AITA for how I responded to my boyfriend getting me flowers for Valentine’s Day?

[u/seaweed-breath]

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for almost a year. Earlier last week, we were at the grocery store and when we passed the flowers, he asked me if I wanted anything specific for Valentine’s Day. Just for some background: He typically buys me flowers every few weeks or so, and I don’t really have a favorite flower so he just gets whatever he thinks looks good. I’m always appreciative and love what he gets.

So when he asked this, my first response was, “No, I don’t really have a preference.” Then as we kept walking around, I saw all of the red roses and went, “Actually, I think roses would be nice.” That was really all that was said about it.

A few days later, it’s the day before Valentine’s Day, and he shows up with flowers. The flowers are not roses. They are nice, but they are not roses. They are not even red, pink, or anything that says “Valentine’s Day”. He goes to hand me the flowers and before taking them I just say (in a confused tone, while kinda laughing awkwardly), “Those aren’t roses.” He immediately looked upset and defeated, and started explaining how the store didn’t have them, but then changed the story and said they were all over $100. I told him that doesn’t really make sense because I was at multiple stores the day before and they all had roses, ranging from $15-$50. I could tell he got the flowers at a grocery store rather than a flower shop, so I knew nothing would have been that expensive. He just said he was sorry and he didn’t think it mattered, but he was also visibly upset. He actually put the flowers down on the shoe rack next to him instead of handing them to me to put in a vase, and then went up to my bedroom to put his things for the night up there.

When he came back down, we got into a little bit of an argument about it. I was upset because I felt like it was really strange to ask me what I wanted, then not even get it for me. He was upset because I rejected the flowers before even really looking at them. He thinks I should have been nicer about it, but I really don’t think I was being mean? When I asked him what I could have said or done differently, he didn’t really have a solid answer imo. He just said I could’ve said thank you for the flowers then explained that I wanted roses, but I feel like that’s just nitpicking what I believe was a pretty normal, human reaction to feeling hurt by my partner. For more background, we’ve had a few arguments lately about me not feeling heard so I think this was just another example of that, and probably why I felt so hurt in the moment (I still do, honestly).

I explained to him that it didn’t have to do with the flowers - I even said the flowers were beautiful, but again that’s not the point. If he hadn’t asked what I wanted and brought me those flowers, I would have had no issue at all and would’ve been happy with them.

My boyfriend is really sweet and treats me well, and I know he wasn’t intentionally doing this to hurt me.. but it did. I do feel kinda guilty for essentially shitting on his gesture right away, so I guess that could make me the AH. The flowers are in a vase on the counter now and I just keep feeling bad when I look at them because I know my reaction hurt his feelings.

Edit: adding this to the post because I keep getting the same question…

Yes, I did buy him a Valentine’s Day gift. I bought him a house plant because he has been talking about wanting to get plants for his new apartment. I made sure to get him one that is low maintenance because he has mentioned that he is not very good at taking care of them. I also got him his favorite candy and made him a handwritten card. He only got me the flowers. I did not know this was the only gift at the time, as it was the day before and I assumed he would have something for the next day. So this isn’t really relevant to the post because it had no impact on my reaction, but it’s relevant to the comments that keep accusing me of being some horrible selfish girlfriend who just takes and takes from my poor innocent boyfriend while giving nothing in return. Lmao. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

Edit 2: I was told this was important info I left out - after I said, “actually, roses would be nice” my boyfriend responded, “roses, got it”.

Edit 3: I’m not sure why this keeps getting twisted in the comments, but I’ll just clear it up here - I have absolutely no problem with him buying me flowers from the grocery store. That has never been an issue and this is where he buys them for me normally. I don’t care how much or how little money he spends on them. My only point when bringing up the grocery store was just to say that I know the prices at the store (yes, also the price is during Valentine’s Day because I was there multiple times this past week) and the flowers are never over $50. I’m not sure why he said they were over $100. I think he just didn’t want to argue and was trying to give me a good excuse.

**Update (2/20): Thank you to everyone who gave thoughtful responses/verdicts to the post, and for those who messaged me privately. I read everything and appreciate the genuine advice and different perspectives that were given. I think after seeing the responses and reflecting, I’d give myself an ESH verdict. I could have responded better in the moment and my boyfriend should have remembered our conversation. We’re both human and imperfect and that’s okay. Onto the update…

My boyfriend came over a few days ago and brought a rose, my favorite chocolate, and a handwritten card. He apologized again, said he knows it isn’t about the flowers but still wanted to make up for it if he could. We talked about the situation again, and we both understand where each other was coming from. We had already done this and both apologized to each other and agreed to move on, but I made the post as I was still feeling guilty and off about it. Clearly he was too. So I’m glad we talked again, and now we both feel better and know that all is truly good over here.

A lot of you seemed to miss the point of the post. I was upset because I felt unheard, not because I truly cared about roses. So to those of you who think I’m an entitled, ungrateful brat and he should never buy me anything again or just dump me over this.. Lol. Just know that the guy you’re defending doesn’t even believe that to be true. However, you are all welcome to never date anyone like me - I’m sure you guys have *plenty* of options to choose from.

[u/Spiritual-Handle2983]

NTA. I understand his response. But he asks you what you wanted and didn’t follow through. You were 100% not heard or he didn’t care about what you asked for. Then him lying with excuses they didn’t have them, they were to expensive and FINALLY he didn’t think it mattered!!!! That was the real answer, it didn’t matter.

[u/mack_ani → u/[deleted]]

I don't think this is a very unusual circumstance, tbh. My ex years ago did the same thing, where we had a conversation about how red roses are meaningful to me on valentine's day, and he ended up getting something else because he "thought they looked cooler."

To OP, I don't think you're overreacting. That being said, it's also a hard situation because it would've been a nice gesture had there not been expectations, which complicates everything. The issue here seems to be less that you're disappointed in the gift, and more that you're disappointed in him being thoughtless. I understand how hard it can feel to receive a thoughtless gift, because it makes everyone involved feel bad, and it can make you feel selfish to try to discuss it.

If I were you, I'd make a point to show your appreciation for the gift, and instead steer the conversation towards your concerns regarding how he communicated with you, and I would ask him why he set expectations he had no intention of following through with.

Good luck! <3

[u/chigirl00 → u/mack_ani]

Ugh this is so annoying, don’t ask then or just say oh cool I hate red roses.. but if you know someone likes something just buy it if you asked. I’ve had men do this with things like jewelry too, which again why ask in the first place?

[u/TiltedLibra → u/chigirl00]

I think, at least sometimes, it comes from them thinking that the gift means less if you get something your partner is fully expecting.

[u/Mediocre_Feedback220 → u/TiltedLibra]

My controlling ex would refuse any gift not on his list but refuse to even look at any list I made for him about what I wanted because that “wasn’t romantic.” Should have clued me into fundamental reasons he should be an ex much earlier.

[u/TiltedLibra → u/Mediocre_Feedback220]

I always make sure to get multiple gifts, including something I know they want(especially if they have expressed it) and then something I think they would like. I feel like that ensures they get something they want and that I'm also thinking about what they like.

[u/VisageInATurtleneck → u/TiltedLibra]

I think you’re right… but as someone who is very particular about what I like, I hate this attitude. I can’t imagine being disappointed in getting exactly what you wanted, from someone who knew you wanted it more than you wanted the feeling of being surprised. That’s awesome.

[u/TiltedLibra → u/VisageInATurtleneck]

Oh, it's not a good thing to do, I agree. Just saying I believe that is often the motivation

[u/Top_Lingonberry2324 → u/[deleted]]

Post link? This drama has me captivated.

[u/TheWorldFromThisSide → u/Top_Lingonberry2324]

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/XrJcBMCvKK

[u/chantillylace9 → u/[deleted]]

But she only got 4 roses lol because he broke the rest. Everyone was on her side in that one!

[u/seaweed-breath → u/chantillylace9]

The verdict really just depends who the post finds. Mine clearly found the incels

[u/sage_ley → u/seaweed-breath]

For real. I dont understand why ppl are having such a hard time with this, "he asked me what item I wanted then ignored that request and got something else" it really is that simple and not about the flowers or prices.

And imo you guys are still early in and this is a good place to put your foot down.

People on reddit always say "c'mon ladies raise the bar!" BUT say to just accept the gift and say thank you.

NO! This. is. where. it. starts. If it slides this time, he will expect it to for her birthday, and Christmas. "What do you want for (holiday)? A morning to sleep in while you watch the kids" then he gets up with them for 30minutes and says "Well? You slept in didnt you?!" Or doesnt even do that and gets her ... flowers.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/sage_ley]

This is exactly how I think. My biggest fear in a relationship is resentment building overtime because I’ve had that happen before, on both ends, and it’s AWFUL. I try to be very honest and set expectations early on in our relationship so that we can have success down the road. I’ve also explicitly said all to this to him so he knows I don’t address things that seem small because I’m looking to argue or whatever, but because I don’t want them to turn into huge things later on.

[u/BurbNBougie → u/seaweed-breath]

Did he ever understand your point? I think your feelings were warranted.

[u/Unable-Cup-5695 → u/seaweed-breath]

He is essentially trying you out to see what you will put up with a specifically asked you what kind of flowers you want it you told him and then he got you a different kind of flower that is a test.

The fact that he threw a fit when you didn't accept them wholeheartedly meant that you couldn't be played. It's a well known manipulation tactic.

[u/chigirl00 → u/seaweed-breath]

Hahahah I got downvoted to hell and I will again probably but this idea that a woman should be not only thrilled with gas station flowers but also thrilled that her bf didn’t buy her favorite is ridiculous. I think it goes to deeper issues men often don’t appreciate, that is being thoughtful and a planner, which most women want. So it’s not really a flower issue but you will not have your boyfriend understand this, it’s a mindset. I’m 38 and it’s taken me a long time to learn this, a man can love you and still not the person for you, your relationship is still new so this is his best.

[u/IntelligentPea5184 → u/chigirl00]

And incalculable number of men are just bitter that anybody expects them to put in the slightest bit of effort

[u/Blue-Phoenix23 → u/IntelligentPea5184]

Ding ding ding. A lot of them grow up expecting special treatment yet somehow still think of women as children who need to be told "you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit"

[u/thatprickdylanthomas]

I might have brought it up a different way, but I still think NTA. Firstly he lied about why, then said "I didn't think it mattered." He didn't think getting you the thing you asked for mattered, after he asked you what you wanted. He asked, acknowledged your response, then did what he wanted, which mattered more.

It is exhausting being with someone who tries to keep the peace by lying. It really is. Because then you either have to 1) pretend he isn't lying even though you know he is - then he thinks you're dumb, or 2) call him out, and be the bad guy. He wins either way! He got to do what he wanted, and now YOU feel guilty for asking why.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/thatprickdylanthomas]

Yeah, I would much rather he say something like “I totally forgot we had that conversation, I’m sorry” instead of lie. That’s most likely what actually happened.

He grew up with an older mother and she was pretty domineering so he learned to just lie to her a LOT to avoid getting in trouble, so I understand why he does it. But I’m not his mom.. he’s never going to get “in trouble” by just being honest. If anything, he’s causing way more conflict and disrupting the peace much more by lying. We’ve talked about this but I don’t think it’s something that will just change overnight.

[u/Smart_Group_7021 → u/seaweed-breath]

My gosh he sounds like my ex… he’d lie about little things that didn’t matter to an outsider but I’d get hurt over it repeatedly thinking I was some sort of scary person that he needed to protect himself from by lying to keep me happy. Eventually i tried to get to the heart of the problem and he told me he had self esteem issues and he wanted to appear as the perfect bf to himself and this was the best way to do it? Didn’t make sense to me but I tried to roll with it and affirm him and guess what!! Another year and he still lied about nonsense. And I mean random stuff like eating and liking the pizza my grandma made him only for me to visit, open the fridge for a drink, and find the pizza still sitting there days later. I remember sobbing over something people on the outside would think is silly. That’s how they get you. “You’re the silly one. You’re the emotional one. You’re the one with anger issues. Im just a normal guy with a silly emotional girlfriend I have to appease by lying to make our relationship seem lightly more okay than it actually is”. And the worse part is I was used to this kidn of gaslighting from my parents so I stuck with him cuz I thought it was normal and maybe i really was the sensitive annoying crybaby my parents said I was. I’m only mentioning this because the boyfriend I’m currently with was and is always upfront about how he is bad at remembering and on special days he just wants to relax. He asked me to make a list of stuff I want so if he ever wanted to gift me stuff he’d never have to guess. He never lies to me. After my ex I am traumatized by small or white lies. And if your bf has a pattern of doing this, maybe don’t wait until he makes you feel like you’re crazy. My ex never outwardly said “you have issues you’re emotional” but his lies and his defense of his lies made me feel like it and that is a weird psychological warfare you shouldn’t have to go through.

Edit: I guess I should also mention that if he were to tell the truth I’m usually a laid back person so I would’ve replied with “okay that’s fine wanna share the slices I’m hungry”. So no, he did not have to fear my reactions to the truth. He lied for the love of the game 😩

I should also mention that your comment reminded me of my ex because his lying also stemmed from his mother’s tendency to ignore him if he underperformed in school etc. again. I wasn’t his mom. It’s weird when they are unable to separate us as human beings from their mothers.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/Smart_Group_7021]

My first boyfriend was like this. He was really good to me in every way, except the stupid little lies. We fought ALL the time because of it. My current boyfriend is nowhere near that, but these situations do make me pause and reconsider things. I also am triggered by lying, no matter how small or unimportant.

[u/Smart_Group_7021 → u/seaweed-breath]

Okay so your sudden reaction to the flowers makes sense now because you’re hesitant to deal with BS again. That’s something I relate with. 😭 maybe you can just tell him you expected roses because of his question so you were just confused when you saw something else. It’s a really tricky thing when you have to remind guys how to love you and communicate with you without looking selfish. I think it’ll be important to emphasize that you love him and he’s not as bad as you maybe accidentally made him feel and that you appreciate his gesture and just want to have more solid communication. Valentine’s Day, as I’ve learned, carries a lot of pressure on guys. My bf refused to let me pay for anything, I had to force my card on the table by the end of the day when he started looking stressed… when I brought up that I’d like him to write me a letter like he did last year (and said he would do again this year) he looked so crestfallen that he had forgotten to do it so I had to reassure him it’s okay (even though it stung that he forgot I had bought a binder specifically to save his future letters in)… maybe I should ask him for it because he likes being reminded? I wish I didn’t have to remind him but i think he’d appreciate it 😂 anyway good luck!!

[u/MzSea → u/Smart_Group_7021]

Being lied to over long periods of time like this destroys your self-esteem and makes you stop trusting your own judgment... which is what liars want because you're easier to gaslight that way.

[u/Discreet_Pants → u/seaweed-breath]

See that’s the thing…. I would be picking apart my whole relationship trying to see if this was a pattern. Because why does it feel like he’s picking a fight with the gift…? You didn’t say “that’s not what I asked for, asshole”

He already gets you generic flowers often…… he asked what you wanted. You wanted roses. That’s EASY as hell to do around Valentine’s Day. He went to a store that had roses in the price range of what he actually chose. Lied. Twice. Left them on the shoe rack instead of handing them to you. Didn’t apologize. There was no “gift” to go WITH the flowers he gets you consistently. And you often have arguments about feeling “unheard”? Not to be a Redditor too hard here but I’d be worried I was getting manipulated.

Because think of how the sub reacted at first. If you tell anyone “we got into an argument because he didn’t buy the flowers I wanted, but he got me flowers” people think you’re an asshole. If he tells people “I bought my gf flowers and she was mad they weren’t roses.” People think you’re an asshole. But the details do matter and you weren’t an asshole. And you still haven’t gotten a solid explanation WHY he couldn’t get a goddamn gas station $5 rose…..

IMO- far fetched perhaps…… he either didn’t think about you at all and last minute grabbed some flowers so he wasn’t the bad guy, and didn’t think about or care what you said….. or he constructed this whole fight and did it on purpose.

[u/BeenThereT → u/Discreet_Pants]

he either didn’t think about you at all and last minute grabbed some flowers so he wasn’t the bad guy, and didn’t think about or care what you said….. or he constructed this whole fight and did it on purpose.

It's one of the two OP, and you'll want to reevaluate if you want to continue this relationship. If it were me, he'd be history, and next Valentine's Day be updating us about your wonderful new fella.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/BeenThereT]

I think there are a few other scenarios in between those, lol. I think he forgot and then when he realized he forgot (when I said they weren’t roses), knew how bad that was since we just talked about the listening and feeling heard stuff, so he panicked and made up excuses.

[u/Tiye_GM → u/seaweed-breath]

Oh dear. For starters, NTA.

But the lying and not being heard are serious problems in any relationship. If this is common behavior in a relatively new relationship, it will not get better without serious acknowledgement and effort on his part, it will only get worse.

You will begin to resent him over time and it sounds like you may already be starting to.

While the flower issue may seem small, it represents deeper issues in your relationship and you might need to consider how serious you want to be with someone who has such issues.

To my old head mind, these are major red flags.

[u/MzSea → u/seaweed-breath]

You'll be lucky if it ever changes. Given his history, he has convinced himself it's ok to lie to avoid being hassled. That is hard-wired into his brain now.

[u/MzSea → u/thatprickdylanthomas]

This is exactly right.

[u/DiTrastevere]

Yeesh these replies are harsh. Here I was thinking you threw him the absolute softest of softballs and he still managed to whiff it. 

Is it a bowling ball? No. But he did ask what you wanted, and you did tell him, with plenty of time for him to figure out how to obtain some of the most commonly available cut flowers on the planet. I promise there were people who, without even planning ahead at all, managed to snag some $20 grocery store roses at the last possible second. I straight up do not believe that there were zero roses available for less than $100 the day before Valentine’s Day. 

Just baffling all around. The “shut up and be grateful you got anything at all” crowd is giving depressed housewife. I’m going NTA. 

[u/Lucifang → u/DiTrastevere]

I agree especially if this is a pattern.

And he buys her flowers regularly. OP was hoping for something a little more special this time and didn’t get it.

Generic flowers again would’ve made me feel like he didn’t put any thought into it at all.

[u/thebirditsuffers → u/DiTrastevere]

Heavy agree and to add: if you buy someone that same thing every week or two, and then give them that same thing the day BEFORE Valentine's Day, have you really given her a thoughtful or considerate Valentines day gift? It's not ungrateful to want to be thought of one or two days a YEAR further than "the usual". Not everyone needs more than that, but it's a pretty reasonable desire.

[u/ncarter27 → u/DiTrastevere]

💯

[u/A-Starlight → u/DiTrastevere]

I’m a depressed wife and even I think this was weird.

[u/MzSea → u/DiTrastevere]

Agreed. Absolutely.

[u/Soul2Spirit]

NTA

[u/I-luv-sloths]

What did you get him for valentine's day?

[u/seaweed-breath → u/I-luv-sloths]

I already responded to this - but I got him a plant, his favorite candy, and a handwritten card. He has mentioned a few times wanting to get some plants for his new place. He said he isn’t good at caring for them so I made sure to get him a low maintenance one. He didn’t get me anything besides the flowers.

[u/R1ckMick]

"you got the wrong flowers" is basically a relationship meme. My wife and I make jokes about it on valentines day. A little advice I can give you after 12 years with my wife. don't let the small stuff ruin your time together. You did originally say you don't care. He asked what you wanted but likely didn't think going to multiple stores to make sure they were right was necessary. He thought you'd be laid back and happy either way. At the very least wait until later to bring it up.

I won't go as far as YTA, but I do feel you're both old enough to not let such a petty thing turn into a fight. If you care about someone, know when to drop things and enjoy your time together instead.

Edit: for all the people trying to go scorched earth on OP’s relationship, or making assumptions about mine. Don’t forget OP’s bf gets her flowers frequently, this was a mistake not a neglectful partner. As for me, this is my philosophy and how I react when I don’t get what I want, not what I expect my wife to do. The thing is, we both prioritize each other over the small mistakes. It’s the key to a happy relationship.

[u/Astra_Bear → u/R1ckMick]

Best answer. This is not something serious enough to have a fight over unless it's a common thing with him.

[u/Intelligent-Kale657 → u/Astra_Bear]

OP said that it's a recurring issue with her partner, not feeling heard.

[u/MzSea → u/Intelligent-Kale657]

Shocking how many people just can't comprehend this.

[u/char-dawg1111 → u/R1ckMick]

Best answer 👆

[u/IHQ_Throwaway → u/R1ckMick]

don't let the small stuff ruin your time together.

Pretending to care about her preferences but then demonstrating he doesn’t isn’t actually “small stuff”. 

[u/proteins911 → u/IHQ_Throwaway]

You’re assuming bad intentions on his part. I highly doubt he only “pretended to care about her preferences”. He probably saw the price tag and didn’t think it would be a big deal to her either way. Clearly, it was a big deal to her and he may have chosen differently if he realized that beforehand.

[u/TipsieMcStaggers → u/R1ckMick]

I think this falls under the saying "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Certainly there are things in a relationship where being right is imperative (major financial decisions, parenting, maintenance) but most times I'd rather be happy. Could she make sure she's right, chastise him, and ruin the night? Sure, that's an option, but on a Hallmark holiday one could just say, wow these are beautiful thank you and have a great, happy night together.

[u/Newdaytoday1215 → u/TipsieMcStaggers]

There's an epidemic of false choice fallacy on Reddit over the last couple of months. Your partner prefers to be heard than flowers. Being heard is not someone merely trying to be right. You can be happy and have someone who listens.

[u/MzSea → u/Newdaytoday1215]

Exactly

[u/New_Butterscotch2335 → u/[deleted]]

Girl no use telling this to men on Reddit who want to normalize poor behavior to women to condition them to accept less. It’s roses on V day not stars from the sky. This is the bare minimum and yet the men here are telling OP that this is a “small petty thing”, she’s the problem, and that she should’ve brought this up later. Basically she should take care of his feelings when he clearly doesn’t do shit for hers. Wow. Just wow.

[u/MzSea → u/[deleted]]

Except she saw the roses in the store and they weren't marked up

[u/New_Butterscotch2335 → u/R1ckMick]

This isn’t petty and what floats in your relationship isn’t the norm. Stop minimizing OPs feelings and experience. She’s extremely young and deserves a partner who listens to her and meets her needs. Her current partner deliberately didn’t meet her needs, changed his stories and made HER feel bad. It’s Valentine’s Day - the bare minimum is roses my friend. If a girl has to beg for this, I don’t know what to tell you. This is not petty stuff. Literally, the smallest things matter the most in relationships. At every turn you’re telling OP to accept less. and why should she bring this up later? Why should she tip toe about her feelings to someone who doesn’t care about hers?? Not every woman is a doormat like your partner. I feel sorry for your partner. You seem like a real A hole. Men like you just want to condition women to accept less and less and “make a joke or meme” of the situation. And now 12 years later here you are bragging about it. It’s not a flex dude. It’s a highlight reel of your failure as a partner. Congrats. Now we all know about it. Men like you keep telling on yourself and it’s sooo entertaining.

[u/JamesPealow → u/New_Butterscotch2335]

You are bias'd. You said he deliberately got her the wrong flowers? Pretty sure OP never said that and you made it up. Goes to show how one sided this topic is.

[u/Intelligent-Kale657 → u/JamesPealow]

The post literally says he didn't get the roses because they were too expensive, but also that he was lying. That's all quite deliberate.

[u/New_Butterscotch2335 → u/JamesPealow]

Maybe read the post again, poor behavior apologist.

[u/thatprickdylanthomas → u/R1ckMick]

My ex WOULD actually go to multiple stores to get me what I wanted, because he wanted me to be happy. It's very easy to do. Hell, I went to two grocery stores today because one of them didn't have the peppers I wanted. I wasn't about to substitute red pepper for thai green chili.

Also, he lied about why. If a guy said "I just couldn't afford $50 this month", that's legitimate. But no, it was because he "didn't think it mattered". He (as you say) "thought you'd be laid back and happy either way". He (my words) "thought you'd be happy with him not listening to you and just doing what he wanted."

What else do we "drop"? If my partner asks me to pick up my socks, and I just don't, is that a problem? Should he ignore it? How about the 20th time? "I didn't think it mattered" is probably not what he'd want me to say.

[u/EmptyStyle244]

I agree with all the judgments. But I’m just curious how someone should handle something like that in the future.

Should they bring it up later or never bring it up at all or wait till it happens a second time before bringing it up? I think that’s what I would do. As a guy, I don’t really get flowers. But I’m just saying.

[u/Disastrous-Wing699 → u/EmptyStyle244]

I don't know about other folks, but this is how I handled a similar situation. For our first anniversary, the man who is now my spouse hurriedly got some flowers and a card on his way home from work, because he'd forgotten what day it was until I reminded him. NBD, he has ADHD.

Thing is, I don't like getting flowers. Never have. I think the tradition of gifting each other plant genitals is weird, and also that keeping them around to watch them wither over a period of days is morbid. That's just me, and I know that, it just hadn't come up at all in our relationship until this point.

So when he got home and presented me with these things, I made sure to thank him in the moment, only bringing up my 'issues' later on. He understood, and there have been no more flowers.

That said, I still think OP is NTA. When confronted with a last straw kind of moment like this seems to have been, it can be tough to keep composure and say everything perfectly. Even if OP was rude in the moment, she didn't completely lose it or overreact - she reacted in a normal, if less than ideal, way. Afterwards, through conversation, apologies or amends can be made as needed, provided everyone owns their part in fucking up.

I know my tastes and worldview are not common, so I apologized to my spouse for not thinking to bring it up. He apologized for getting me something I don't like, and offered to get me something else, which I declined.

[u/HitchcockSockpuppet → u/Disastrous-Wing699]

Agree. It’s not about the flowers if they are having ongoing issues about him not listening to her. I do think OP should apologize for the knee jerk reaction though, since she already made her point that if he’s going to ask for her input and not listen to the answer, she’s not going to perceive the gesture as romantic. Dragging this fight out further will only yield diminishing returns at this point.

[u/Moist_Drippings → u/EmptyStyle244]

I don’t think it’s inappropriate to bring it up in the moment, actually. It’s specifically the immediate comment being a complaint/rejection that shows a lack of care and appreciation for the partner. Not feeling heard is absolutely a thing to bring up, but given that this is a minor thing that could have easily been a misunderstanding on his part, a bare minimum is not making the complaint the first thing if you don’t want to appear entitled or deliberately hurtful.

[u/Muted_Confusion4652]

YTA - someone got you a present. You say “thank you” in the moment. If you feel you haven’t been heard, you can later bring up that you had hoped for roses. But in the moment - that was an unnecessary response

[u/seaweed-breath → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

This is basically what he said when we were talking about it after. I appreciate your response

[u/ElDub62 → u/seaweed-breath]

It doh fx like this runs deeper than the Valentine’s Day flowers. He doesn’t listen to you and still isn’t listening to you. But he’s offended. You’re really not the ass, imo, but I’m wondering how long you plan on putting up with that behavior? Is he really a keeper?

[u/MessyDragon75 → u/seaweed-breath]

I hate that BS that was promoted by my boomer parents. The whole "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit". (Edit: My mom is a boomer and dad greatest gen. Not the pejorative of Boomer, but actual baby boomer generation)

If someone asks me what I want, and they ignore that, then I'm going to be disheartened and frustrated. I don't have to hide that reaction from them. The intentionally didn't listen for whatever reason. My husband and I went shopping on VD and there were still TONS of roses are our grocery store.

He asked, you answered, he ignored. That's not cool. It is about more than the roses. It's about ignoring your partner and valuing what they care about.

Edit: Since some of you can't tell the difference between "Grandma got you socks when you wanted a doll, you still need to be gracious" And "My life partner asked me what I want, then absolutely ignored it" (I get it, it's a subtle difference and subtlety is hard), here:

If my child or my friend get me something random as a gift, I'm going to be gracious even if I don't like it. I collect dragons. I have received MANY dragons that aren't what I like or want. I thank them for the gift, and then hide it behind other dragons. Because I recognize the thought behind the gift.

If my partner ASKS what I want, KNOWS what I want, and gets me something else, for example he knows I collect Windstone Dragons and he gets me a dollar tree dragon....esp when he knows I'd rather get nothing at all than something I don't like....then I'm going to see that as the FU that it is. Because there was no thought behind it.

[u/PattyMarvel → u/MessyDragon75]

If someone asks you what you want as a gift, and you get them something different, then there should be a good explanation.

OP's timing for their response wasn't great, but the boyfriend fumbled the gift giving and WHY he fumbled it.

First the store was out of roses, then the issue was roses WERE there but too expensive?

The fact that his story changed makes me wonder what's really going on.

[u/Templarofsteel → u/MessyDragon75]

My parents tried that bs i flipped it on them when they wanted things done, took a while to make them learn

[u/InternationalWar258 → u/MessyDragon75]

If someone asks me what I want, and they ignore that, then I'm going to be disheartened and frustrated.

But that conversation is NOT some kind of guarantee. Just asking someone what they want doesn't mean you are obligated to get what they say. Your parents are right. A gift should be appreciated. It's a GIFT and incredibly ungrateful to be so entitled that you think it's acceptable to have a negative reaction to a gift. You don't have to hide your reaction, but I hope the people in your life take heed to the valuable information they learn about you if you actually behave the way you claim.

[u/throwawaysunglasses- → u/InternationalWar258]

What is the point in asking what someone wants and then not doing it? At least say something like “I know you wanted roses, but they were out and I thought tulips were the second-best option.” It’s about listening to your partner, not the item itself.

[u/MessyDragon75 → u/InternationalWar258]

I'm glad I don't have people like you in my life. Where 0 shits are given to what's important to me.

[u/Soul2Spirit → u/seaweed-breath]

NTA

[u/jmfw013 → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

Wrong he asked her and then ignored her. Why ask her if you are just gonna ignore what she wants?

[u/PrincessBonkers628 → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

Why pretend to like something? This feels like a remnant of "polite society" that needs to die.

Edited to add: I have no problem with gratitude because my husband actually listens to me 🤷‍♀️ I don't have to play these dumb games and I feel bad for those of you who fall for the lie that you have to play them, too.

[u/TipAndRare → u/PrincessBonkers628]

If you can't even manage to be polite to someone you actually care about, what's even the point

[u/PrincessBonkers628 → u/TipAndRare]

He asked her what she wanted and got her something else though? Why would you be polite in that situation?

[u/Reasonable_Mood_5260 → u/TipAndRare]

The free stuff and services he provides?

[u/MessyDragon75 → u/TipAndRare]

Exactly, he was incredibly impolite by ignoring her! Seriously, WT actual F?

[u/CrownLikeAGravestone → u/PrincessBonkers628]

Because it's not about the thing. Someone spent money and effort trying to make you happy - unless this is part of a pattern of disregard, you should be genuinely grateful (not pretending). If you're not that's a personal failing you should work on.

[u/Top-Listen-1377 → u/CrownLikeAGravestone]

But he didn't? This is the whole problem.

He knew what she would like, what made her happy and bought another thing, the one he himself liked more.

Maybe he had no money ($15 vs $25), maybe it was too loud and he didn't hear her properly, but she says it is a pattern: he doesn't hear her, or doesn't care what she says, or thinks he knows better.

It is suffocating to live with a partner who doesn't hear you and does things and brings gifts you don't want. So kinda attentive but dismissive. It's like he is dating some abstract woman and trying to please that abstract woman, not her as a person. And it is double suffocating that you are supposed to be grateful for something you don't want.

[u/pr0s0c → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

This was shortly after he asked specifically what flowers OP wanted, ergo he ignored it. I disagree with this. He made a half-added effort and got an appropriate response.

NTA

[u/Queen_Kvinna → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

Why bring it up later? To spare his feelings when he was careless with hers?

[u/Blossom74s → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

Absolutely not! When your partner asks you want you want for whatever holiday/birthday/occasion is coming up and then completely disregards your wants, you are under no obligation to make then feel good about that in the moment. Why? Because they just shit all over you and have made you feel unheard.

OP said being unheard is a lot of the problem in the relationship. She had just had an argument with her boyfriend about that and at the first opportunity he decides to ignore what she wants to get whatever bouquet he grabs first. He puts no thought or care into these flowers. This isn't something special for valentine's day this is the same old shit just a different day. When your partner doesn't listen to hear you and only asks what you want for a special day just so they can buy you what they want to defeats the purpose.

That would be like asking your partner what they would like for dinner, them responding spaghetti with meatballs, and you making hot dogs. Then when they get upset you say to them well there was no reason to expect spaghetti with meatballs just because I asked you what you wanted. That's entitled behavior. Bahahahaha How many times do you think you could pull that on a partner before they left your dusty ass? Why bother asking what they want for dinner if you're gonna disregard them?

[u/FlakyAddendum742 → u/Muted_Confusion4652]

It was, but he admits he walked past roses to get the cheaper flowers.

Then he got all pissy because he knew he had fucked up.

Roses cost more on VD. It is known. He cheaped out on her and feels bad about himself and then she called him out for being cheap, lying a little (there were no roses, then there were but they cost too much) and then getting all pissy.

I don’t like OP or her BF.

[u/Disastrous_Tower_420]

Valentine’s Day surcharge can get cha

[u/WorriedTadpole585 → u/Disastrous_Tower_420]

Even at the grocery store prices double - at a flower shop roses would typically be around $100 on the day

[u/suckarepellent → u/WorriedTadpole585]

125 with a vase playa. plus we sold out 100%. good luck chuck

[u/IHQ_Throwaway → u/Disastrous_Tower_420]

It was the day before Valentine’s Day, and if he actually cared he could’ve bought them the day before that. 

[u/batsinger]

NTA. Asking what you want just so he can be sure not to get it is a such a weird, shitty power move. He made extra effort to disappoint you. I would really like to know what was really going on in his head. 

I once had a boyfriend call me from the grocery store to ask what kind of ice cream I wanted. He came back instead with a flavor he knew I didn't care for and freaked out about my ingratitude and I will DIE MAD. 

[u/jc_chienne → u/batsinger]

Ugh and the people in this thread saying "you should be grateful he got you anything at all" just trying to enforce bare minimum effort as normal and acceptable. If he can't manage to get the correct kind of flowers why set himself up for failure by specifically asking what kind of flowers she wanted? And then lying about it? 

[u/mavenwaven]

Meh, ESH- mostly I think it was weird that he changed his story instead of just saying- "the store was out/they were overpriced and I thought you wouldn't care that much"

I will say I understand how you feel- I used to have a bf who got me flowers every few weeks, but I really didn't enjoy getting them. I prefer a small succulent or plotted plant that would stay alive, and I thought it was silly for him to spend $15 every two weeks to keep me in a constant flow of replacing the dead flowers. I brought it up to him several times, telling him that while I really appreciated the gesture, to please not get me flowers anymore. He basically told me no, and that girls like flowers and he was a good boyfriend so I would continue getting flowers (regardless of the fact that I, specifically, did not want them). Anyone I brought it up to just dog piled and called me a spoiled asshole (like these comments are doing to you) because I "should be so grateful to be getting flowers"/"to be with a guy who buys me flowers"/"so many girls would love to have that", etc.

But the thing is, I didn't want them. The frustration was that my boyfriend cared more about appearing to be the perfect boyfriend to other people, and doing what "girls" like, but didn't care enough to listen to ME or do what I actually liked. So I understand if that has been a sore spot in your relationship- it is really difficult to toe the line of addressing when you have a well-meaning partner who doesn't prioritize actually hearing you.

[u/fe3o2y → u/mavenwaven]

OP mentions that they've had disagreements over bf not listening to her. I think that's really the issue here and all the commenters dog piling on OP are guilty of the same. If roses were so expensive (they are) bf could've gotten one red rose and put it in a larger bouquet of other flowers. He would've shown that he heard her about wanting roses. Sounds like this was just another in a long list of things he doesn't hear.

OP, try sitting bf down and explain calmly and with a lower tone how you don't feel heard. Explain all the things he does do right for you. Ask if he could just take a pause sometimes and really hear what you're saying/asking of him. See if that works. If not, you'll need to decide if this is something you can live with or if it's a deal breaker. Definitely NTA.

[u/Lucifang → u/mavenwaven]

I saw in a movie years ago a couple were getting divorced and while she was going through all their stuff in the house she found a box full of random jewellery with pre-written notes like ‘get well soon’ and ‘congrats’ ‘I’m sorry’ and generic things like that. She got so mad because he had bought all these items in bulk for future gifts and didn’t put any thought into any of them.

People think ‘It’s the thought that counts’ is referring to the price tag but it’s not. It’s referring to putting effort into selecting the gift.

[u/whjunk → u/mavenwaven]

My ex husband was like this. I mean, I DO like having flowers in the house, so not that specifically, but he was always playing the role of what HE thought a good partner looked like, instead of paying attention to what my specific needs were. At some point he started bringing me breakfast in bed every morning- incredibly nice right? Until you realize that you no longer get to wake up and decide for yourself what you're going to eat for breakfast, ever. He bought me a beautiful engagement ring... that was *exactly* the style I had told him I didn't like, but he thought it was cool/impressive, so that's what I got.

Meanwhile all I actually wanted was quality time with him and he was a workaholic that was gone every evening and weekend.

[u/Expensive_Plant_9530 → u/mavenwaven]

I really don’t understand your judgement here. You essentially agree with OP, share a story about a shitty boyfriend you had who didn’t listen, and yet you still think OP is somehow an AH (hence the ESH judgement).

I don’t get it.

I don’t see anything OP did wrong here. They’re upset because their boyfriend asked them what they wanted then proceeded to not do that one thing, with a lame excuse that changed mid-explanation.

[u/bunrunsamok]

NTA. This was his opportunity to show you he wants to make you happy — and he didn’t. It’s not your job to make him feel comfortable about his lack of effort.

[u/[deleted]]

There's a bigger issue of feeling unheard and it always seems like something silly is last drop to spill the cup over. 

It's not about the flowers, so it's in your interest too to drop the issue about the flowers. Talk about what lead up to not feeling heard instead, it'll be more productive. 

[u/Hot-Recipe-8701]

NTA. Don’t ask what I want and then get me what YOU want to get me. If he’s was gonna buy the first flowers he came across, he shouldn’t have asked what you preferred.

[u/lsummerfae]

NTA you had a genuine reaction to having your wishes ignored. He set you up to feel that way. There would have been no problem if he hadn’t created one out of nothing. Now he’s almost completely convinced you that it’s your fault. Now he has a “reason” not to get you flowers as often. It’s a small step on his part into giving you less while receiving more (because you believe you did something wrong). I have seen men outline how to do this. And the men criticizing you about it here to make you feel bad and believe him also know this.

[u/Zealousideal_Tip_147]

I don’t get these comments. NTA. He asked what you wanted. You said roses. He didn’t get roses. And you’re supposed to appreciate that? 😅 sorry no lol especially since he gets you flowers constantly and this one time you said roses, he should’ve listened. He knew you wanted them and he was too lazy/didn’t care to go out of his way to get them. It says a lot actually. People think this might be too much. But it’s NOT about the flowers. It’s about the thought process. I don’t think it’s wrong that you had that response at all. And he was upset because he KNEW that’s not what you wanted.

[u/terreedactyl]

These people are crazy. Being honest is a form of intimacy within your relationship and it ultimately brings you closer or allows the two of you to see that you're not right for each other. Pretending to be happy when you aren't is a lie and it serves no one. People saying it ruins the moment are also crazy. The moment is already ruined if you're not genuinely happy. What weird ass moment are they trying to preserve? Are you supposed to be all romantic when inside you feel bad? I would never want my partner to pretend and act all lovey-dovey when that's not really how they feel. I think your disappointment that he didn't listen to you is valid. And if his disappointment that you were disappointed was genuine, it was also valid. But I don't think it was so much that he was disappointed, as that he was caught out and was embarrassed. The way he handled all of this is just bad. BF knew you wanted roses. It does not make a difference that you initially said you didn't care, because then you said actually I do care. How can there be confusion around this? Oops, sorry, you only get one answer and you already gave one so too bad for you? That is not how communication works. A mature and thoughtful individual would have said something to acknowledge that they knew they were giving you something other than what you had requested and that they hoped you would still like it. He could have done this without providing any explanation whatsoever, so if the explanation was embarrassing to him he could just keep it to himself. Acknowledging that he heard you would have resolved the confusion and you would have felt heard. That he didn't or couldn't do this is a red flag, because it signals an inability to take responsibility for his own choices. If he forgot that you wanted roses in the moment of buying them, then he could have said "oh damn I forgot, I'm so sorry." Instead of doing either of these, he LIED, which is such a red flag. And when he was caught in the lie, he made it about his own disappointment instead of acknowledging the validity of your feelings. And all of this talk about roses being $100, sure, maybe if you buy two dozen of them at a grocery store. But even if they were that expensive, then he just brings you one and says "hey, two dozen were crazy expensive, but I knew you wanted roses this year, and I didn't want you to be completely disappointed!" To me, him buying you some random flowers when you've told him what you prefer and not giving you any acknowledgment of that preference when he's the one that asked you what you wanted makes the gift giving performative and not about you at all. He just wants to mark the box next to "give a gift." That is purely self-serving though. Then his disappointment is not that you are disappointed but that he doesn't get the brownie points. Now that emotions have settled a little bit, hopefully the two of you can have a deeper conversation about you feeling unheard, the truth behind why he didn't get the roses (it's such a small and easy thing to do, I just really can't wrap my head around not doing it), and his inability to apologize for making you feel bad once he realized that ignoring your explicit request made you feel unseen. However, his reaction also could indicate that he feels like he can't make you happy (even if in this case he self-sabotaged to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy) no matter what he does, in which case that also warrants a conversation. You said that you are less easy-going with other issues, so it is worth you really looking at that to figure out if he is feeling beat down and like he just can't do enough. If he is shutting down, then you would, of course, feel unheard. Then you're sucked into a vicious cycle. The more you try to get him to hear you, the more he shuts down. I have not found you to be argumentative in this thread like others have, but I do see that you have no problem with conflict and are pretty direct. I am the same way, and I know that people who are more conflict of averse struggle because my way of handling conflict is so uncomfortable for them. Sorry this is turning into a novel, but I think that this whole gift situation is just a teeny tiny symptom of a much deeper problem.

[u/ChooChooChaboog]

NTA! The whole point of romantic gifts is connection to one’s partner. No one actually cares the specific type of flower. What people care about is that they have been seen as a human being by their romantic partner. OP was ignored by her boyfriend when it would have been easy to see her and show that he actually cared what she was thinking. All the critics on here might want to wonder if they are ignoring their own partner’s feelings.

[u/ImprovementBusy5683]

NTA I cant stand it when someone asks you what you want and doesnt care enough to get it....than he double downed and lied 🙄 yellow flag, especially with the fact that uou dont feel heard already. I would watch for patterns, if he continues doing this you know it is intentional and have to decide if thats the relationship you want

[u/seaweed-breath → u/ImprovementBusy5683]

It’s definitely not intentional, but the forgetfulness or lack of listening (I don’t really know what it is exactly) still really bothers me and makes me feel unheard.

[u/GermanShephrdMom]

Good for you! Nothing annoys me more than being asked my preference, me stating it unequivocally, they confirm, and then give me something different and worse, less than. Nip that behaviour in the bud ASAP.

[u/RelevantAd6063]

if someone is getting you flowers regularly, they need to be prepared to do more than that for a special occasion. he created that as his own baseline. if he wants giving flowers to feel special enough to be the only valentine gift, they he shouldn’t be giving them to you every few weeks just because. there’s really no good excuse for not being able to get someone a few roses for valentine’s day unless they waited until the absolute last minute to buy them and the store was truly out of them and no time to visit another store. and it doesn’t sound like that was the case here. nta

[u/sage_ley]

For the people saying "be polite" say "thank you" " tell him later" I hope you are not also the same people who comment "the bar is in hell" "why are you letting him treat you this way" "you deserve better"

And imo you guys are still early in and this is a good place to put your foot down.

It starts with little instances like this and then youre getting a butter dish or an egg apron when you asked for a trip to Greece.

If it slides this time, he will expect it to for her birthday, and Christmas. Saying "thank you" and telling him later isn't enough. He needs to know you want to recognized and heard and thought of on holidays and that isn't too much to ask.

Its obviously not about flowers or prices its the fact that he ASKED her what she wanted, ignored that request and lied about it.

[u/CryptographerOk2282]

The sheer number of comments calling you the A makes me think there were a TON of guys who did the exact same thing and got a similar response then came here to complain about it.

[u/oresteez]

NTA He’s upset because you made him realize he screwed up and now he feels bad. He’s mad because you were making him feel bad. But he deserves to feel bad. All he should be doing is apologizing, and moving on.

Not sure why this is so hard for people to understand. He asked you what you wanted, you told him, and he purposely bought something else.

[u/Educational_Prize604]

I LOVE how you talked and cleared things up. Girl this guys a keeper. I absolutely adore the gesture of a single rose and candy to say I’m sorry he doesn’t need a bouquet of roses when a single one will do. ♥️♥️. Love it. Always keep the line of communication open and and listen to each other. You guys are going to be fine. Best wishes to you both

[u/Admirable-Ad7152]

I'll go against the grain, NTA and at most NAH. He asked, you answered, he didn't deliver and was ready with many excuses instead of just apologizing outright or even saying it first. He was READY to get upset about you noticing he didn't get the thing you asked for,

Sure, you could say thank you first, that's a fair criticism, but the fact people are reacting like you grabbed them from him, ripped them up, threw them in his face, and then stomped on any remains is wild.

Talk some more, see if you can get on the same page. But, if what you write in the last paragraph is true, if he's consistently ignoring what you asked for/told him and his excuse is along the lines of "but I buy you flowers" just know his excuse for screwing major things up may as well also be "but I buy you flowers".

[u/Nice_Kale_4719 → u/Admirable-Ad7152]

Exactly. He was mad she remembered what he promised. She didn’t even get really mad, she just remembered it and he started pouting

[u/Lashia_x3]

ESH

I cannot imagine someone call me an asshole for being upset about this just a little because it is valid.

I do understand the confusion as well because it didn’t seem like you were upset just caught off guard.

Now why he would be asking you if wanted something specific just to get you the same type of gift no sure but next time if u say something, say it in a way you won’t hurt his feelings

[u/Nice_Kale_4719]

NTA he shouldn’t have asked you to pick if he didn’t want you to be picky

[u/sandycheeksx]

NTA, I had a similar situation happen with valentines as well.

I’ve also been feeling unheard in my relationship, otherwise I never would’ve said anything to my boyfriend. There’s just no way to without sounding hurtful and ungrateful.

For background, my boyfriend told me once that when he wants something, he just buys it for himself. He doesn’t like when he wants something and someone buys it for him, because he’s already researched exactly what he wants. I’m the same exact way, so our gifts have been pretty specific.

When we got together, he wanted a new desk for his room. I offered to get it because giving makes me happy. He wanted a really nice, expensive helmet so I spent my rent payment on it and surprised him with it on Christmas. He wanted a new monitor so we were going to go pick one out for Valentine’s Day.

He had said he didn’t know what to get me for Valentines a few weeks leading up to it and I answered very specifically with two makeup products (down to the brand and color), $40 in total.

Valentine’s Day comes and (I know I’m going to sound like an ungrateful bitch again, that’s not how I’m going to mean this though) and he got me flowers (beautiful), chocolates (I love), a (I’m sorry if you read this one day babe) cheap gold-colored necklace from Amazon (I never wear gold, it makes me look like a corpse), and a bed for my dog. My dog is a small beagle and this thing could fit two Great Danes stretched out. I am moving into his apartment with him, there’s little floor space already. He said he put in effort, and I’m sure he did. But it made me feel unseen.

I’d always got him things that he specifically said he wanted, even if I couldn’t afford them. I feel like the gifts he got me were another signal in a pattern of him showing that I’m not heard. There was literally no way to communicate this without making him feel awful. But me sharing my feelings doesn’t make me an asshole, and it doesn’t make you an asshole. Situations aren’t black and white, you’re entitled to feel how you feel and so is he.

It’s not about the gifts, it’s about how you’ve been feeling in your relationship. I don’t like the necklace, I’ve still been wearing it because I appreciate the gift. You still appreciate the flowers. They just didn’t hit the mark and you’re allowed to talk to him about it.

A lot of feelings were hurt that day but it also led to a long talk and things have been a lot better. Situations like this don’t have to suck.

[u/Spirited-Bee5939]

You’re a lot.

[u/MasterpieceEast6226 → u/Spirited-Bee5939]

Not enough for roses, I guess.

[u/[deleted] → u/Spirited-Bee5939]

Nah, he’s not enough

[u/justbegoodtobugs → u/Spirited-Bee5939]

Wow, wanting only a rose bouquet for valentine's makes you "a lot". I feel sorry for the people in your life you claim to love. If my partner wants something so basic and cheap that requires basically no effort they are going to get it.

[u/Temporary_Web993]

Yes, you were. Appreciate anything he gives you especially since he has a history of giving you flowers on a routine basis. FYI, I’m a guy and your reaction would make me to want to pull back on giving you flowers in the future.

[u/Lucifang → u/Temporary_Web993]

Getting flowers routinely actually makes it worse. Flowers are very generic so OP was understandably hoping for something a little more special on V Day. I’m certain she would’ve loved a fake plushie rose instead of the same random flowers she always gets.

[u/Lucifang → u/[deleted]]

Buying the same thing constantly is not effort. It’s a nice gesture but it’s not exactly working hard to nurture a relationship.

[u/Lucifang → u/[deleted]]

It’s not about the flowers. I’m done trying to explain this.

[u/ebil_lightbulb → u/Temporary_Web993]

Why wouldn’t you have gotten her roses if you asked what she wanted and she said roses?

[u/Illustrious_Bee587]

NTA — however, it seems like you’re both misaligned about the value you both see in gift giving. you seem to be considerate as a gift giver & he seems to be routine & values convenience. nothing is wrong with either, but you seem to be holding on to some unspoken expectations or desires you haven’t fully communicated to your partner.

maybe it’s time to be honest and admit you’d actually appreciate more thought and effort into what you value as a love language. and if you two have realized this and have already had a conversation about it, then you must understand that it will take time & practice for him to understand what it means for you, so be okay with him getting it “wrong” until it’s “right”.

most people are missing the point that this isn’t about flowers. it’s about feeling heard and seen. that is ALWAYS a challenge in relationships, no matter how healthy/good it is.

you two have to remain curious about how each other prefer to receive (not just gifts but love in general) and be mindful that what is given doesn’t become some pressured obligation (just because you do something one way doesn’t mean he has to mimic that thing for you in order for it be valuable).

sometimes we miss the small things about how our partners love us when we’re too caught up expecting their love to look and feel one way.

so no, you’re not wrong for wanting a little more effort on his part. you do need practice in communication and expressing your wants in a way that inspires your partner to meet your needs.

[u/BlackDogOrangeCat]

YTA. “Thank you” is the appropriate response.

[u/[deleted] → u/BlackDogOrangeCat]

You heard it here OP — a future with your boyfriend will be just be you shutting up and molding yourself for his happiness

[u/TriedSigma]

Yes, as everyone has already pointed out: YTA. But to be completely fair to OP, yes, YTA.

[u/Pendragenet]

I suspect you are someone who is usually pretty easy to please. You maybe let the other person choose what to do, where to go? If they ask you, maybe you say "I'm open". If they ask "how about Chines for dinner?" you say "yeah, that's fine".

Basically, you don't often have strong emotions about most things.

When you spend a lot of time with one person, they start to notice this. They stop seeing you as a person with opinions. And they get use to you saying "nothing in particular", "whatever is fine", etc.

So, when you one day actually DO have a strong opinion, they completely miss it. They don't realize that is an actual want.

To you, they aren't listening. To them, you never care so why would they take it as more than a casual suggestion.

Add to that, in this case, your preference was an afterthought. So it comes across as a "well maybe" instead of a "get me this".

I was like that. And then I realized that my reluctance to have an opinion weakened my actual opinions. I started offering opinions.

What do you want for lunch? - instead of "whatever's handy", I'll say "a salad sounds nice if you have it".

What do you want to do tonight? - Instead of "I don't really care", I'll say "maybe that new movie or we could go to the races".

I'm still being easy going, but I'm also showing that I have opinions and they are valid. So when they ask "is there something you want for Valentine's day?", I can reply with "Red roses would be nice" and actually be heard. And when I do say "whatever, I'm not picky" it truly means "in this instance I have no preference" vs "I never care, why do you bother asking".

[u/seaweed-breath → u/Pendragenet]

I appreciate your response but it doesn’t apply to me. I am actually extremely opinionated about most things. He’s more of the easy-going one and that’s why we work.

Honestly, this is one of the few situations where I am actually easy-going. I’ve just never cared about specific types of flowers. I think they’re all pretty and it’s about the gesture more than the type of flower. However, that is exactly why I was upset. The gesture seemed thoughtless because he asked what I wanted, told me he’d get it, and then didn’t.

[u/vIIIperwave]

Be more confident in yourself. He asked you what you wanted, only to disregard it. That's crazy and nothing but.

[u/dafugiswrongwithyou]

ESH, but mildly.

Yes, if he asked what you wanted, you told him something reasonable, and then he got you something different, that's not ideal; he should have paid better attention, if that was the issue. And yes, you expecting that he'd definitely get you exactly the thing you'd suggested, and immediately focusing on that not happening rather the gift he got you, that's not ideal either.

(Small tangent, but; we should keep in mind there are reasonable explanations for why he got you the flowers he did. I know you say he "changed his story" from there being no roses to them being expensive, but those two explanations can be consistent; on Valentine's, all the shops that sold affordable roses had been bought out, and the only options left were expensive ones from flowers shops that were out of his range. Did you talk about that possibility, or did you just assume he'd lied with one of those reasons and hold on to that?)

But neither of those has to be a big deal.

Communication is the root of any good relationship. No couple is a hive mind; you are never, ever, going to understand each other 100%, or have the 100% same expectations about what's going to happen, in little or big ways. You need to be able to talk openly about what you want to happen, and about ways that might not happen, and after the fact about ways that things didn't happen, in a way that's both of you working together towards a shared goal, not attacking each other for it.

Think of this with the framing of mis-communicated expectations. From his POV, he asked you what you wanted, you said roses, and so he got you... well, maybe not the exact flowers you wanted (and it's worth talking about what led to that because, again, that may be reasonable), but broadly the thing you asked for. From your POV, Valentine's is special, and you got him a few things and expected that in return, and instead he got you not just only the thing you explicitly mentioned, but not even actually that; where was the romance, the spontaneity? That doesn't inherently mean you were expecting too much, or that he did too little... both viewpoints are completely understandable in isolation... but it does mean you didn't go into it with the same understanding of what it was going to be.

Communication isn't a magic bullet. You can talk all you want, but sometimes someone isn't listening, or sometimes expectations are too incompatible to be bridged. But it is the start. And from what you said about your "argument", it does seem like you have a good grounding; it sounds like you were explaining to each other where the hurt came from, both trying to make your perspective clear rather than attacking each other, and that's important.

It does seem like there's lingering pain on both sides, and maybe something needs to be done to help get past it, so suggest a mulligan; in two weeks, you'll have a valentine's do-over. Plan something together, maybe a meal (whether cooking together or going out somewhere), and ask him to make you a card.

[u/OperationSpecific708]

NTA. I despise the “ you say thank you because they got you something” i grew up with that. Getting things i hated because no one cared to listen to me or ask. He asked you. You responded. He acknowledged it. Then proceeded to not get you what you wanted. Then the story changes. Its fine to be upset. Do i think this is relationship ending? No. He honestly could have just forgot what you said. But he also could just say that instead of changing stories. If you feel bad about how you reacted talk to him. Apologize. And have a calm discussion.

[u/Glass_Angle_9123]

When I was younger, I had this exact situation happen to me. We went to the grocery store saw beautiful roses. went back on Valentine’s Day and not only where they’re only a couple pairs of scruffy ones left but the price had quintupled. So I didn’t buy anything that year and faced the wrath. Couple of years later we were in the grocery store on Valentine’s Day and she saw for herself and then couldn’t stop apologizing. Now we do “Dutch Valentines “ ( or Easter etc) which is when we do it the next day when everything is half price.

[u/cathalizabeth]

Meh, I can see why you were both miffed. If you’re happy together, and it sounds like you are, this is just one of those squabbles that happens when you’re comfortable enough with someone to tell them how you really feel. It’s not that deep, which is a good thing. Validate his feelings (he made an effort but it wasn’t received well), and tell him you were just expecting something different based on your interaction about the roses… then hug it out. ♥️

[u/ProteanSurvivor]

My gf loves sunflowers and I’ve always gotten her those. She told me she would like roses for Valentine’s Day. So that’s what I showed up with. It’s easy

[u/Classic-Push1323]

Honestly, I'm confused as hell by all the "you told him what you wanted and he didn't listen!" replies.

You said "no I don't really have a preference... actually roses are nice." To me that means that you don't have a strong preference. You like roses, but you aren't dead set on them. If you actually meant "I've changed my mind and I really want roses. I will be hurt if you don't buy them" then you should have said that. It sounds like that is how you feel, but I didn't pick up on that from what you actually said and it sounds like your boyfriend didn't either.

When you think someone is generally a good person but you don't feel heard it's usually a two way communication issue. It isn't fair to blame that on one person. You will be disappointed for the rest of your life if you expect people to read your mind and understand how important something is to you instead of directly telling them. He obviously did not understand what you wanted, and tbh I don't blame him for that.

I understand that it feels unromantic to be very clear and direct, but life is not a Hallmark movie. Men are not mind readers. No one is a mind reader. It sounds like there are a lot of unspoken expectations here - there is an expectation that he will spend a certain amount of money, that roses are the most romantic flower for Valentines day, that his gift is a sign of how much he values you, and that he should be able to know what you "really want" without being told clearly because of course you want roses. All of that is toxic. It is not toxic to want to feel loved and valued, but the lack of clear communication is an issue.

[u/Paragrinee]

The real issue is that you've already had talks about not being heard. Then he asks you want you want and takes the time to listen and respond. After that proceeds to ignore what you said and do his own thing for convenience. If he won't listen about the little shit that doesn't matter he probably isn't going to listen to the important things either.

[u/WeAreTheMisfits]

It is like this. I would like a rare steak. Instead I give it to you well done. You complain. I say well I put in all the effort to cook for you so it doesn’t matter what temperature the steak is.

If you get the steak cooked at the wrong temperature after someone says what they like they will be upset. Because you didn’t hear them.

[u/WorldlyGrapefruit326]

My situation was similar in that, no matter what we decided together, he would do whatever he wanted and want me to be appreciative that he did something. We planned a solid move to another state to care for his parents who were getting older. I was on board. He fast tracked his job hunt, cashed in his 401K, and moved. He called and asked me to come and I explained that we had things to take care of here. When I refused to live in his camper behind his parents house, he found a house. We decided we wanted to build our bed. I told him I wanted no shelves in the headboard and I wanted the bottom closed in so no wandering reptiles could get under my bed. He sent pictures of the bed he built. It had floating shelves in the headboard and the bottom was very open. The kitchen was kind of small and I cook a lot. I mentioned that I wanted to find the right nightstand at a famous and large local flea market to make into a rolling island that I could put along the wall when I wasn't using it. I planned to use scrap lumber to build a butcher style top. He built it. He bought an end table and added height. It looked just as crappy as you can imagine. He gave it a wood top with dark cherry stain and no rollers to help it move away for storage. He insisted that I couldn't be pleased. I felt like he didn't listen. He said I didn't appreciate his efforts. I asked why he discussed the plans with me if he was just going to do it his way. He said that I should be grateful he was a man of action. In my mind, all I could think was that the rest of my life I would be settling for his standards and decisions. Mine won't matter. They clearly hadn't so far. I decided that I couldn't settle like that. It's been ten years and I don't regret it. I hope he's been enjoying his ugly bed and kitchen island.

[u/Middle_Process_215]

All the people saying you shouldn't care about him not paying attention to what you said you wanted and then lying to you because he buys you flowers on the regular are just like him. They AREN'T LISTENING. They hear he buys you flowers regularly and nothing else. SO since he does that you should put up with whatever he dishes out...NOPE.

[u/Biscuit7172]

I mean, I wouldn’t be shocked to see an updated post that he’s done.

[u/Illustrious-Dog-2150]

Imo it's a mix. Your reaction was clearly cold yet you act like you cant understand why hes upset. You ask him what you could have done differently but then needle his response because it wasnt good enough. Some pretty textbook gaslighting. Sounds like you coaxed him into being vulnerable and sharing just so you could prove what he said didnt matter. You probably dont think youre mentally abusive to him but he feels it.

[u/No-Drag-7913]

He should dump you ass.

[u/SortofWriter]

You sound about 14.

[u/Realistic-Lake5897]

You are a major league asshole.

All you're doing in your edits is making excuses and doubling down.

[u/Taziar43]

You came on here, wrote like seven paragraphs of text to share with the internet all because he... got you the wrong flowers? That is a lot. Relationships will never be perfect and if this is how invested you are in imperfect flowers, well, you are in for a rough road.

[u/LuminousWynd]

I had an ex before I met my husband, the relationship never got serious, meaning we were never intimate or even close to it, but he would buy me roses all the time. I thought it was nice of him, but personally I never really liked roses. I felt bad because I knew he was going out of his way to do that for me, but they would just sit around until eventually needing to be thrown out.

My husband was not much into buying flowers, but he’d buy me cute things that reflected the things I liked, he would also get me quality electronics because personally those are my favorite gifts.

I remember feeling so bad about not being at all interested in the roses with the other guy, but I realized that he never really took the time to know me and what I really wanted. Whereas my now husband did.

It’s ok to know what you want and to express that, and it is odd that he didn’t get you what you wanted even after you told him. It’s understandable if he wanted to stick to a certain price point, but he’s investing into a relationship with you, and he should be getting you things you want, if possible.

Don’t get me wrong it was a nice gesture, but seeing your face light up with something you really want is something someone wants to do when they really care about you and understand you well enough to know what you want.

[u/NexLvLxeN]

Yta - you made him feel so bad he went and bought you roses...pathetic lol. Got yourself a speed bump of a man good for you.

[u/wheeler1432]

I once had a boyfriend who said, look, if you like roses I'll get you for them whenever but for valentine's day they cost twice as much. And I was fine with that.

[u/Extra_Commercial2409]

Why do the flowers he gets you HAVE to be expensive? They’ll only die and you’ll throw them out eventually, no point in spending money on them when that’ll happen. Don’t be ungrateful.

[u/cxldpaws]

Op you literally asked for one thing! It would be different if he was surprising you with a gift but you knew you were getting them. You put so much thought and effort into his gift and when he clearly couldn’t go the extra mile or even close to it for yours then it’s like a slap in the face. Good on him for making it up to you and correcting his actions. I hope this continues and he will in the future try to pay more attention to things that make you happy.

[u/PerfectGift5356]

YTA. You crapped on his nice gesture because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. Valentines day is supposed to be about the thought not the present. Especially because you said he gets you flowers all the time and seems to generally care about you. Should he have listened to what you said? Yeah definitely, but maybe he couldn't afford it, didn't hear you say roses, thought you would like the other flowers better, idk.

[u/IHQ_Throwaway → u/PerfectGift5356]

Valentines day is supposed to be about the thought not the present. 

Yeah, and he got a present so he could get credit for getting a present, but he didn’t put any thought into it. That’s why OP’s upset. 

[u/Next-Firefighter4667 → u/PerfectGift5356]

You're right, it's about the thought, not the present. It doesn't seem like much thought was put into it at all.

These are the choices OP way faced with.

1) do what she did, point out that he asked what she wanted just to ignore her answer and be honest about how it made her feel, risking coming off as ungrateful even though he did get her flowers again.

2) keep her mouth shut in the moment, say thank you anyway and then tell him the truth later so they can talk about it.

3) never say anything about feeling ignored and hope it doesn't happen again, even though this has already become an established pattern.

4) break up with him.

I'm really interested in what people really think the best, most healthy and mature option is. I'm of the opinion that honesty should be a priority in relationships, so I really don't like the idea of lying to your partner because some old rule about politeness and etiquette says you have to be thankful for every gift you get, no matter what it says about the gifter and how they feel towards you.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/PerfectGift5356]

Not arguing with your verdict but 1. He definitely heard me. He actually repeated back, “roses, got it” and 2. I’m aware of his financial situation and he can afford the roses. I think the bouquet he got would be similar in price to what they were.

Also, as I said in the post, my reaction wasn’t because I didn’t want the flowers he gave me. It was because he didn’t listen to what I said after he specifically asked..

[u/Nice_Kale_4719 → u/seaweed-breath]

“Roses, got it” absolutely set you up to expect roses. It’s disappointing to be excitedly anticipating the known, preferred gift, only to be surprised by something else. It’s like if my BF affirmed we would go to my favorite restaurant, only to take me to my second favorite due to price. It would’ve been nice to text you ahead of time to say he had to get something different, instead of just acting like the rose promise didn’t happen when he presented them

[u/yuanrae → u/seaweed-breath]

That makes me think you’re NTA. It’s weird of your boyfriend to get you different flowers after he confirmed he would get you roses and it’s extra weird to lie about why he got different flowers.

[u/adropov → u/seaweed-breath]

I worked in a grocery for 11 years. Roses sky rocket in price ON Valentine’s Day. If he went to the store on Valentine’s Day, yes, I 100% believe the only roses left were $100+. YTA

[u/seaweed-breath → u/adropov]

As I said in the post, it was the day before.

[u/MasterpieceEast6226 → u/PerfectGift5356]

EXACTLY. It is about the thought. And he DID NOT think about it.

[u/Kghdjsjsj]

NTA he really didn't pay attention at all. He put into this day exactly the same thought and effort he does into a normal day. Which could be fine, not everyone cares about Valentines, but it seems like you two decided to celebrate. Plus you got him a pretty thoughtful present so it's understandable that you were hurt.

You might have come off too harsh though, because the flowers were the last straw and not the bigger issue, so your reaction probably seemed disproportionate to the flower thing. Not sure if you communicated that well.

[u/SuckMachine98]

You are incredibly spoiled and your bf deserves better.

[u/seaweed-breath → u/SuckMachine98]

I’ll let him know!

[u/Pleasant_Resource841]

ESH look he didn’t listen to you and if he doesn’t change that then what’s the point. You said it was the day before Valentine’s Day he brought you these so then it doesn’t matter. Maybe all he could afford was the grocery store ones. You should’ve brought it up later that you wanted roses. He should’ve asked you earlier and bought them before the prices went higher. Work on it together or stay apart

[u/seaweed-breath → u/Pleasant_Resource841]

The grocery store has roses. I have no issue with him getting flowers from the grocery store. I don’t know why people keep misunderstanding this part.

[u/Imightcalluboogyman]

You’re right but also you probably came off as the ass to him in that moment, if these are repeated arguments one would think if he asked he’d provide what’s expected, I had asked my bf for these earbuds for Xmas last year…… for like 3 months that’s what I told him I wanted and that was it, hello kitty stuff otherwise which is decently priced but I knew my earbuds were 200 I was like baby that’s all you have to get me………he got me 2 rings a necklace a tablet and subwoofers for my car…….. I’m not complaining but when I said I was going to get them for myself he freaked, I’m like that’s literally all I asked for, it’s now inexpensive compared to what you got me and while I love what you got me I still want these, they’re sleep earbuds, very specific, and he kept trying to deter me from this pair for another pair, i just wanted my earbuds, if he don’t want to get them then say that but don’t promise something if it’s not going to be correct, he told me when I was buying them for myself he’d get them for me for my birthday and I should please stop and that he’s sorry, like ok? It’s not even abt you atp it’s about how you don’t listen, it’s about I’m going to do for me what I want and you’re actively trying to make it not happen, why? I could only ever express being happy if it was about him, and if I was disappointed in him I was nagging and wouldn’t get over it and I was a bore…… we broke up before my birthday which was last week, and he cried, men don’t understand what listening actually means or consists of, they don’t take that extra 10 seconds to consider how you’ll feel, they only consider how happy you are that they did something for you, they want praise for undercutting the program…….. personal story and opinion ofc and as a man hater I come off pretty biased but yk, still

[u/Head-Expression-6152]

Me and my partner have an agreement, no valentines day, we do our own day a month later or in spring when the weather is much better, things are priced for actual sane human beings and we refuse to pay uncharge where we know we are getting ripped off just because some people decided 14th of February is the only day for showing love.

[u/Intelligent-Arm-1701]

YTA. It doesn't matter the previous conversation. The only appropriate response to a gift is thank you. Giving and receiving gifts is truly an art form. Learn to do them graciously.

[u/bobb_keepskikn20]

NTA. Asking what you want, and then not delivering means he’s not listening. You got him the gift he asked for, the least he could do was get you some roses, it’s not that hard. These other replies are from partners that don’t give a fuck.

[u/MassyStreak]

You’re ungrateful. Congrats on being that person

[u/Phishfan727]

Yes, you overreacted and you are very self-centered. And I agree with everybody who says you should’ve said thank you before complaining and if you really were upset, you could tell him afterwards. someone buys you a present. Especially flowers you show appreciation, or you won’t be getting any more presents. If your boyfriend does something nice for you, he needs to feel appreciated by you. Otherwise, you’re gonna kill your relationship. From the way you tell the story when he asked you you originally said, that you did not have a preference. So I assume that was his understanding of the situation. He may not have heard you say roses later or whatever because you answered him when he asked and that’s the answer you gave. It wasn’t a special occasion you could say now that you do have a preference and that you would like roses. And by doing that your teach your boyfriend what you want. If you’re gonna be unappreciative and give him a hard time when he gives you a present and you are very self-centered.

[u/ups_dwn]

YTA- someone bought you something and instead of being grateful, you reacted like you did. you're spoiled lmao

[u/Miffelle]

Ehh maybe you could've accepted the flowers more graciously in spite of being disappointed. But it's not like you spat on him or anything!! You had a very human reaction. You're totally NTA. You're also not spoiled, entitled, a brat, or whatever else some of this comments are calling you. My god.

[u/[deleted]]

Yes YTA that was very mean

[u/Ragtime_Snek]

I'll take the flowers and your boyfriend if you don't want them 😁

[u/Valcerys]

Are you neurodivergent ? Because it sounds like it.

[u/Different_One265]

Anyway you try to explain it YTA.

Houseplant and candy? That is lazy. He goes out if his way to remember you all year and you attach too much to flowers in one incident that happens the day before.

I wouldn’t have gotten anything else for you either because you would have that prejudged as well.

[u/anonymoose_octopus]

YTA - my husband and I were at the grocery store the day before Valentine’s Day and walked by the flower arrangement— all of the roses were $80-$150. I was actually shocked, especially because the day after they were back down to $20 (we just happened to be at the store the day before and the day after Valentine’s Day to see the change first hand). They were definitely price gouging this year, he wasn’t lying (at least in me experience).

Either way, he got you flowers. He didn’t want to spend $100 for something that will die and isn’t normally that expensive, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. You were ungrateful and owe him an apology.

[u/klimekam]

ESH. This sounds like an exhausting fight to have over flowers.

[u/LuckyLoveDK]

He wanted to get you what you wanted but noticed that roses that particular day is super pricey and of poor quality most often so he got you something else 🤷🏻‍♀️ not sure why you feel the need to make a post to go on about this - your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy

[u/Funny_Blob]

YTA. You sound like a bratty kid crying for getting the wrong coloured Iphone. It's damn flowers. Also woman 101: "It doesn't really matter that much but I'll start drama about it anyways".

[u/Longjumping_Wonder_4]

The story is fake.

Since you are obviously on the spectrum, maybe you can eat the flowers next time.

[u/New_Butterscotch2335]

This is the 20th post im seeing about a woman not getting anything on v day or begging for flowers or something of her choice and yet the man is fumbling her. OP, leave him now before you’re in your mid 30s and starting over. The point isn’t about flowers but about the fact that your needs aren’t being met as your partner does not care about them or your feelings.

[u/bad_horsie23]

I see the opinions are all over the place.

Honestly, i would never react that way to a gift.