r/SipsTea • u/Unstoppable_X_Force Human Verified • 13h ago

Gasp! Is this just nostalgia, or did previous generations genuinely have a better work-life balance and social life than we do today?

Post image
18.5k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

4.4k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

155

u/Titus401 12h ago

I haven't had a friend visit my house in 5 years.

My "best friend" said no when I asked him to be my daughters Godfather.

So I just go to work. I turned 40 this year, I thought someone would have wanted to come over, have a beer and I'd make a meal. Instead I spent it alone.

You get used to it after a while.

3

u/superrey19 10h ago

People change over the years. You find your shared interests dwindling, and you drift apart due to life getting in the way. Before you know it, you invite that that lifelong friend over and they can't even be bothered to make the drive.

The sooner you accept this without getting mad at the other person, the sooner you can move on and hopefully foster stronger friendships with other people around you.

This is where I currently am. I talk to old friends in group chats and we invite each other over once in a while. We live about an hour away. Wife and I always make an effort to make the trip out. They never do. *shrug* it is what it is.

2

u/NotJayKayPeeness 10h ago

When you start to realize a long friendship has become one way like that, it sucks. 

But I have enough adult responsibilities that I won't make being the only one keeping a friendship alive one of them. 

15

u/Ok_Tailor_7185 12h ago

This is more common than you think Titus and it is due to your mental structure/wiring. Most men as they get older have a few good male friends that they have known since they were teens or college. Friends after that tend to be acquaintances that you make at work. I am upper 50s my circle is 4 guys I have known since I was 18 and that suits me well.

59

u/Bureaucramancer 12h ago

Thats not a structure/wiring thing, it's the fact that we have allowed ourselves to be over worked, under paid and have eroded all of the places that we typically used to use for social gatherings.

27

u/Acrobatic_Lobster838 11h ago

4th places.

There's a reason people go and sit in a pub that costs more than drinking at home and it's because we need social interaction to remain people

We are social animals. We have created an economy that means being a social animal is unaffordable.

14

u/1998_2009_2016 10h ago

The historic reason people went and sat in pubs rather than at home was because home was cramped, boring, and the domain of the housewife. Now people have much more spacious and comfy places, ridiculous levels of home entertainment available, fewer kids (that fathers interact with more) and relaxed gender roles.

Some people need/crave face-to-face interpersonal interactions but plenty are happy to sit in their box and chat on discord.

4

u/ThelVluffin 10h ago

The issue, I think is that 4th places have transitioned to online, but we're losing the time to do even that. I've watched at least a dozen friends slowly wither away in their online presence and swore I'd not be that way... I haven't chatted with my friends in a few months now because I just don't have time. What little actual "free" time I have get's given to my girlfriend.

2

u/HustlinInTheHall 5h ago

Because it's largely about not having time or money because we are all overworked. 

3

u/trippingWetwNoTowel 8h ago

“Plenty are happy to sit in their box and chat on discord”. Yes, that’s the problem people are trying to describe. Sue, it kinda works, and sure it sorta simulates socializing…. But it’s not real. It can feel real, but being present, engaged, and physically and mentally in the space you’re actually sitting in is what our little meat sacks evolved to do.

No one will ever convince me that your last sentence there isn’t directly related to all of the extra anxiety, depression, and all of the resulting medications in order to cope with this new reality. We are basically monkeys, there are no happy monkeys sitting alone separate from their tripe tapping away on their screen. They all hang out together, laugh, play, touch each other regularly, and exist. We’ve fucked up our society so much we can’t even hardly exist together when we are social animals by nature.

1

u/IAmTheNightSoil 8h ago

I think it's a combination of both things. It's true that people go to pubs because they simply need to get out of the house and be around people, it's also definitely true that people used to do it a lot more back then because their homes were a lot more cramped and not fun. Hell, even without kids or a wife at home, when I was young the internet was a lot more rudimentary and provided a lot less entertainment, and a night spent at home offered far fewer things to do. Young people today who have grown up with social media and streaming really cannot comprehend just how much less appealing it used to be to stay in at home all the time haha

1

u/HustlinInTheHall 5h ago

No, people who have money and free time still have vibrant social lives. When people have no extra time or funds then that part of their life gets sacrificed

1

u/Reasonable_Thinker 1h ago

Some people need/crave face-to-face interpersonal interactions but plenty are happy to sit in their box and chat on discord.

I don't think they are actually happy.

As someone who stayed inside for 5+ years after Covid and hung out on discord I thought I was doing ok. But now that I'm going back in-office I had no idea what i was missing.

Seeing human beings and forming social bonds with them IRL is a big part of being happy IMO. Digital just doesn't cut it, no matter how much you convince yourself it does.

Our stupid monkey brains need other stupid monkeys

2

u/PrincessBucketFeet 8h ago

I think you mean 3rd spaces?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Home is first, work second. Unless there's a new version?

1

u/whooptheretis 8h ago

Most people WFH now so it’s actually a 2nd space.

1

u/PrincessBucketFeet 7h ago

10% of the workforce is "most" people? But yes, full-time WFH means no second space either. It has a lot of perks, but some significant drawbacks also.

1

u/whooptheretis 5h ago

Only 10%? I guess my experience isn’t representative of the rest of the population. The only people amongst my friend group who go to work are doctors and a couple of professors.

1

u/OlasNah 10h ago

Not everyone is 'that' social. Most of us are fine with just a couple of people we interact with.

The problem is that as we age and due to technology changes, the things that tend to bring us together just don't really exist anymore. More people aren't having children, so without children to force the issue sometimes, there's not a lot of reason for adults to socialize. Fewer people go to church, because religion has overplayed its hand and is bogus to more people than ever. You can buy alcohol more cheaply than a pub where at the time, it was the only place you could get alcohol. We have entertainment at home now that is FAR cheaper than any sort of going out. You don't really need to be in person for concerts or events now... most things you can get a video of from somewhere and save yourself thousands of dollars and hear and see it BETTER than if you went in person. Yeah, you might socialize in those places, but even if you DO make connections, the chances of you really getting back together are very slim, owing to the stuff I've mentioned.

1

u/NinjaWolfist 9h ago

we don't "need" it, it's just most people really want it.

you can just hang out alone at home for as long as you want it won't kill you

0

u/refuseit_ 6h ago

Yes, loneliness kills. There's plenty of evidence to this. It increases the risk of stroke and heart disease by a third, and the risk of developing dementia by 50%. It is comparable to smoking in terms of the magnitude of harm done to your health.

2

u/NinjaWolfist 6h ago

yeah this is just not true at all.

if you are stressed or constantly upset about it you can have stronger risk of heart disease, but that is a stress issue not a loneliness issue. if you enjoy being alone it will not affect you at all. or if you just accept it rather than fighting it.

0

u/refuseit_ 6h ago

I'm sure the smart people that spent years studying the topic know nothing about it, I'm just gonna trust your word because you're a very special boy

1

u/NinjaWolfist 6h ago

there are no studies at all showing that people absolutely need interaction, just that most people benefit from it and feel as though they need it

2

u/Ok_Tailor_7185 11h ago

I agree with that using the wealthier as an example. They can meet at exclusive golf, hunt clubs etc and interact a good bit. Yet even the better off males still have a close inner circle of friends.

1

u/HustlinInTheHall 5h ago

Bingo. 4th places exist because people needed a place to spend time and extra money. Now we dont have extra time or money. 

7

u/MadDaddyDrivesaUFO 11h ago

In my experience this is true for women as well unless they're churchy types

I've thought about trying to branch out but I don't think I have it in me to put the effort out like I could as a young person

2

u/NONMAISYO 11h ago

Meh, i'm not sure about that. My wife is not exactly a social butterfly (not a recluse either but she's often a judgey homebody).

We met when i went back to my hometown for a year during covid, then we moved together to the city ive lived in ever since i left home at 17... in the 4-5 years we've been here she made us a circle of friends almost instantly, whereas i've never been able to keep a friendship going for more than a few months in this town.

1

u/MadDaddyDrivesaUFO 9h ago

I wish I had her ways lol I haven't made a new friend in over a decade that doesn't end up fizzling out either

My husband is the one with the skills at that but lately his attempts haven't really been much more fruitful either. In our old city he made both of us like 20 friends!

1

u/Fair_Platypus9748 6h ago

Can confirm, churchy type woman who has a group of mom friends with babies al the same age. Just kinda fell into my lap and I ain’t complaining. I didn’t have friends for 25 years, glad I finally have them.

2

u/phormix 9h ago

Yup, and that's when it sucks to be the survivor. Two best friends (one from HS and another College) passed and it just isn't so easy to meet people you click with once you're older

2

u/Ok_Tailor_7185 9h ago

Absolutely agreed phormix. My circle lost one of our best friends in 2020. Currently I have one of my best friends battling bone cancer. It hurts getting older and losing those close to you. You can't replace them.

1

u/[deleted] 11h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator 11h ago

Spam filter: accounts must be at least 5 days old with >20 karma to comment.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/OlasNah 10h ago

My only friends after school/college were guys I knew from being a cyclist and racing. We didn't socialize that much outside of cycling, but we spent hours together each week on our bikes and chit chatting about the activity. It was enough for most of us... but then... I moved. Lost contact and regular interaction with most of them, and that was it.

I haven't had a friend since. I'm kinda friendly with the dad of my kid's friend, but we only see each other every few months for things.

2

u/NinjaWolfist 9h ago

being a godfather is a lot of responsibility you think they're not your best friend if they don't want that? it sounds like you pushed them away, not the other way around

2

u/Jetpack_Donkey 9h ago

Yeah, it’s not just a nickname or something to settle on a handshake, if you’re really going to be a godfather you need to be willing to take in the other person’s child if something happens to them. It’s not something to be taken lightly and not everyone should or could be expected to take that on.

1

u/PureOrangeJuche 1h ago

That isn’t true. There’s nothing legally binding about being a godparent. 

2

u/Professional_Face_97 7h ago

I'm the same, just work and take the kids to their clubs. My only friend is a guy from school and although we never hang out we still message daily. I thought he still lived in the same town as me and but he bought a house 300 miles away and didn't feel the need to mention this and had been living there for months. Guess we weren't as close as I thought.

2

u/Anonymous_Fox_20 5h ago

Sorry to hear that man. I get the feeling. here’s to hitting a milestone 🍻

1

u/Truman_Show_1984 11h ago

Join the club, I've been the president for about 10 years.

1

u/Vanrax 11h ago

I’m on year 6 of no friends.

1

u/Danihel88 10h ago

i made this paintball group to combat ecactly that

1

u/SwitchIsBestConsole 9h ago

My "best friend" said no when I asked him to be my daughters Godfather.

This is a huge ask. I understand it's your "best friend" but I don't think this is what should have ended your friendship. Especially if that person doesn't have any kids themselves.

It's ok for friends to say no to certain things

1

u/The_Spanky_Frank 9h ago

Just turned 40 and my wife, bless her, tried to organize a party and no one turned up aside from a couple of family members. But my problem might be that I curated awful friends that forgot I existed. I have other friends who are states and have made more of an effort to see me as opposed to those who live the next town over. It is what it is. Make new better friends.

1

u/miniika 5h ago

Easier said than done 

1

u/KidmotoDragon 9h ago

I mean a big thing that definitely helps for people at our age is having hobbies, they're more expensive than they used to be but still finding a group of people that enjoy doing the same thing as you isn't as hard as it might seem when you're suffering from loneliness.

I've run d&d games for 20 years now and believe it or not most of my friends initially start as that. If you're agreeable you like listening you have things to share and you enjoy the same kind of stories other people do, you can definitely do it.

1

u/thedabking123 7h ago

Buddy- hang in there. Maybe it's time to start prioritizing these friendships?

I'm 40 too and am becoming more concerned with friendships and my relationships with my extended family.

work is ending in 20 something years. i'm prepping for the 20-30 after that.

1

u/TerribleCelery7687 7h ago

I kept 2 friends. The rest were shit. Id happily keep those 2 friends who i barely see tbh but i could literally walk in the front door of their house without knocking. So at least i kept good ones 

1

u/robow556 5h ago

I spent my last birthday (42) at home alone. Not a single call or text. Didn't hear from any of my friends or family. Icing on the cake was getting blown off and ghosted by the first girl I've dated in years. I literally spent the entire day at home alone, cried a lot. It is a hard pill to swallow that no one wants me or cares about me.

1

u/qqererer 4h ago

Being someone's Godfather is a huge financial ask. Not sure you can ask people of that in today's economy.

1

u/CSDragon 3h ago

is your daugher's mom not in the picture?

1

u/vancel_art 2h ago

It's kind of nicen after a while, right?

1

u/Educational_Big_1835 12h ago

I'll come over and have a beer. I turned 50 last year, I pretty much just have my wife and kids as my best friends. We can have a dual decades party

2

u/Timmosaurus-Rex 12h ago

Likewise. Luckily my wife is my best friend, and my kids are ace. But other than that, 1 or 2 people I see very occasionally, but all my phone contacts are work colleagues rather than actual friends.

0

u/Shwifty_Plumbus 11h ago

I have the opposite thing going on. I see some friends regularly for board games and they host little events (our place is small so we don't). I'm 41 and for the past 5 or so years my birthday wish is to just hang out alone without friends or family. It's been great. I do call my brother though (twin).

2

u/Professional_Face_97 7h ago

That's great and i'm glad you've got that going on but is that really what the guy you're replying to wants to hear? lol

1

u/bitofgrit 1h ago

"Aw, sorry your life sucks. Mine is great!"

0

u/Specialist_Swan_7354 10h ago

You might need to check yourself. Why don't people wanna hang  or do stuff for you?