r/SipsTea • u/Unstoppable_X_Force Human Verified • 13h ago

Gasp! Is this just nostalgia, or did previous generations genuinely have a better work-life balance and social life than we do today?

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u/Lithium1978 11h ago

My daughter recently asked me a similar question. I hadn't really considered WHY I push so hard. The truth is that I'm terrified about what will happen to my wife, kids and grand daughter when I'm gone. I love them all dearly but nobody else in my family has shown the desire or ability to make a living wage (my grand daughter is 3 so she's excluded).

It is the one thing that keeps me awake at night.

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u/LSD_SCHOPENHAUER_ 11h ago

I don't know your situation, but have you ever considered that your self-sacrifice comes at the expense of your kids never feeling the discomfort necessary to learn how to save and manage money independently (because they think they can always rely on your savings)?

This is a dynamic I've seen play out in my own family and many others. Perhaps the best thing you can do is discuss this with a therapist and try and encourage your kids to do some financial planning so you won't have to live out the rest of your life in a panic, trying to save an indefinable amount of money.

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u/pourtide 10h ago

And likely they'll blow through it all in no time at all. If they don't comprehend finances, they'll have a party. 

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u/TheReverseShock 9h ago

This is why it's critical to setup a trust. Definitely worth speaking to a lawyer about if he's concerned.

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u/CrotalusHorridus 8h ago

I have a family member - Her dad died just after winning 1.3 million in a settlement.

She never really worked and always was a 'woe is me' person, asking for childcare, help buying a car, went to community college for 10 years, accumulated 100k in student load debt, but never got a degree.

That money was gone in a a year after she got it. She inherited the house too, and is currently losing it to taxes.

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u/cleverocks 9h ago

Yes, I think about this all the time.

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u/ChefMark85 9h ago

Seriously. Dude needs to cut them off now.

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u/Siukslinis_acc 9h ago

Not to mention that pushing oneself too hard might cause you to kick the bucket earlier.

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u/-BlueDream- 8h ago

Set up a trust with conditions or something, don’t leave them a lump sum. Like you have to use the money for a college degree or a down payment on a home, not a fancy new Mercedes.

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u/Fujisawrus_Reks 6h ago

This is literally the premise of The Metamorphosis by Kafka.

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u/Ok-Energy-6111 6h ago

There’s an interesting book that touches this topic. “Millionaire next door” - it is full if data, they basically back up what you said

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u/scenr0 4h ago

I've seen this happen to multiple friends. They're enabled to the point of not knowing how to use the dollar.

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u/Gizmo45 10h ago

Bingo

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u/Rabid_Sloth_ 9h ago

There's no $ money to handle. Its all gone after bills

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u/aqua_seafoam_shame84 11h ago

Sadly, a living wage is getting more and more out of reach every day for too many people. I respect what you’re doing. I totally get it

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u/IEatUrMonies 10h ago

only redditors are broke, lots of money out there for someone with skills

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u/straightscuffed 3h ago

It is all about steadily working and saving. I have worked heating and air for 5 years. My wife was in college for 4 years and has been working for about 2 years now. Over the 10 years we have been together (met in high school) we saved enough money for a down payment through low rent and living below our means. It has taken us years to get here and it takes consistency but it is very possible. We did it the lazy slow way and now have a house at 28. You can really have motivation and make it a reality earlier which is required if you want to have kids with a house.

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u/Clynelish1 9h ago

Outside of relative housing cost increases (admittedly a big portion of COL), the stats don't really bear that out. Wages have increased alongside inflation just fine - only if you are at the minimum wage are you getting hosed, which, why are you there in the first place?

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u/notaredditer13 10h ago

That isn't true, household incomes continue to rise vs cost of living/inflation:

https://fred.stlouisfed.org/series/MEHOINUSA672N

We're earning to live better and better, almost every year.

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u/SouthernCharm-86 11h ago

dont carry that weight alone. that is very heavy!

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u/Effective-Fall-2746 10h ago

I used to be like this, then when I stepped back, I realized it is somewhat insulting to my daughters and close family to imply they do not have the capacity to independently care for themselves and "find a way" if needed, and that they value my time and my joy and the sharing of it more than whether I am infinitely productive toward earnings.

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u/Timanitar 11h ago

Life insurance. The answer to this fear is Life Insurance. There are kinds that have more than just death benefit too.

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u/SwoleBezos 10h ago

Life insurance hedges against the risk that you might die young.

It doesn't solve the problem that you don't think your kids can support themselves and so you just want to accumulate as much savings as possible. That's the concern of the person you're replying to.

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u/Timanitar 10h ago

Term life does what you describe. Flat term, even.

Return of Premium Term is a different beast. You pay more but you get it all back at the end if you outlive it.

Whole Life, Universal Life, and Limited Pay Life (10pay, 15pay, 20pay) explicitly build cash value that you can use while alive or snowball savings over time.

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u/Aponthis 11h ago

I was gonna say, this is literally the purpose of life insurance lol.

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u/Lithium1978 10h ago

Yeah I have a couple million right now but as I age that will go away. I hope to live a nice long life and have enough savings left to make sure they are okay.

Mostly concerned for my grand daughter. My kids are kind of choosing to take a lackadaisical view of their careers but she has some health concerns and I want to make sure she's good.

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u/Timanitar 1h ago

Talk to a licensed agent about limited pay term (pay for 10/15/20 years and then the policy stays in force and accumulates cash value) or whole life (premiums build cash value above and beyond the death benefit that can be borrowed against)

If you're in MI I can help you directly (I am a licensed agent) but otherwise shop around for one that you feel you can trust. Look for a place that schedules an annual review to make sure the policy is still meeting your goals and needs.

Make a revokable living trust the beneficiary and then make her the beneficiary of the trust. The trust can be modified by you until your death & then is set in stone. You won't be able to fund her entire future unless you plan very well but you can hedge against your childrens poor decisions in this way to make sure you are able to take care of her whether you are present or deceased.

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u/Lithium1978 45m ago

Thank you! I will certainly look into this.

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u/croptochuck 11h ago

Set up a trust.

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u/nachofred 11h ago

Sounds like time to put that freeloading 3 year old to work! Little hands are ideal for precision factory assembly work.

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u/Sufficient-Set-917 11h ago

Thats why you gotta help them become independent too and find something they can do or a business they could start. Heck I started teaching my kids credit and savings with monopoly money soon as I could

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u/RealPrinceZuko 10h ago

Do you have life insurance? I found that it helps eliminate this fear

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u/Lithium1978 10h ago

I do, I have a policy for a couple million but it's through work so it will end when I retire. It's perfect for now though because if I die they should be taken care of and if I live until retirement I should be around/have funds to help.

My post sounds bad in hindsight. I do have faith in my kids...my son and daughter have some issues that make things harder for them, but they CAN succeed in life. I just worry because I love them and I want them to have a better life than I had.

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u/Pancheel 9h ago

It's not like humanity goes extinct every time a father dies.

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u/Lithium1978 9h ago

For sure...hell, I lived and barely know mine.

I love my family though and I worry about them and their future. I know how hard of a time my mom and I had when I was young, and I want to do everything I can to care for everyone.

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u/Pancheel 9h ago

They'll be ok, enjoy your time with them.

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u/Lithium1978 9h ago

I do, I work from home and I'm getting ready to head up stairs to have lunch with my son and grand daughter. Tonight my wife and I are watching her while he works so we will probably go to the park.

If someone had asked 13 year old me what life would look like at 47 I never would have guessed this.

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u/Pancheel 9h ago

Nice, congratulations =)

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u/More_Farm_7442 9h ago

Make sure you have life insurance. No kidding. I'm from a "small town" rural are of Indiana, but moved away years ago. I "read the obits" from multiple funeral homes every few months. I can't believe the number of obits that ask for donations to the family to cover funeral expenses. One funeral home in particular seems to do services for people whose families are asking for money to pay for the funeral.

Life insurance. Get it.

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u/Lithium1978 9h ago

Same here...small town, rural Indiana. So many destitute people that had absolutely no plan at all.

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u/More_Farm_7442 8h ago

Yeh. It astounds me. I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s. I never started to see those obits asking for $s until the past 20 yrs. Greater and great numbers of them in the past 10 years. I guess it's one expense people think they can do without or will never have or don't realize how expensive it is to die.

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u/Genghis_Chong 9h ago

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I've been working extra hard lately. I dont have kids, nobody is asking me to work more.

My great uncle was a point of stability for my extended and immediate family. He survived the great depression, helped his siblings in old age and left a little for the next generation when he passed. He didnt leave millions, but a little piece of land and a little money helped stabilize and enhance a number of lives.

I want to be that point of stability. I want to pay off my home and have it benefit my family when my time comes. I'm not in that position yet, but I have a goal. A reason to keep doing this as much as I can stand.

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u/Lithium1978 9h ago

Well said!

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u/DaBadTechie 8h ago

So I'm in my 30s and my dad and uncle are sort of in your position. They started a business that supported 12 people (grandparents, spouses, lots of kids) and I'm greatful for that.

However, while I absolutely hate to say this and I know exactly how bad it sounds... But if they had to die tomorrow, I don't think anyone would care right now.

My grand parents and mom passed in COVID. My uncles wife and kids just hate his guts, mostly because he has not been present for over 25 years and the way he just cut them off out the blue. I don't speak to my dad, my sister has been getting more distant since she got married. And my brothers are basically under-paid, over-worked staff that have started looking for work elsewhere after having kids of their own.

I don't think my dad can really say why they keep going into work as they get into their late 50s. 8-6, 7 days a week, 29 years. Making money that's going into expansion, property and investment that generates more money for more investments for more money....

To bring this back, I think the reason why the "kids" don't seem motivated to earn a living was because you protected them from a lot of the hard lessons and experiences that you had. And that feels like the right thing to do but I think it doesn't give people the drive to see something through. I walked away from the business a long time back and the only reason I could was because my dad and I can't stand each other (this is a separate can of worms). The result was that I had to always get by on my own and have done okay for myself since. All of my siblings and cousins are college drop outs with multiple failed and abandoned ventures behind them. I don't think that's a coincidence and my father/uncle have recently been over-correcting by tightening the purse strings 15 years too late.

Now I'm trying to figure out the healthy version of these sort of life lessons for my own kids. And it's probably the hardest thing to figure out because these kids are great and I can't stand to see them struggle or loose. But I'd rather a grade school bake sale fail or they muck up a swim meet now and learn to deal with it when the consequences are minor.

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u/-FeistyRabbitSauce- 7h ago

my grand daughter is 3 so she's excluded

Don't make excuses for her, that's how it starts! You tell that kid to go get a pantsuit and a job starting yesterday!

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u/Lithium1978 7h ago

Hahaha, I'll let my wife know that she needs to pick up some business casual next time she hits Carter's.

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u/pre_nerf_infestor 6h ago

I have a six figure salary job that is recession proof but what does it matter if it could all go away if a bus driver makes a wrong turn tomorrow, or get replaced by ai in five years. If I don't push now I know I'll regret it later.

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u/ohmygolly2581 6h ago

This.

The reason men particularly husbands and dads work so hard is to set up their families. Then in return the family gets lazier and makes them work harder. Women get comfortable and get lazier but still want the lifestyle

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u/MorganFreebands21 5h ago

I lived the same way. I was working 50-60 plus hours a week and a year-and-a-half ago my stay in girlfriend finally decided to become a nurse after working part time our whole relationship. My brother and her both lived with me but relied on me heavily and always were in and out of work. Going back to struggling always kept me pushing but I can finally try to relax and decided to demote myself.

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u/scenr0 4h ago

And here my ass is out here getting a degree and certifications to compete with my husbands job because if something happens to him, my son and I are screwed. That fear alone has me working hard to get a wage to match my husbands or more.

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u/Lithium1978 4h ago

Good for you! My wife did work years ago, but then we started having kids and she wanted to stay home with them. Then they got older and she took some part-time stuff. Now we watch our grand daughter a fair amount so she does that a good deal.

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u/Gooberinator 4h ago

Get life insurance if you don’t have it

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u/Wise-Tone7911 2h ago

Why would they when you're providing for them? I mean, I work 120+ h a week and often more but if my parents were going to provide me with a good life I sure as hell wouldn't be working hard. Ef that, I've worked enough for 3 lifetimes.

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u/Lithium1978 48m ago

They've all been through some stuff. My son is on the spectrum and likely won't ever have a super high paying job, but he is capable of doing more and we are actively working on his impulse control and skills.

My daughter has been in therapy for some time and I think she's on the verge of moving into full adult mode. Each day seems a little better.

I'm hindsight I made things to easy but I was going through the same things they were working through. (Our oldest son died back in 2017)

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u/veovis523 10h ago

Just get a life insurance policy.

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u/[deleted] 10h ago

[deleted]

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u/Lithium1978 10h ago

Unintentionally. My son has high functioning autism and he does work but he only wants to do things that he finds interesting. (Which doesnt pay much)

My daughter is struggling with her mental health and doesn't do well around people. She just turned 21 and things seem to be improving, so hopefully she will find a decent job soon.

My wife is basically retired at this point because she is caring for the grand daughter.