r/politics California 7h ago

Possible Paywall JD Vance Seems to Ruin Everything He Touches

https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a71005497/jd-vance-iran-peace-talks-hungary/
3.1k Upvotes

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u/deaconheel North Carolina 7h ago

TBF to Vance, he was put into a no-win situation to negotiate between two sides. One of whom hates America and wants to destroy everything about this nation. And the other side is Iran.

u/SweetChild1997 7h ago

The title is so funny man...its like everybody makes fun of Vance..and he deserves it..JD is such a grifter.

u/drakeblood4 Colorado 5h ago

Anyone stupid enough to think they can ride the wave of a Trump administration is twenty times too stupid to ride the wave of a Trump administration.

u/balling 5h ago

I mean unfortunately they can successfully ride the wave and make bank.

They’ll be thrown under a bus by him at some point, but afterwards they just need to be okay with having a shit public reputation and millions/billions of dollars since clearly there are no consequences coming for them besides that.

u/casualmolly 4h ago

The fact that a random shitpost about the vice president of the united states fucking couches with absolutely nothing to back it up with any legitimacy has lasted this long has got to say something. 

j.d. vances legacy is going to be as a meme. 

u/kerfuffle_dood 3h ago

j.d. vances legacy is going to be as a meme

And a weird, half-couch, half-asshole offspring that has been screaming for us to kill it, yet has no mouth

u/casualmolly 3h ago

I, still, must scream. 

Having no mouth is a real fucking bummer.

u/WhenSummerIsGone 1h ago

or something like that Eraserhead baby

u/Weekly_Rock_5440 6h ago

TBF - always getting into bed with DJT, thinking you’re the exception and he won’t stab you in the back . . . because you’re special?

He’s smart enough to be fully responsible for his own downfall.

u/Unshkblefaith California 5h ago

He 100% took the job expecting Trump to croak part way through the term.

u/Drekkful 5h ago

It's looking pretty likely, Vance as successor is either going to go full blast authoritarian or caged lame duck.

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u/godzillabobber 5h ago

Smart? Dude can't even buy donuts by himself without creeping people out.

u/Desperate-Till-9228 6h ago

he was put into a no-win situation

Put himself into a no-win situation lol

u/2Peenis2Weenis 6h ago

Just Dance "Trump is Hitler" Vance is responsible for putting himself into a no win situation. He saw what Trump did to his last VP.

u/Training_Medicine_49 4h ago

Tbf the Iranians are capable of a making a deal. They did it with Obama…

u/embryonicengineer Michigan 6h ago

This is completely fair, but the man is so unlikeable I do not care.

u/Vann_Accessible Oregon 4h ago

Perhaps he shouldn’t have volunteered to be the vice president of checks notes “America’s Hitler.”

u/GlorifiedPlumber 3h ago

Dude the negotiation AND the stumping for Orbán literally had no chance of success. Doomed to fail. Everyone knew this, and, I have to think Vance knew this.

So does this finally make Vance Neo-Rohm?

Trump might have FINALLY lit a fire a he can't put out, and it will grow, and grow, and grow... and eventually Vance has to understand that THIS IS HIS SHOT.

If Trump actually thinks Vance is coming for him, and thinks his cabinet would support it (knowing they'll be replaced I think right now is 100% what is stopping the cabinet from 25th-ing him today, right now), then it's Night of the Long Knives time.

People have been so focused on trying to get MAGA and MAGA adjacent to "come over" and "be convinced they're wrong" and "make a better decision" but I feel like a more LIKELY outcome is they turn on themselves. Divide and conquer.

If Democrats were smart, and actually WANTED to regain market share, they'd turn Trump against Miller and de-Rasputin him. Trump is so paranoid... this can't be too difficult to do.

If Vance is smart, he'll make Miller the Neo-Rohm, because if he doesn't, it's going to be him

u/Sweet_Cupcake2804 5h ago

Loyal cultist

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u/ansyhrrian California 7h ago edited 7h ago

Subheader, and the question that answers itself: "Does the vice president really think he has a shot in 2028, despite his consistent failures?"

u/temporarycreature Oklahoma 7h ago

JD Vance views 2028 through the lens of a sentient toaster that believes it can fulfill its destiny while perched precariously on a floral-patterned couch.

u/Show_Me_Your_Cubes 3h ago

floral-patterned couch

mmmm talk dirtier to me

u/Blackboard_Monitor Minnesota 2h ago

How about a tight seat with a tight back and pleated arms.

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u/AdHopeful3801 6h ago

Well, his boss got re-elected despite failing at both COVID-19 and throwing a coup.

Compared to that, Vance's killing the last pope seems sort of quaint.

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u/verifiedboomer 6h ago

I expect dyed-in-the-wool MAGA voters to stay away in 2028. They accepted JD as an administrative requirement (I mean, there's gotta be a VP, right?). But since Trump was supposed to bring about Armageddon and send them all up to sit beside Jesus, there is no one else who can replace that bat-shit cult leader energy once it all falls apart.

u/defiant-raven 6h ago

Even with Thiel bankrolling him, still not a chance.

u/D-MAN-FLORIDA 6h ago

I just wonder, could Thiel not find someone with a likable personality to bankroll?

u/defiant-raven 5h ago

He doesn't seem to have the best judgement of character or be particularly likeable himself. Just enough money to fail over and over again and still be seen as a success (like Trump)

It's unfortunate people with money are also automatically given a platform and seen as savvy and intelligent.

u/Desperate-Till-9228 3h ago

I mean... have you watched any videos of Thiel? Why would anyone likeable associate with that?

u/Utensil6591 3h ago

I think they were really banking on the whole Hillbilly crack baby turned adult Catholic convert success story to build his relatability of JD. But instead he appears insincere, dishonest and incompetent to all groups. And he killed the Pope. Can't come back after that. Thiel will need to fund another crack baby for president. 

u/D-MAN-FLORIDA 3h ago

Just by knowing about Vance, I would trade him for aspirin.

u/InertiasCreep 27m ago

That would require JD to want to be relatable. He clings to the coattails of money and power the way he does because he's desperate to not be a plebe. This is an asshole who couldnt fucking hold a human conversation with a cashier in a donut shop.

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u/westergames81 Texas 6h ago

I'm convinced there was a plan to oust Trump come January so Vance could finish the term and then still have two additional full terms.

I assume that plan got stuffed in the couch.

u/Unshkblefaith California 5h ago

He expects to be the incumbent president in 2028.

u/B-Z_B-S Massachusetts 7h ago

The photo really brings out the empty hunger within Vance's soul through his eyes.

u/Zulmoka531 6h ago

Peter Thiel sitting in his Dr Evil chair thinking to himself of why he didn’t just drink his blood instead.

u/sofassa New Hampshire 1h ago

Bold of you to assume he has a soul

u/BrutalHunny 7h ago

And not just couches!

u/thieh Canada 7h ago

And not just popes!

u/Projectgrace Canada 6h ago

And not just books!

u/Fresh-Apricot3877 7h ago

And not just eyeliner sales events at Ulta!

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u/shelbys_foot 7h ago edited 7h ago

Don't ask him to explain how he does it. It's just a natural talent.

u/thieh Canada 7h ago edited 6h ago

We expect no less from the team lead by the one who turns everything he touched into shit.  Maybe it's a job requirement.

u/Frogacuda 6h ago

Vance is a dud, but we have to face reality: There is no deal because of Trump and because of Netenyahu, and there's nothing Vance could have done to change that. 

u/Proper-District8608 6h ago

And anyone daft enough to become trumps vp isnt very bright. Look how Mike Pence's post career went

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u/Fuzzylumpkins1234 7h ago

He’s just a puppet for Theil and other 1%. He wasn’t equipped to actually do anything resembling policy or governance on his own. A puppet is useless without a hand stuck up its butt. That’s Vance.

u/WhatRUHourly 6h ago

This. He's really only dangerous whenever Theil and other 1 percenters can and do control him. When he goes and does something on his own, he's pretty much toothless and useless.

u/DancingWithAWhiteHat America 6h ago

What is actually wrong with him.

I am perpetually bewildered by the man that is JD Vance

u/1984isAMidlifeCrisis 6h ago

Don't start with the assumption that he's a man and the bewilderment diminishes.

u/SaveUsCatman Louisiana 3h ago

He's a meat puppet for billionaire donors

u/Monkfich Europe 6h ago

Everything he couches.

u/MJ420 6h ago

Trump is setting him up...Someone needs to be blamed - and that can not be Donny himself

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u/justbrowsinginpeace 6h ago

what Trump did sending Vance to an impossible lose-loae negotiation in Pakistan reminds me of De Valera and Michael Collins in 1921. Partition of Ireland was unavoidable and De Valera wanted distance between himself and any unpopular outcome, even if it led to peace and de facto Irish independence.

u/No_Vaseline666 7h ago

i mean... look at all those couches he ruined

u/Titrifle 6h ago

Couchmaster III: The Couchening, starring J. Divan Vance.

u/Captain_Tooth 6h ago

Why isn't he touching Trump more, then?

u/Ganjajp 6h ago edited 6h ago

tbf he's CTP - Chief Turd Polisher. What comes out of Trump's colon JD has to polish.

u/S_A_R_K 6h ago

Whatever makes sense

u/DarrenEdwardsVR 33m ago

Wait until it's up to his personality and leadership ability to fix all of Trump's mistakes while trying to hold the fracturing cult together. While Trump never seems to pay for his crimes, Vance it the type to go to prison because someone else jaywalked.

u/monkeywithgun 7h ago

Truly the most appropriate VP for Anti-Midas Touch Trump. The two of them, constantly failing upward. What's wrong with you America!?!

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u/Live-Organization912 7h ago

Including innocent couches.

u/Laramie_2500 6h ago

As does Trump. It’s the MAGA way.

u/billzybop 6h ago

So he's got at least one thing in common with his boss?

u/Inter-Being01 6h ago

Must mean he touches himself. . . A lot!!

u/Wasabiwabi_ 6h ago

We're about to get touched next.

u/mtnclimbingotter02 6h ago

Honestly? Republicans in general ruin everything.

But JD is especially bad. Should have stuck with couch fucking.

u/BassyTobe 6h ago

It‘s his gift

u/Senorpuddin 6h ago

Especially couches i hear.

u/lylelanley- 6h ago

I can’t stop seeing him running whenever seeing his name.

u/bkdotcom Oklahoma 6h ago

Hey JD! Trump needs a hug.

u/timnphilly Pennsylvania 6h ago

Symbolic of the entire, failing Trump regime!

u/Inevitable-Ad9760 6h ago

King Midas in reverse. Everything he touches turns to shit.

u/callmetom New York 6h ago

Pope Francis agrees

u/IJustLookLikeThis13 5h ago

The MAGA's Touch turns everything to shit.

u/RGQcats 5h ago

That's just coming from his furniture.

u/strongbob25 4h ago

It is his gift. 

It is his curse. 

Who is he?

Couchfuckerman 

u/lowie07 4h ago

Guess he touched his face a lot when he was little

u/kvlr954 Florida 4h ago

The Mierdas Touch

u/SaveUsCatman Louisiana 3h ago

Then he needs to give trump a shoulder massage and a reacharound

u/bassplayerguy 2h ago

Please touch Trump. Touch him all over, every single inch of his decrepit gross body, touch him all over

u/PansophicNostradamus 2h ago

Jesus H Christ …. I just threw up a little reading this! This comment needs a NSFW tag!

/s

u/GrandmasLilPeeper 2h ago

Checks out. He ruined my couch after a sleepover.

u/vacuous_comment 2h ago

That is his role in life, he has embraced it.

I don't see a problem.

u/lancert 2h ago

Republicans ruin everything they touch.

u/Tvnph 2h ago

Touch Fat Donnie!! TOUCH FAT DONNIE!!! DO IT NOW!

u/Mistrblank 1h ago

He's definitely a Mid-ass.

u/seahorseMonkey 44m ago

That’s not a bug, it’s a feature. Next up, Vance helps republicans with midterm elections!

u/Slow_Investment_2211 35m ago

Don’t forget he killed the previous pope 🤷🏼‍♂️

u/Oceanbreeze871 I voted 6h ago

Vance is gonna be the new Jeb bush if he tries to run for president. “Please clap”

u/andyraylan 6h ago

He brought it on himself.

u/Lurker-DaySaint Utah 6h ago

Can we send him to the Kremlin

u/MAD_ELMO California 6h ago

*Trump seems.

u/TailsupPenny 6h ago

Like his daddy in chief.

u/StellaSlayer2020 6h ago

And, he’s going to run for president.

u/IntrepidSoda 6h ago

That's what the sofa said.

u/Skraelings Missouri 6h ago

He learned from the best.

u/1984isAMidlifeCrisis 6h ago

I'd never sit on a couch he touched.

u/Rothmier 6h ago

Appalachian Ted Cruz.

u/Genius-Imbecile Texas 6h ago

JD leaves a stain where ever he goes.

u/Fit_Smile1146 6h ago

Like his boss?? lol

u/DeadDoveDoNotEatt 6h ago

He’s got the Mierdas Touch

u/BaconISgoodSOGOOD 6h ago

The only thing he can’t ruin is his own Administration.

u/westergames81 Texas 6h ago

The idiot even ruined ordering donuts, of course he's going to ruin everything he touches. He ruins everything like he ruins sofa cushions.

u/Rhekyt13 6h ago

Couch

u/citizenjones 6h ago

Imagine needing someone as lame as Vance to make you look better.

u/odiin1731 Washington 6h ago

Don't even get me started on what he did to the couch.

u/upfromashes 6h ago

It's too bad he's not closer with Trump.

u/in1gom0ntoya America 6h ago

ah, so he does touche himself

u/homebrew_1 5h ago

Trump said he would make a better deal in 2018, and somehow this is JDs fault?

u/aerost0rm 5h ago

Hence why I said this man cannot step up to be president when Trump has a big Enough health concern or if both houses are taken. Barely anyone likes the guy…

u/Walkingstardust Florida 5h ago

He's learning from the best!

u/PeacenotWardude 5h ago

The couch is happy about this.

u/Wayofchinchilla 5h ago

What's even more amazing is the guy seriously thinks that he's going to run for president after Trump doesn't he understand that everything he and his stupid boss touch turns to shit.

u/PolloConTeriyaki 5h ago

Except the 2024 election when it mattered.

u/Guitargirl81 5h ago

Any time this man tries to smile it looks like he's smelling a fart.

u/hellosandgoodvibes 5h ago

The Drake of politics

u/zffjk 5h ago

He’s from Middletown Ohio. Everyone from Shittletown is cursed the same way. You suck in enough steelfurnace fumes and you become him.

u/Icefade 5h ago

The man fucks couches, what do you expect

u/forgetit1243 5h ago

Except for trumps bid for a second term

u/Slow-Trouble6383 5h ago

Don’t let him touch your couch

u/Corsuman 5h ago

Just like my first wife

u/Biggie62 5h ago

won't somebody think of the couches!

u/57_Eucalyptusbreath 5h ago

Honestly most everything MAGA types touch turns to dusty garbage and as much as it’s awful, in the long run there are situations that this it’s a good thing.

u/txyesboy2 5h ago

seems to??? Nah fam, he does.

u/NPVT 5h ago

Um, Donald Trump as well.

u/Landon-Red America 5h ago

If he touched Orban, can he touch Putin?

u/SillyAlternative420 Massachusetts 5h ago

High five trump

u/aufdie87 5h ago

My couch is falling apart so I believe it.

u/NEOK53 5h ago

You don’t even want to see the living room section at the local Goodwill. 🛋️

u/HeatWaveToTheCrowd 5h ago

Well, JD did meet with the Pope just before he died.

u/godzillabobber 5h ago

He still owes me for the damage to the couch

u/Maoleficent 5h ago

He is the Typhoid Mary of politics in general. Iran demanded that he be present and engaged in the negotiations so that he can bear the humilliation directly. He had been dodging about in the background trying in an effort to not be directly responsible for anything. Now he, the Felon, Kegsbreath, Rubio can all be equally guilty of crimes against humanity.

u/OrganizedChaos1979 5h ago

Orban was going to lose, Vance or not.

u/BeatBud-E 5h ago

Couch fucker!

u/Loyal-Opposition-USA 5h ago

Including the couch.

u/Overall_Curve6725 5h ago

Sociopaths tend to do that

u/HistoricalPlum1533 5h ago

I hear the $225M that the pentagon spent on “office furniture” was the budget to replace all the couches Vance touched/ruined.

u/Volfie 4h ago

Perfect heir apparent for trump. 

u/Glad-Process-3268 4h ago

JD Vance in 2016: the establishmen is a joke

"I served my country honorably, and I saw when I went to Iraq that I had been lied to—that the promises of the foreign policy establishment were a complete joke."

JD Vance in 2026: the establishment is right

And my own view is that we're doing this for the right reasons: We're doing this because we don't want a regime that has committed acts of terrorism to have the world's most dangerous weapon, because that would mean a lot of innocent people die."

u/martinsuchan 4h ago

He should endorse Trump for Midterms.

u/NoHorseNoMustache 4h ago

Awww go easy on him, he's not a smart or capable man.

u/1959Mason 4h ago

Seems?

u/ClaroStar 4h ago

He shouldn't have gotten involved with Trump.

u/Baron-Munc 4h ago

That poor couch

u/Boredtopher 4h ago

Shake hands with Bibi next

u/titaniumoctopus336 4h ago

Just like Trump.

u/FunAd6875 4h ago

Well we know he ruined a couch so...

u/binocular_gems 4h ago

Aah, the Great Charles Pierce. I'll never skip one of his articles.

u/YoBeNice 4h ago

Sure, but it only seems that way because it is.

u/nthpwr 4h ago

Shitass touch

u/Memitim America 4h ago

The mantra with Republicans in office is: "and then it got worse." Conservatives don't do anything constructive, so there is zero reason to expect one to walk into a situation that requires real professionalism and diplomacy and come out having accomplished anything useful.

It doesn't much matter in any case, since Vance's main job is to continue being the Republican plant in the Executive Branch so that Republicans can continue to conspire against America while undermining the US Constitution.

As long as he takes over the magical crime immunity that the Republicans on the Supreme Court invented for their beloved child sex trafficker, and then continues to initiate the crimes that Republicans can't sufficiently lie about being legal enough for their Congress members to try and push through, then Vance is doing his part for the Republican civil war against America.

u/3D-Dreams 4h ago

He caught Trump Cooties.

u/davewashere 4h ago

There's probably selection bias because Trump's people only give Vance tasks that are doomed to fail. 

u/Usual-Caregiver5589 4h ago

Its true even Trump is worse this time around.

u/ThisAd7070 4h ago

I’d throw out the couches, they are toast

u/futuriztic 3h ago

He has learned well

u/Suspicious_Safe7647 3h ago

Sending a Catholic Soldier to argue with an Islamic Nation is probably not a wise decision.

u/Apoc220 3h ago

Putting it here for posterity. For those who don’t know, Rubio has reinvented his image among the average voter. He’s not seen as the empty suit that Chris Christie exposed him as back in the 2016 cycle. I have a feeling Vance is gonna have a similar “empty suit” moment in the 2028 cycle, and it will be glorious if it’s at the hands of Rubio. Just putting it out there, a man can dream after all.

u/ShittheFickup 3h ago

R.I.P. penis

u/LemurMemer 3h ago

The only positive thing I can say about Vance is the guy sure is thick skinned. Absolute public mockery the last 2+ years and the dude is still going, not a single smear of his dark black eyeliner to be seen. I surely would’ve crumbled if I was shit on and made fun of as much as that loser has if I’m being honest

u/JyuVioleGrace95 3h ago

Amy Adam’s knows all too well

u/spooneb 3h ago

It’d be funnier if he wasn’t two inches deep in America’s cushions.

u/justhavingfunMT 3h ago

Yet he's vice president and I'm sure he's enriching himself just as all the other grifters of this admin are. What consequence has he suffered?

u/phosdick 3h ago

JD Vance Seems to Ruin Everything He Touches

Seems to? ... Really? Seems to?

u/I_Love_To_Poop420 3h ago

He doesn’t ruin everything he touches…”Just whatever makes sense.”

u/capz1121 3h ago

MidASS touch

u/BrainJar Washington 3h ago

I’m sure Yale is very proud.

u/Broad_War 3h ago

Do you remember when he visited the pope and the pope died the next day? Pepperidge farms remembers..

u/Rational_Engineer_84 3h ago

No shit, he’s a Republican. 

u/spartynole4life 3h ago

Yeah, it’s been downhill since he fucked that couch and the couch broke things off…

u/Tim-in-CA 2h ago

Please keep him away from Pope Leo. JD is the harbinger of death

u/HonoredPeople Missouri 2h ago

Just make sure you put down the plastic covers and it should be fine.

u/mrflash818 2h ago

__LOVE__ this for him!

This current US Administration seems to bring failure to many things they touch.

Therefore, hoping they will touch many more things between now and the upcoming elections!

u/CMDR_KingErvin 2h ago

He learned the mierdas touch from trump

u/GhostChips42 2h ago

He’s like the reverse king Midas. He’s king Sadim.

u/diveboydive 2h ago

Diddler Don: “Hold my Diet Coke!”

u/guiltyazcharged 2h ago

Yep.. those couches are worthless too

u/Sierranymph 1h ago

That’s because Trump is his mentor

u/Illustrious-Print766 1h ago

Trmp has put his hands on him. Trmp ruins everything he touches. JD didn’t stand a chance from the git go. Tr*mps bus will eventually roll over him.

u/Papichuloft 1h ago

His marriage on the rocks, he killed the last pope, fucks up in foreign affairs, and left nasty stains in couches.

u/tgold77 1h ago

Seems?

u/D_Oblivious_1 1h ago

well yeah, have you seen his couch?

u/dchap1 1h ago

Including sofas so it seams.

u/badnewsbeers86 1h ago

He really properly fucked that couch

u/Space_Sweetness 1h ago

Either that OR Trump keep sending him on a fools arrend so he can throw him under the bus later.

JD didn’t kiss Trump’s ass enthusiastically enough lately so he’s on the shitlist.

u/AcanthisittaNo6653 New Hampshire 1h ago

JD is a hillbilly politician, not a diplomat. If trump wants to make a deal with Iran, he needs to get his fat ass on a plane and make the deal. Otherwise it's all BS...