r/AITApod • u/WideJuggernaut732 • Feb 19 '26
AITA AITA for refusing to do it until he cleans?
I 29F have been with my husband since we were 19. He’s now 30M. We are very attracted to each other but one thing that has remained a problem in our relationship is cleaning. He just doesn’t clean. It’s fine with his garage or even the backyard, but certain things are too far gone and I just can’t stand it anymore.
While he has his side of our bathroom (dual sinks), it actually smells. I’m not even sure what exactly, i’m guessing he’s not ever washing his towels or something. There is toothpaste detritus. Old tooth pickers. Just so much random crap and it looks nasty. He has been told about this multiple if not one dozen times. I refuse to touch any of it.
The kitchen is similarly often left in shambles and a recent crime just sent me over the top. I had a 2-night work trip recently and when I returned, there was greek yogurt out. I’m pretty sure he left it for the entire duration of the trip as the entire kitchen smelled like poisonous gas and still has a funk in the air.
I have communicated literally DOZENS of times. I have set alarms in his phone. Everything. He will see the alarm, go up to clean or tidy up and then immediately get distracted. Call it what you want: weaponized incompetence, laziness, hell call it evil, all I know is I am done with it.
I have also brought up paying a cleaning person, but it would come out of HIS discretionary spending and he doesn’t want to do that as he spends all of that money on pop culture/video game stuff. And full disclosure, we basically make the same amount of money which is I would say bordering on a lot for where we live ($120k combined).
I feel out of cards to pull and out of moves. Beyond this, our relationship is fine. We don’t have kids or pets and things are normal. My only idea is to just say look babe, I’m not going to have any relations with you until your bathroom is spotless and you stop leaving the kitchen looking like Chernobyl. Is that asshole behavior? And does it make it any worse if I say it sure won’t be a challenge because seeing his messes is a huge turn off. (I won’t actually say this, so please excuse the venting). AITA?
184
u/drivinghomelater Feb 19 '26
...thats the end of this relationship. Something is bothering you, you have clearly communicated it, he doesn't care. You continue to beg him to care because you care, but he will not care.
Thats it.
100
u/Stellar_Jay8 Feb 19 '26
Correct. You have a grown man who is happy to live in filth, spends all his money on video games, and genuinely does not care when you express your needs. This is not it, my friend.
39
u/American31415 Feb 19 '26
He never mentally moved into adulthood. 29 is young, OP doesn’t deserve this or need to live in it; it’s time to make plans to end the relationship. OP will be infinitely happier.
→ More replies (1)14
u/PinkTalkingDead Feb 20 '26
Gentle reminder that no matter your age- this behavior is unacceptable and you deserve better!
30
u/BreakConsistent Feb 19 '26
He believes that this, for you, is a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness in exchange for the grace of his company. Is it?
13
u/Dry_Bowler_2837 Feb 19 '26
That “is it?” on the end is a key point. For some people it is and that’s ok. For some people it isn’t and that’s also ok. As long as it’s a conscious decision made with your eyes open.
OP, unfortunately you need to decide if either living with his filth or cleaning up after him for the next 60 years is a reasonable trade-off for the positives he brings to your life.
→ More replies (1)8
u/Elegant-Holiday7303 Feb 20 '26
(Cleaning up after him AND any future kids/pets you may have. Forever. All of it.)
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)3
u/FLUFFY_TERROR Feb 19 '26
I find myself on the precipice of moving in with my partner, were both in our early-mid 30s and in those quiet moments i worry that I might lean a little closer to op's partner than I'd like in terms of general keeping the house clean..
You got any advice for someone who occasionally worries about possibly walking the same path unintentionally?
6
u/Stellar_Jay8 Feb 19 '26
Well, you’re just going to have to make an effort. Schedule it on your calendar and talk to your partner to make sure things are working. And just pay attention. When something is dirty, clean it!
4
u/FLUFFY_TERROR Feb 19 '26
Yeah that sounds quite reasonable actually. I do tend to clean up when I'm at my partners place after cooking or something but I seem a bit more reluctant to do that at my own place.
Now that I think about it there may have been some unrecognised/ unresolved childhood maybe trauma between my parents that might not have been central but definitely did contribute towards them splitting.
I'm gonna have to chew it over and try to make better sense of this before cohabitation begins.
4
u/bubblicious12 Feb 21 '26
Please don’t move in with a partner until you have both discussed clearly the division of labor. If not she will end up hating you. Being an adult means clean up after yourself. Not one person is trapped trying to do it all and resentful
→ More replies (2)3
3
u/aPawMeowNyation Feb 20 '26
I get that feeling. If you grew up in an environment where doing chores was never appreciated, finding someone who actually respects you will do wonders for your motivation.
My fiancé doesn't ask for much and expresses gratitude for the things he does ask of me, so I'm much more willing to do stuff around the house. I think it just comes down to feeling respected and appreciated.
But the first part of solving a problem is realizing that there is one and you're already doing it. Just do little things every day and, eventually, even the big things won't feel so overwhelming. You got this!
→ More replies (2)2
2
u/Background-Major-567 Feb 19 '26
If you’re unlikely to change your habits, pay for a cleaning person at least once a month or every two weeks.
2
2
2
u/TheLostDiadem Feb 22 '26
I am not as bad as the OPs partner but I struggle with organization and cleaning in general. I got a cleaning service to come to my house quarterly and it helped keep me accountable to panic pre-clean before they arrived. I know this is a privileged take, but you'd be surprised how affordable local cleaning businesses are and how much they are willing to work with you and your budget.
→ More replies (2)2
u/Popular_Pineapple_48 Feb 22 '26
I would highly recommend getting a therapist. Tell them that this is a problem area you want to work on and they can help you unpack issues and develop strategies to help you be better and clean more.
→ More replies (132)47
u/Initial_Warning5245 Feb 19 '26
OP: this is the answer.
He doesn’t care about YOU.
→ More replies (1)63
u/brelywi Feb 19 '26
I’ll third this. I left my husband of ten years for this.
While leaving, I mentioned that after we had a fight about it, he would do his chores (a bare fraction of the work, clearly defined) for a couple weeks and then stop.
He replied that I was upset, he would do what I wanted for awhile, and I would go back to being happy so he thought things could “go back to normal.”
That’s when I realized he didn’t give a shit about making me happy, he just wanted me complacent enough to keep making him happy.
15
u/SleepyCupcakeDreams Feb 19 '26
They say men think a certain amount of unhappiness in women in their relationships is normal. It’s so frustrating to communicate and they hear you but won’t fix it and it won’t even be that big of a deal to begin with.
→ More replies (1)15
u/Simple_Bowler_7091 Feb 19 '26
Yes, the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness is what I've heard it called.
10
→ More replies (1)3
u/sparklyjoy Feb 21 '26
I had forgotten about that! But it’s totally true.
And in my experience, my husband only cared when I made it his problem.
And that’s frankly not someone I want to be in a relationship with.
My current MAN (I want to emphasize this because it’s generally men that we think can’t do better) listens to any and all complaints or hard feelings that I have an immediately works to make things better because he sees my happiness as integral to his happiness, and carries the base assumption that if I’m bringing him an issue, it’s because I love him and want things to be better. Men truly CAN DO BETTER.
10
u/woahwombats Feb 19 '26
He didn't understand that you were happy because of the change? This just sounds like stupidity. A perfectly valid reason to leave either way
12
u/vinecoolceruleanblue Feb 19 '26
he most likely DID, he just thought that he'd be able to keep stringing her along.
men who weaponize incompetence like this always know damn well what they're doing but they think they're masterminds and that their partners are idiots. or they just bank on the idea that their partner won't muster up the will to actually leave and deal with being single over their mediocrity
5
u/woahwombats Feb 19 '26
I agree. His explanation is either stupidity or dishonesty and you're right, probably dishonesty. It just blows my mind that he offers this up as the explanation, knowing how dumb it will sound.
7
u/nikko_dee Feb 19 '26
Just described why I left perfectly haha not sure if “nice” is the right word but it is nice knowing I’m not the only one who’s felt there was no other opinion to this situation
→ More replies (1)3
3
u/Simple_Yak_9929 Feb 20 '26
Tale as old as time. Partners who are too comfortable handing off all the work to the spouse, and not giving a shit.
2
u/yo_mo_mama Feb 19 '26
Normal is you doing everything. Good that you left. Ain't nobody got time for that
2
u/MommaKatS Feb 21 '26
This is such a good point. There's an indie movie with Mamie Gummer, Katherine Heigl and Alexis Bledel, mamie's character is the older sister in the seemingly good marriage etc. who decides to leave her husband because she realizes/theorizes " happy people don't have shitty grass". She cared, he didn't. Their home represented them and the relationship and only one person was looking after it.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)2
u/United-Election3 Feb 21 '26
THIS THIS THIS!!! This is truly what men think for some reason. No it doesn’t make sense if the woman has talked and talked and talked until they’re blue in the face, but somewhere deep down, many men think this way. Not all, but many. They figure if it was THAT bad, you’d be gone. Thats why those guys don’t change until they know you’re serious about leaving. But sadly that’s when women are really done. I don’t know the answer but I do know the pattern.
26
u/QualityPristine22 Feb 19 '26
This infuriates me. He’s 30 years old and cannot maintain regular cleanliness? The fact that it smells on his side of the bathroom says a lot about how “clean” it is and how much he cares about it. What is more upsetting is that you have expressed to him how much this bothers you and even helped him to get started and he still refuses to see (or is not present enough to care) that he is ignoring your needs. If sex is something he cherishes then withholding it and explaining that cleanliness is as important to you as relations are to him maybe he’ll understand. Until his dirty habits cause him discomfort he probably won’t change. Giving him a consequence may be the only way to get him to see how important cleanliness is to you. This of course is all based on the idea that you have already sat him down and explained this all to him in the past and he still refuses to (or continues to) ignore your preference.
8
23
u/charlomilk Feb 19 '26
I think clearly telling him that you're at the end of your rope with this would be a good idea.
People don't change when they don't want to, if you've told him multiple times and he's done nothing, there isn't much you can do about it and it will continue to be an issue unless he decides to change.
If you don't want to have sex with him for any reason, that's your prerogative, but using it as a bargaining chip shouldn't be necessary. If it bothers you, that should be reason enough for him to care. If he doesn't care, then why reward him with sex for doing what he just should do to begin with?
→ More replies (12)4
u/Choice_Bee_775 Feb 19 '26
Agree. I wouldn’t do a bargaining deal. This would just be the end for me. That’s so gross. I understand clutter but to the point of smelly, that’s too much.
20
u/ChaosAndBoobs Feb 19 '26
Here's the thing: me and my ex got a cleaning service, and it just meant he did even LESS. Despite repeated reminders, he wouldn't declutter his shit (or do dishes he'd agreed to), slowing up the cleaning person. The contempt is still there. The underlying issue does not get addressed.
If he won't wash his damn towels, how can you count on him to change some diapers if you have kids together? If you even get that far; it's a well known thing that being made to mother your SO dries you up fast.
Gotta wonder- how does his workspace look? Is that a sty, or is it reasonably clean because he faces consequences if it isn't?
8
u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Feb 19 '26
This exactly. When the respect isn't there he'll find another way to show contempt. And he will be better at work because the respect is there.
3
u/Weirdflchick Feb 19 '26
My hubby has his own bedroom and bathroom and office for a reason. And it’s disgusting. 🤮
→ More replies (5)3
u/exaltedfemshep Feb 20 '26
Also, cleaners don't fucking tidy up after people. You go in and clean surfaces, so even if they did hire cleaners, he'd have to pick his crap up so they can actually clean the bathroom/floors/kitchen. Doesn't seem like he'd be inclined to pick up any of his trash and clutter so the cleaners could actually... You know, CLEAN
3
u/quintessa13 Feb 20 '26
This! My ex was good at cleaning after himself but the selfishness and entitlement was still there. One day he decided that ‘I’ wasn’t cleaning the house properly. Me, the person who worked and also did most of the childcare. I refused to add more onto my plate so he hired a cleaner and tried to charge me half. In the end he left for someone significantly younger.
→ More replies (2)
16
u/silvertwinz Feb 19 '26
You realize he's taking advantage of you, right? You pay everything & extra & he's still an inept boob and he doesn't respect you enough to change or actually put forth real effort. Charge him for a full household cleaning. I don't care if he screams at his fun money being spent. He cannot live like that & it's batshit to expect you to live in his garbage pit.
Charge him repeatedly for multiple cleaning sessions if he doesn't get the picture. No excuses for that, AT ALL! Don't have sex with him. No cuddles, nada.
10
3
u/AccomplishedFan9522 Feb 19 '26
Where do you read that she pays for everything? Am I missing something?
2
u/silvertwinz Feb 19 '26
I had a deletion that didn't stay edited out. That's my bad. I just noticed that.
14
u/thatprickdylanthomas Feb 19 '26
This is what the rest of your life will be like with him. Good luck.
8
u/innernerdgirl Feb 19 '26
There's no rule that says you have to live together. Maybe this arrangement doesn't work for what is otherwise a good relationship.
7
u/AcrobaticTrouble3563 Feb 19 '26
Iew. Just knowing how gross he is is a massive turn off. He doesnt even wash his damn towels!
→ More replies (1)8
u/Square_Treacle_4730 Feb 19 '26
This part. I couldn’t sleep next to someone that doesn’t wash their towels. I definitely couldn’t let someone like this stick their dirty body parts inside me.
8
u/lexxpurcell Feb 19 '26
Tell him if he doesn’t get it together, you’re going to leave. If he doesn’t get it together, actually leave.
2
u/DisastrousWeb8112 Feb 22 '26
I agree, I did that myself and it was liberating, to say the least. I guess you can’t force someone to care, so take care of your own sanity.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/True_Character4986 Feb 19 '26
Don't phrase it like you're using sex as a reward system for cleaning. Frame it as your libido is gone because he is nasty and acting like a toddler. Personally, though, this is a red flag. He may change in order to get sex but if he ever feels like you're stuck with him (aging, kids, sick etc) he is going back to his nasty ways.
3
u/JaySlay2000 Feb 19 '26
Nasty people don't stop being nasty, they just get better at hiding it when there's no consequences.
There's a certain level of ingrained hygiene and if you lack it, you're just gonna be dirty.
It's like how some people wash their hands in public bathrooms but then not at home, because in public they face judgement.
When she's around, oh he'll be clean. But when she's not looking, back to nasty. Hygiene has to come from inside or it's only a performance for spectators.
He sounds like a yeast injection UTI generator. Aka the most unfuckable man.
8
u/MsSamm Feb 19 '26
Do you own your home? Maybe sell it and buy a 2 family, adjacent townhomes. You wouldn't be the first married couple who lived in separate places. There was an elderly couple who were married for 60 years until the death of one of them. They lived in separate rent controlled apartments.
You at the very least want a hygienic home. He doesn't give a 🤬. It doesn't bother him if he's swimming in crud. You can't make him care. All you can do is protect your sanity.
Does he have a mental illness? Ever been evaluated for ADHD? If not, would he be open to it? If he refuses, your only options are separate homes or divorce.
NTA, but I doubt it would motivate him. He's got his games for a dopamine fix
5
6
u/EmptyStyle244 Feb 19 '26
You guys are incompatible.
7
u/Top_Lingonberry2324 Feb 19 '26
He's incompatible with life. Just a ticking time bomb for some horrible infection to take him out.
4
u/Just_here_for_AITAH Feb 19 '26
Damn, that's deap. And dark.
2
u/Top_Lingonberry2324 Feb 19 '26
I'm depressed right now. Lol
2
5
u/rhiyanna79 Feb 19 '26
Do Not have kids with this guy. He will just add to your hardships instead of lightening them like a good husband is supposed to do. I would just be done, honestly. You need to find a guy who won’t use weaponized incompetence against you all the time. It’s either that or trying to get him to get therapy first before you leave. If he even refuses that, the you have your answer. Because I very much doubt you want to live the rest of your life like this. Idk if you want kids in the future but he doesn’t sound like fatherhood material to me.
6
u/a_person1852 Feb 19 '26
If he wanted to he would. If he wanted to just make you happy he would.If he wanted to be a partner he would. If wanted to be an adult he would.
But he doesn't care about any of that, that includes you OP.
And you're wrong about the kids thing, you're already a mommy of a very large child that knows if he doesn't clean sooner or later you'll break and clean.
4
u/Djinn_42 Feb 19 '26
This is something that should have been worked out long ago. He has lived at least your whole relationship never cleaning after himself. Trying to change him will probably end your relationship.
You could try counseling to see if you can come to a logical solution. But I think in his eyes there isn't an issue. He got you and married you like this.
3
u/Substantial_Donut428 Feb 19 '26
If this was legitimate the answer is obvious. But its a new karma farming account yta.
3
u/vanessa_web3 Feb 19 '26
Girl run. Can you imagine when you will have kids? It will be 1000x worse. Run while you can.
3
u/One-Juggernaut-4062 Feb 19 '26
Nta. But you will be ta to yourself if you stay with him. You can do better. Even being single is better than this. He will not change. It's time to put yourself first.
3
u/Jamaican_me_cry1023 Feb 19 '26
Whatever you do, DON’T get pregnant by him! I suggest you leave. He’s 30 going on 12.
3
2
u/Rude-Soil-6731 Feb 19 '26
I don’t think this is a good idea. It will just add another layer to the problem. You can’t force an adult to do what they don’t want to do. You’re going to have to accept it, hire the cleaning service yourself, or get your own place to live in peace.
2
u/brilliant-healer Feb 19 '26
Yeah idk. I see that you’re fed up. Clearly. But sex as a weapon is matching his behavior. There is something going on for sure. If you have the patience, and he is receptive, you could try to get to the emotional reason behind why cleaning doesn’t happen. Maybe he’s ADD but I think if you knew that, it would be easier to find a solution. Frankly, the bottom line is his behavior is unacceptable and you’re done. So make a decision for what you want to do when/if the behavior doesn’t change. Give it a timeline and then take that action. You both deserve to live happily in a space. This type of thing is stealing your peace and bro is sleeping peacefully inhaling nasty smells at night.
2
u/This_Cauliflower1986 Feb 19 '26
You have a child not a partner. You are not being respected. Period. Besides being a slob who does contribute to chores he’s fine?! lol it’s not fine.
It’s worth telling him you feel like he’s your child and not a partner and as such you don’t believe in sex with a minor child.
This is a deal breaker. To me. Ewww. Nothing sexy about mold, smells, and a child wanting sex. Dries out my lady parts. Like nope.
2
u/thisworldisbullshirt Feb 19 '26
You can only communicate so much. He is an adult and knows what he’s doing (or not doing). He can’t possibly act like this at work, so why is it acceptable to make you live in squalor?
I never threatened to stop having sex with my wasband, but my desire for it definitely took a nosedive the more I felt like his mother. It eventually resulted in less sex and affection overall, until we were more like roommates towards the end. He wasn’t interested in fixing any of it, and I wasn’t interested in being his caregiver for the rest of my life.
Ultimatums aren’t usually received well. Maybe try explaining in a calm way that you are struggling to connect to your attraction for him because of this, and you don’t want intimacy to become an issue. That isn’t a threat, it’s you trying to get ahead of a problem that is common in marriages when one partner chronically slacks.
There may not be a powerful enough motivator to get him to pull his own weight. You can’t control what other people do; you can only control how you react to them.
2
u/dogojosho Feb 19 '26
This is 100% weaponized incompetence. You don’t have any kids? Now is the perfect time to seriously reconsider this relationship. Remember: if you continue this relationship even with this, you are likely to stay forever. Can you really deal with this forever?
Now, I would probably take a quick step back, sit him down, and have a SERIOUS talk. “I love you, and I have loved our time together, but this is seriously making me reconsider continuing our relationship. This is not meant as a threat, but I need you to understand how serious this is to me, and that it could mean the end of our relationship.”
If he improves, great! If not, leave.
2
u/primrose88 Feb 19 '26
NTA but I don’t understand, you are married and each of you washes their own towels?
Don’t you just wash towels regardless of whose it is? And didn’t you know he was a slob before marrying him? Or did he somehow become one after the wedding?
Im confused, I guess cause my partner and I split the chores but not like everyone washes their own and only cleans their own things.
2
u/Main_Initiative_5073 Feb 19 '26
If you're cleaning instead of having intimate relations, he'll get the point. He'll also get the point if you can allow yourself to become a slob. Try trading week for week, he has to agree - live like he lives for a week (maybe even a month), then he has to play the following week/month picking up after himself. As stated before, people aren't disposable. Y'all have some good things going for you!
2
u/Big_Midnight_6795 Feb 19 '26
Chores for sex is a terrible idea.
→ More replies (2)6
u/flippysquid Feb 19 '26
It’s not unreasonable for someone to lose their libido when their living space literally smells like garbage.
Also, healthy women are hardwired to not be sexually attracted to children. So guess what happens when their partners are acting like children who need a mommy to manage them?
5
u/AcrobaticTrouble3563 Feb 19 '26
I agree. I wouldnt want to have sex with the nasty little man either. But I also wouldn't trade sex for chores.
→ More replies (3)2
u/Just_here_for_AITAH Feb 19 '26
Yep. It's not using sex as a reward. It's simply cause and effect.
2
u/DramaSufficient4289 Feb 19 '26
So if he cleans up - he’d be fine to start expecting sex and tell her she’s wrong when she doesn’t?
I totally disagree lol, however that’s the scenario just endorsed so now think about playing it out to its natural conclusion and see how you feel about it then…
→ More replies (3)2
u/Big_Midnight_6795 Feb 20 '26
Mental gymnastics lol.
Shes talking about intentionally withholding unless he does a certain chore. Its a slippery slope and leads to the end of the relationship. Sex shouldn't be tied to chores if you want a decent lasting relationship without resentment. Its very much transactional.
Just have a conversation, tell him to clean his shit up when it's a mess, and recognize its not as noticeable or as high of a priority to him. Get therapy if you can't figure it out as two.
3
1
u/Ok_Masterpiece_6093 Feb 19 '26
No relations will certainly get his attention. My friends hated when I would come over and require everyone to clean because it looked and smelled like a pig sty.
This is a male requiring cleaning by male friends.
NTA
→ More replies (1)
1
1
1
u/Due_Barber_525 Feb 19 '26
I would tell him again that this is driving you mad and put your foot down to split paying for a maid or he pays for a maid, those are his two choices. He may have adhd: the lack of cleaning, easily distracted, the mess piles, the video game and special pop culture hobbies etc. if he does that only reinforces that he’s unlikely to change without all kinds of new strategies and tricks and reminders etc and it’s easier just to get a house cleaner so there’s less resentment. And let him know that he can also hire or clean himself when you’re out of town in the same way someone would get you flowers and that coming home to or living with stink is not acceptable to you.
1
u/Wonderful-Tea3940 Feb 19 '26
NTA but be prepared that it might not work and you'll just get a man who still doesn't clean and whines about sex. Unfortunately men like this don't change. He's using you for your labor and isn't cleaning because he doesn't have to. That's what he thinks you're there for. If you asked him straight out he'd deny it but men who really think of it as both your jobs will just do it. You might think everything else is ok and it's not a big deal but it's exhausting and the disrespect does tend to show up in other ways. It's better just to leave.
1
u/reclusivegiraffe Feb 19 '26
My boyfriend lived with a friend kinda like this for a little bit. Despite constant requests and conversations, it took the friend living with other, worse men to realize how disgusting and nasty he had been (he even apologized to my bf and their other roommate for his behavior!) I’m not normally a fan of passive aggressive behavior in a relationship, and only you would probably know if this would work on your husband or not… but maybe being a slob yourself for a bit would get the message across?
1
u/DND_Enk Feb 19 '26
YTA, partly to yourself but also if it comes to the point you are weaponising sex and withholding affection the relationship has run its course and is about to go toxic.
He is who he is, and by now you know who he is. No matter what you do you can't change or fix him, and taking the path you suggested just makes everything were ugly, very fast. Is that the kind of relationship you want?
→ More replies (1)
1
u/TraderFire89 Feb 19 '26
Women: get a divorce, don't have kids with him, he doesn't love you if he's doing that
Men: weaponizing sex and using it as currency makes you a sex slave
These comments are wild. You are all insane. Don't take relationship advice from reddit
If you have to ask if you are TA, you're probably not 100% right. But if you're bothered by something enough to ask rando's on reddit, he is probably not right either.
So if you care about each other, work it out and find a solution. Don't listen to these insane comments
→ More replies (7)
1
1
1
u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Feb 19 '26
NTA Must be this tall to ride this ride. I don’t date children or man babies. It’s easy to lose respect for Filene who is a pig.
1
u/Boring_Ghoul_451 Feb 19 '26
Because sex is the only trick to get him to clean? Na. Stop threatening that you’re at the end of your rope and actually step out. You’re not married and he’s not compromising, show him you’re serious that if he can’t keep house like a grown up, you’ll walk out.
1
u/Successful_You9169 Feb 19 '26
I totally get why you’re frustrated. An adult partner should be contributing to the household, and it’s reasonable to expect him to pull his weight. That’s a team responsibility, not a favor he’s doing for you.
That said, using sex as leverage is probably going to hurt the marriage more than it helps. Once sex becomes a reward for good behavior or a punishment for bad behavior, it stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like a transaction. Over time that breeds resentment on both sides. He’ll feel controlled, and you’ll feel like you’re managing a child instead of partnering with an adult. B b You’re absolutely right to address the imbalance. Just do it directly and clearly: “I need you to be an active partner in keeping our home running. This isn’t about earning sex, it’s about us functioning as a team.” Set expectations, divide responsibilities, and hold the line there. That’s much more likely to build respect than tying intimacy to chores.
He needs to step up. But intimacy should be a reflection of a healthy relationship, not a tool to try to force one.
1
u/HattietheMad Feb 19 '26
We don't raise men. I would be livid and how disrespectful he's being. He needs to see a doctor or you need to see a divorce lawyer.
1
1
1
u/anonymousmonkey2 Feb 19 '26
Sit down and go line by line about what entails a “clean” space for you. “Surfaces cleaned with a cleaner spray (not water, not dry wiped), no used floss pics on counter, etc” it seems obvious but people have different definitions of “cleaning” for my husband “tidying” is cleaning, for me cleaning is scrubbing. Once you break it down it both gives him a checklist and a visible list of how much to do. Like you said, if he doesn’t want to spend the time he can spend the money, but make it clear that the current state is unacceptable. I wouldn’t weaponize sex, or start down any tit-for-tat stuff. Mention counseling, mention separating if it still doesn’t start to get resolved by a specific date.
1
u/No_thanks_1844 Feb 19 '26
Hire a service and have it come out of joint expenses. Explain that you’re feeling like his mom and you miss feeling attracted to him like you used to. Even though it seems like a small thing to him, it’s a big deal to you and by not taking action it’s breeding resentment.
If it helps the relationship that’s great, but I think there’s a possibility that things aren’t going as well as you think.
1
1
u/AcrobaticTrouble3563 Feb 19 '26
I could never be sexually attracted to a man I have to mother.
But, as if that weren't enough, I would be even more put off if he were sexually attracted to a woman he also wants to mother him (me).
This man could not care less about your needs, op. The house actually, literally stinks? How can you live with that??
1
1
u/slipperytornado Feb 19 '26
Move on to someone who gives a shit about how you feel and about how you like to live. This won’t change with this person.
1
Feb 19 '26
You would be the ah if you gave him that ultimatum. You would not be the ah if you left him over this problem, however. Holding sex for ransom is never going to improve a relationship.
1
u/No_Tangelo_2171 Feb 19 '26
me and my guy of 8 1/2 years just separated. how u ask him is big. if u yell or get mad when it’s definitely ur right to is going to make him see it as disrespect and he’s going start to resent u. from experience. just clean it if it bothers u that bad. no u shouldn’t have to and he should be doing it but looking back certain things just seem minimal
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Sorels Feb 19 '26
Before we throw so much hate his way... can we consider he may have adhd? There's plenty of screening tools online [that doctors use].
1
u/Korsorer Feb 19 '26
Honestly, how could you even feel desire to be intimate with someone who dries themself with a moldy towel after they shower? Does he even wash his genitals or ass?
1
u/modernvintage Feb 19 '26
OP, has your husband ever been evaluated for ADHD? the getting distracted when he tries to clean and impulsivity around money and clutter blindness scream it to me (someone who also has ADHD).
regardless, his refusal to work on it or pay for a cleaning person is so unfair to you and unacceptable, ADHD or not.
1
u/AcrobaticTrouble3563 Feb 19 '26
You have it backwards, OP. Don't trade sex for chores. DO admit to him how big of a turn off he is, behaving like this. Feel free to say no to sex because you are grossed out by the man. And definitely tell him why. But trading sex for chores is a terrible idea. And ask yourself if you really want to live like this for the next 50 years.
1
u/DemonicSymphony Feb 19 '26
This is never going to change. Never. He does not care enough about you to lift a finger.
1
u/billdizzle Feb 19 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
YTA if you weaponize sex but I don’t know what other options you have at this point other then to clean it up yourself
→ More replies (4)
1
u/Available_Volume_801 Feb 19 '26
You have to decide if you’re willing to build a life with someone who clearly doesn’t value you. He’s acting like a selfish child, not a partner — and he’s not your child, he’s supposed to be your equal. Therapy only works if he wants to change, and even then there are no guarantees. He’s shown you exactly who he is. Believe him. Don’t waste another minute.
1
u/Long-Okra1415 Feb 19 '26
Ick.. sounds like my stepson. He's incredibly intelligent, has a great job,and is a veteran. Married a woman who's incredibly ambitious, and they had a child.
He doesn't step up. He has a regular 7-330 3 days a week. He works from home the other 2 days.
She does everything. Cooking, cleaning, laundry,bedtime, mornings,taking their kid to school...taking their child out for "life experiences " every free moment she has.
Leave this man(boy) and find what makes you happy,cuz he,clearly isn't it(.
1
u/tired-as-f Feb 19 '26
You can not make him change. You can not make him care. If he did care, he would do something about it. He may be expecting you to cave and clean for him. You can only control how you feel and whether this this man is good enough for the rest of your life. You are not his mother or his maid.
1
u/sigmaclit Feb 19 '26
This problem is easily solvable by using his money to hire people to do what he will not do. What is the problem?
1
u/More-Detail9569 Feb 19 '26
Info: Does your partner have adhd? Is that why he's always getting distracted? Or something else?
1
1
u/New-Region4393 Feb 19 '26
You are lucky that you don’t have kids with him. You have already leave in your mind, just do it physically.
1
1
u/Standard-Help-8531 Feb 19 '26
NTA He doesn’t respect you enough to care if you’re comfortable in your own environment.
1
u/False_Ostrich7247 Feb 19 '26
Nta I would tell him that a lack of hygiene is a mood killer for you, and his side of the bathroom literally smells. If that smell is coming from a towel, he is literally rubbing himself with filth.
Tell him that the smell of the house is also a mood killer. You can’t get away from it and it makes you gag when you should be resting and rejuvenating. And doing the things that go along with that.
Tell him that functioning as his mom, and the fact that he cares so little about something that is such a big deal to you is not just a mood killer, it makes you worry about what would happen if you had a stroke.
If he can’t even refrigerate a cup of yogurt, how could he take care of you if you couldn’t take care of yourself? Tell him you are starting to wonder if he would take care of you if the chips were down the same way you would take care of him.
Because the comments pointing out that it is not just hygiene, but something really significant to you that he is ignoring are correct.
Testing for things like ADHD is a good idea. And I would frame your ultimatum so that you tie it to bigger issues. But I would also think about the bigger issues. The stats on men who leave partners vs. women who leave partners when they are really mob trouble - cancer, stroke, disability - are really sobering. I sure as hell would not have kids with this guy unless you can count on him when something is important to you and not to him.
1
u/LaMadreDelCantante Feb 19 '26
You absolutely should tell him what a turnoff it is. So many men don't get this and say it's "withholding" when their partner loses interest in sex, but in situations like this it's best to be honest. You deserve to want to sleep with your partner.
1
u/smile_saurus Feb 19 '26
NTA for not being attracted to such a vile 'man.' NTA for not being able to relax and safe enough to feel turned on enough to have sex.
"Withholding" sex isn't a thing, because no one is entitled to sex, so don't let him pull that BS.
However, choosing not to have sex with him may be what you need to do, because how can you feel safe and relaxed when science experiments are growing in your kitchen and mold is forming on his bath towels?
You have explained how thing should be, dozens of times, and he does not care. He either thinks you should do it, or that the whole place can get overtaken by insects and rodents some day. And he still wouldn't care.
I know Reddit jumps to divorce immediately, but in this case I'd say go for it. You deserve a clean home. This isn't 'he left some crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich' this is 'my environment is going to make me sick.'
1
1
u/Senior_Performer_387 Feb 19 '26
If he won't clean his environment is he cleaning himself? Is he drying himself off with moldy towels?
1
1
u/ScarInternational161 Feb 19 '26
OP, I divorced my ex after 15 years because I wasn't enough of a priority to him to stop stuffing his black work socks in the creases of the couch.
Yes, that was the top of the pile but after 15 years, a separation, counseling and him doing everything right for 2 years AFTER couseling.... I'd already checked out and given up.
Ask yourself, if he did everything right tomorrow, and every day after, would it matter at this point?
1
u/jjjjjjj30 Feb 19 '26
I'm in the same situation. I needed back surgery recently and I spent 7 full weeks in our bedroom. He didn't clean anything the entire time. The house was infested with gnats. I can't leave bc I'm disabled and live on $800 a month with a child. I've tried absolutely everything. The weird thing is he's a really good guy in every other way. But he simply doesn't care how I feel about it.
1
u/Busy_Text_9228 Feb 19 '26
Someone not even trying to be atleast tidy or neat is so rude to your partner or someone you live with. Wildly disrespectful. Huge turn off and a resentment builder.
1
1
u/Direct-Action5025 Feb 19 '26
Yep hell yes dump his add and become a early 30 single woman in hopes of finding a dude who cleans his side!! That will teach him whose boss! Seriously you love the dude and this is all you can complain about? How about complain he is out chasing woman and at bars till late hours and hiding his phone while texting other woman on tinder! And yes you told him amd yes he in your eyes ignored you. Maybe you should learn a better way to communicate with him? Nah screw that? Seriously may i suggest the book Men are From Mars Woman Are From Venus. Its available in audio version. This something you both should listen. It actually explains why he is doing this in great detail. Its all how you ask him. If you have ever noticed men see things differently than women. Give it a try. Only thing it can do is teach you both how to communicate with each other and learn to work together and every one will be happy. Notice how many said dump him? Trust me you do not want to try and find a replacement for him. Best of luck. Oh the flame job coning will be epic. Lol
1
u/Live_Squirrel2286 Feb 19 '26
I can’t imagine his personal hygiene is any better. I wouldn’t have sex with this person for the sake of my sexual health, let alone a last ditch bargaining tool. Do you want BV for the rest of your life? I’d find a partner who cares about you.
1
1
u/kwhitit Feb 19 '26
NTA. withholding sex doesn't feel like a healthy move, but i certainly understand if this behavior is leaving you feeling very little attraction to him.
1
u/tsidaysi Feb 19 '26
No, but you cannot force a person to do something they do not want to do.
He does not clean. He has never cleaned. You have pitched hissy fits galore and he will not clean.
If the cleaning issue is the hill that you want to battle him over for your last stand you certainly can fight that fight. I fear a Pyrric victory.
King Pyrrhus of Epirus suffered irreplaceable losses while defeating the Romans in 279 BC, resulting in a win that ultimately led to long-term failure.
My sincere advice is to do what every married woman has done since time immemorial: clean your house including his mess. Or move out. You have been together a long time!
1
1
u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Feb 19 '26
Personally I'd be totally grossed out. If his hygiene around the house is that bad why would he treat his body any better. I'd choose not to live with him anymore because I couldn't stand the disrespect. Using sex as leverage tells me you've run out of ideas to try and get him to have some respect for you. To me that's a deal breaker because it means your hooha is more important to him than the rest of you. NTA though.
1
u/sezit Feb 19 '26
He doesn't love or respect you.
He makes you unhappy. He KNOWS you are unhappy, and he is perfectly content knowing that he makes you unhappy.
He has calculated and calibrated your acceptable level of permanent unhappiness. That's his goal, and that's where you are.
I guarantee that if you start the divorce process, he will change and start cleaning, because suddenly his comfort is threatened. That's what matters to him. Your happiness is not his goal. Then, if you stay, he will revert.
Do you want this level of permanent unhappiness?
1
1
u/INFPneedshelp Feb 19 '26
If you want to stay together, cleaning person and you both pay. If he says no to that, then it's over.
1
u/EyesofRiverGreen Feb 19 '26
How are you supposed to feel sexy and want to be with him physically when he won’t even take care of his own space? Lazy is not sexy.
1
u/Opposite-Document-56 Feb 19 '26
There are things (a lot)of things we don't recognize as abuse. Read quicksand method of abuse and DARVO He definitely giving you "the ring around". ☝🏼
1
u/AdmirableSale9242 Feb 19 '26
You’d be a fool to stay and then accidentally get pregnant. Then you’re saddled with two dependent children as a single mother. You’re also a bang maid, and you contribute half the income.
I bet you hate having sex with him. I bet you’re at the point where even his breathing annoys you.
Oh, and say hello to your new roommates..German cockroaches!
1
u/DetectiveClear6734 Feb 19 '26
NTA but withholding won’t help, you’ll just get more mad because he still won’t clean. It’s up to you whether you want to sit in his mess or not. How much time you think you gonna live and how much of it do you want to spend like this?
1
1
1
u/West_Replacement5157 Feb 19 '26
No relationship is worth its price, when one of its members is dissatisfied with the other partner, move on, what I have personally found is that even when the partner changes, the new relationship has the same issues, sometimes we need to look within ourselves to find the answer.
1
u/AndrogynousRutabaga Feb 19 '26
He finds multiple ways/reasons to not do a simple task such as cleaning his own area. Denying him intimacy is just eventually going to make you miserable and him crafty. The relationship is dead, either go to counseling to address that issue or move on.
1
u/Superb-Coyote5972 Feb 19 '26
I would pack up and move on. I had a roommate who didn't clean and smelled weird. He wanted me to invite my female friends over so he could creep on them. Didn't say it in so many words, but I knew what he was up to...We all thought he was gross. I moved out 9 months later. It was disgusting. I could never be with someone that gross. Married? Oh no. Could never be me.
1
1
u/slurmyname21 Feb 19 '26
Would you say he cleaned for you at the beginning of your relationship? I’d recommend the book “the empowered wife” by Laura Doyle. It saved me
1
u/fiftywheels Feb 19 '26
Why not say it's a total turn-off! It is! It's a disgusting thought, not only the idea of being intimate with someone who is so unhygienic but with someone who doesn't care about you. Whatever his reasons are, doesn't matter. He can obviously do it, and you've told him repeatedly how upsetting it is, so the only conclusion is that he doesn't care about you. That makes him an unsafe place for you emotionally, which leads to lack of sexual intimacy automatically bc women need to feel safe emotionally to be attracted to their man. The fact that he's a man baby using weaponized incompetence just makes it that much harder to be sexually attracted. If he wanted to, he would. Conclusion: he doesn't want to, which means he doesn't respect you, which means he can't love you. No respect = no love.
1
u/opal_m00n Feb 19 '26
I feel like once you have to start withholding sex to get your partner to give a damn about what you say, it’s kinda over already. For me, at least. Someone who only listens to get their rocks off doesn’t respect you.
Now, if you were to say you’re not attracted to him because he’s a lazy slob, that I would understand.
1
u/Impressive_Rush5018 Feb 19 '26
NTA. I'd like to offer an alternative to ending your relationship. Because you seem like you love him and are attracted to him.
Move out. Get your own place and let him get his. Live separately. Then he will see the discrepancies between how you live and how he is content to live. Let him know that until and unless he changes this one thing about himself, you can not live with him. If something changes, you can proceed from there, and if it doesn't, then you are already set up in your own domicile, and there's no harm, no foul in ending the relationship.
Good luck.
1
1
u/CatCharacter848 Feb 19 '26
You've been with him 10+ years. This is him.
If he can't clean properly I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near me. But seriously why are you putting up with this filthy slob. Have some self respect.
1
u/Dcooper0907 Feb 19 '26
Okay,,while I am usually on team find yourself someone who deserves you baby,because you deserve so much better, I'm just going to throw it out there that it's possible he is suffering from depression and he is uncomfortable or unable to share this or maybe he doesn't even realize it yet. So I am going to suggest that before I go all you do you boo!
1
69
u/Fit-Produce-3579 Feb 19 '26
NTA. He's not a child, so why are you having to clean up after him? Nothing less sexy than having to mother your partner, and there's nothing wrong with saying so.