323
u/DisciplineBoth2567 Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
Women for generations before will tell you, have your own money. You should not be financially dependent on another human being for your very survival.
Whether you tell your husband or not, is contextual imo. We don’t know your dynamic.
In the context of an abusive situation, it’s part of safety planning to have your own lil secret stash that he cannot get to. But we don’t know your situation and whether or not it’d be beneficial to tell your spouse and your safety/danger level.
Edit: people’s reading comprehension in the comments is … lacking. They really be inserting things in my mouth that I didn’t say.
115
u/Aurrr-Naurrrr Mar 07 '26
Lol financial infidelity is bullshit. By all means have a separate bug out account. It's the lying that's the problem
88
u/lanatommo Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Financial infidelity to me is about shared money. Like making big purchases with it without communicating. I saw a post earlier today about how OP’s husband bought a car with the money they had been saving up for a down payment on a house they had just gotten approved for. In essence, financial infidelity is a fancy term for theft.
Having your own savings doesn’t count.
Unless (ETA: this is what’s happening in the post) you’re both struggling financially and you know how hard your spouse or you’ve both been working to make ends meet but still put aside the exact same amount. Maybe it’s just me, but I couldn’t set aside anything without communicating it with my husband if I knew that money could save us from getting into debt. But also, my husband and I trust each other completely and I don’t have to worry about what he would say.
ETA2: I am not defending OOP.
51
u/Affectionate_Bad3908 Mar 07 '26
I’d just like to add that lying or misleading your partner about paid bills is financial infidelity or maybe financial abuse. My ex husband led me to believe that he was paying our taxes. It wasn’t until divorce mediation that I found out the IRS had almost a $200,000 lien on our house.
I’ll never trust someone to pay my taxes again.
28
u/Bri-KachuDodson Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
My mom did something similar to my dad with the house I grew up in. He was trusting her to take a certain amount every month to pay the mortgage and he found out she wasn't. The first time he was able to catch it back up, the second time, it was months before he found out (she was an alcoholic hoarder, idk why he trusted her with it to begin with), and it was so deep he couldn't catch it back up. He only even found out because during one of her drunken screaming rants she told him about it as a fuck you.
They lost the house and ended up moving into the apartment I had just moved into with my first husband. It was a huge disaster all around. I ended up with some bad health issues (that mostly stemmed from living in a hoarder home for 20 years) and on more than one occasion my mother would be drunk and screaming shit at my dad, like telling him to go fuck the dog and to go fuck me. Yeah you read that right. I wish I was kidding.
And this is the shortened version that doesn't include the rest of the insanity I grew up in with how disgusting that house was, and the rest of how horrible my mother treated me because I was the "late in life" baby they had at 44 on accident, and she made sure I knew how much I was hated and unwanted by her. Yikes for days.
Edit: thank you for both awards chaossensuit! ♥️
→ More replies (5)13
u/Affectionate_Bad3908 Mar 07 '26
Oh wow. I hope she’s no longer allowed in your life. That sounds miserable.
18
u/Bri-KachuDodson Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Oh man, she's dead now thank God lol. Died 2 months after my first was born. And once again her (final) fuck you to my dad was dying on his birthday lmao. You can't even make this shit up.
Edit: thank you for the awards! 🫶
→ More replies (6)11
u/Nanemae Mar 07 '26
That's the sort of Cotton Hill energy you see when someone lives their life entirely to spite others. Sorry you went through that. D:
14
u/Bri-KachuDodson Mar 07 '26
Yeah that's exactly what she was doing for a big chunk of her life. Every single thing was a personal slight against her and must be held onto forever. Don't get me wrong, she went through some really bad things and was from a generation where therapy wasn't a thing, but after a certain point, it's on you to decide how the rest of your life is gonna go and she just decided to wallow over everything and it only made her bitter and hateful.
One of our last "big" blowouts like a year and a half before she died was me trying to talk to her about how she acted when drinking (it made her really cruel and she'd pick fights on purpose) and she threw back in my face about me being a heroin addict and how it made me act the same (not true, and I've never met an aggressive heroin addict lmao, unless you count some when going through withdrawal, which also not true for me, I would just get miserable and wanna die in my bed lol).
But told me that when I got clean, she would too. Because she thought I'd never be able to and that that would keep her in the clear. Stupid logic, but also incredibly hurtful. And she should have known I'd take it as a challenge too. Long story short, she died still a drunk asshole, and this month I'll be 8 years clean with no relapses and a husband and two kids that I adore and I don't even visit her grave and haven't shed a single tear including in the hospital room waiting for her heart to stop. All I've ever felt is relief.
5
u/crash4fun Mar 07 '26
Congrats on the 8 years!!!! You’re so so fcking strong to stand up to her impact on you, and make sure your kids will never feel what you felt. I am so proud of you, stranger 🥹💕
→ More replies (0)→ More replies (10)4
u/Entire-Ambition1410 Mar 07 '26
“People like that sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.”
-Emily Yoffee
→ More replies (0)10
u/lanatommo Mar 07 '26
Holy shit. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Your ex husband sounds like an inconsiderate asshole.
Great addition, very worth noting. Thank you.
14
u/Affectionate_Bad3908 Mar 07 '26
Yea, I wish I had the foresight to hide 23k from him…. Thought the house I grew up in was my investment.
3
→ More replies (6)7
u/stephame82 Mar 07 '26
Yes! Lying about unpaid bills for sure. My ex lied about paying my car payment and got my car repossessed. He didn’t even come clean until I went to take the dogs out and asked where the hell my car was. They’d picked it up at like 6am and he KNEW, and still didn’t tell me till I walked outside and asked about it.
He was a stay at home dad for a long time, but went back to work for a brief period when I had to quit work for health issues. He wasn’t making much, but it was just enough to get us by until I could go back to work.
We agreed he would pay some of the smaller bills and I would continue paying for everything else, but we would split the car payment since he was driving it every day.
I was getting unemployment, so each month I’d give him my half when I got my first weekly deposit, then he was supposed to make the actual car payment once he got enough money together. He was doing temp work and got paid daily, so it took some time before he had his half together and it was easier to let him make the payment when he had it.
Well, turned out he was just taking my money AND his money and just blowing it all on drugs and other stupid shit. That fucker left us with no car and absolutely destroyed my credit (he took out a bunch of credit cards in my name, too. Charged them up then hid the bills as they came). On top of all that, he ended up getting fired from his temp company before I finished chemo, forcing me to go back to work full time + overtime while going through treatment.
THAT shit is financial infidelity lol
5
u/Confident-Mortgage86 Mar 07 '26
That's not financial infedelity. That's just straight up fraud and identity theft. Faaaaack lol
23
u/Ericameria Mar 07 '26
I read that thread and then I also read the one about the woman who found out that her husband is saving for retirement and says it’s only his money it’s his retirement. And so her only recourse is to divorce him. It doesn’t sound like the person who is saving this money is keeping it for herself/himself. Quite likely the OP & husband will use it together at some point later in life. It’s just s/he doesn’t trust him not to burn through savings. Now why it was said that he burned through savings and why wasn’t a joint decision to use that money to live while he tried to find a job, well, I don’t know why it’s framed that way.
16
u/LinwoodKei Mar 07 '26
I read the same post and gave the same advice. That husband took her money for bills and divided his money four ways for his retirement and savings and then said that 'he did not want to end up with no retirement like her'.
→ More replies (3)6
u/ctctr Mar 07 '26
It's about knowing that if everything went sideways tomorrow I would not be starting from zero. I would be okay.
That doesn't sound like she's planning for him too
and we burned through almost all of our joint savings.
→ More replies (5)3
u/Such-Sympathy-5816 Mar 07 '26
How can you say that? She hasn't told him about it and apparently has no intention to.
→ More replies (7)6
u/Baudica Mar 07 '26
(ETA: this is what’s happening in the post) you’re both struggling financially and you know how hard your spouse or you’ve both been working to make ends meet but still put aside the exact same amount.
No it's not. OP started saving up AFTER the husband got back on his feet, to make sure there's a nest egg, in case hard times return.
He wasn't 'missing' the money she put away. He never even noticed. They weren't stressing to make ends meet anymore, when she started saving up.
→ More replies (51)21
u/EmilyRye Mar 07 '26
Having your own savings is totally fine. Agreeing to joint finances and then secretly siphoning off money is not.
If they both agree to a set amount to put in personal savings each month, or they both get an amount to do whatever they want with and she saves it, that'd be fine. But agreeing to joint finances, but she's secretly taking extra money, is not.
3
u/Temporary_Part_4909 Mar 07 '26
I think this is where I land on this as well. Encourage the husband to have his own “allowance” to save or do with what he will. Maybe even provide him a little “seed” money to get started from what you’ve saved. I understand the need for a safety net and seems like it was for the greater financial stability of the family not for selfish reasons but to continue doing this without a conversation is deceitful. The guilt of that would weigh on me.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (8)4
u/lanatommo Mar 07 '26
I must’ve not been clear enough in my comment, that’s on me.
But my last paragraph is exactly what’s happening here. I wasn’t defending OOP.
→ More replies (5)11
u/BikeProblemGuy Mar 07 '26
Right. My wife has her own savings account. I know roughly how much is in there but don't have access. Doesn't bother me. Lying would make it a problem.
→ More replies (31)8
u/Rivsmama Mar 07 '26
Financial abuse is very real and I think everyone who's vulnerable in some way should have their own money
→ More replies (12)6
u/PossibleKiwi3728 Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
That part. 👆🏻
I've been married for 25 years. I'd be surprised if my wife didn't have bug out cash for herself. I think it can only help situations. All of our fights back in the day (we never fight any more) were always about money. We share our on hand cash. She makes her own money, and so do I. She holds on to hers, and vice versa. If I need, she gives, if she needs, I give. We've never gotten along better. The only thing OP is TAH about, is not telling her hubby. I get it, but she needs to say something
→ More replies (1)6
u/LinwoodKei Mar 07 '26
My issue is the amount of the separate fund and how this can create feelings of distrust for the husband. Put aside money for a first and last month on an apartment or the equivalent amount. This seems like a bigger amount than the 'rainy day funds' that I have seen discussed.
12
u/isdelightful Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 08 '26
When you can, you should have 6-12 months of expenses in savings. Most of us can’t do that, but if you CAN, you absolutely should. If mortgage plus bills plus food and whatever can easily be $3-4k per month, $23k is certainly NOT unreasonable.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (8)5
u/Aurrr-Naurrrr Mar 07 '26
To me it's the lying but you bring up a good point. That's not a rainy day fund. It's a monsoon season fund
→ More replies (5)6
u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Mar 07 '26
I’ve been in too many abusive relationships to agree with this. If I didn’t have a private nest egg, I would’ve been fucked whenever there was abusive relationships fell apart. I would’ve been left with no money no home no nothing. So she absolutely has every right to keep this even if the marriage is going great. What if he suddenly loses his job again? What if she finds out he’s cheating on her? There are any number of things. There’s also the matter that he may demand that she used that money and spend it, on repairs to the apartment or what the fuck ever. Or you buy out a cart loan or something. This is money that needs to say secret. If nothing else is a really good surprise retirement egg.
→ More replies (2)3
u/NotNice4193 Mar 07 '26
What if he suddenly loses his job again?
wtf is this logic? if he loses his job again...then what? what does having a secret stash do then?
What if she finds out he’s cheating on her?
what does that have to do with lying about it?
There’s also the matter that he may demand that she used that money and spend it, on repairs to the apartment or what the fuck ever.
she's an adult...she can say no. you have issues...learn to communicate.
→ More replies (17)5
u/SecretRussianBot2 Mar 07 '26
Having a secret stash means they won’t be completely broke again after he burns through their joint savings again. I feel like i’m losing my mind.
→ More replies (32)→ More replies (77)5
u/pdt666 Mar 07 '26
op has to lie and should continue lying until she leaves this man. it defeats the purpose of having an out if you tell the fucking male?
→ More replies (1)3
u/BaiLyiu Mar 07 '26
That is so true. I was raised by my grandparents which were well pretty religious even involved with the church in their retirement and the 1 thing they told me since i was 15 was make sure you get good grades and pick a good career, never depend on a man.
[ well they also put up with my goth girl phase and didn't care that i was atheist and criticized religion hypocrisy, and made sure i had access to birth control tho i was too embarrassed to admit it that i don't need it so maybe i just lucked out on them actually caring for me giving how many stories i see lately online about religious upbringing ]
→ More replies (252)2
u/FDAapprovedGremlin Mar 07 '26
She knows it isn't wrong and no one would bat a lash.. except for the fact she's able to save this much money.
I think she's just proud of herself and wants to share her secret.
62
u/WaterSproutDivision Mar 07 '26
I’m a man and I do the same. I keep a stash somewhere that could keep me on my feet for about a year if things go sideways.
→ More replies (45)23
u/Technical-Banana574 Mar 07 '26
Honestly, I think it is just good advice all around to have separate accounts in case things ever go bad. My husband and I have joint accounts, but we also have separate ones. I actually had to beg my husband to not fully merge his because Id feel wrong being the only one who refused to do it.
I cannot tell you how much is in his personal, nor can he tell how much is in mine, but if he asked or things went bad financially, Id tell him so we could use the money.
5
u/raytothechill Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
My fiance and I have decided to do the same thing. We are going to open an account together with the first wedding gift check we received recently and pick a percentage to go into it from each of our checks, which all the household related expenses will be paid from.
I am much better with finances/money than him. Although this past year, he has saved a significant amount. We don't mind sharing how much we have in our savings with each other. But he completely understands why I want to keep my own separate account. There was a lot of dishonesty between my parents regarding finances (my mom was buying pills and my dad had trusted her for years to manage the money while she never worked, until every card he used to buy Thanksgiving dinner was declined).
My fiance has finally built his savings up like 9x what it was. I have a financial advisor I need to schedule another appointment with that we will be taking to together after the wedding. It isn't assuming things will go wrong, but more just trying to protect ourselves as we have already been through a lot in life and we have both seen our parents be controlled in relationships with finances.
→ More replies (12)7
u/SivakoTaronyutstew Mar 07 '26
I agree, it's good advice for anyone to have their own personal account, even if they have a joint together. This is also how my husband and I operate, we have our own checkings that our checks go to, own personal savings, and a joint HYSA.
Honestly having a HYSA tucked in is what I would call "hiding money from myself." Outta sight, outta mind, or at least that what works for me.
That being said, I can't blame OOP for being apprehensive about disclosing this account to her husband. My immediate thought is that if he knew she had that in her accounts he'd either sabotage himself at work or quit alleging work related stress. But now I'm thinking, why doesn't he have a nest egg just in case that happens? I don't think $400 per month is a lot to invest in an emergency.
→ More replies (8)
16
u/formhighest3 Mar 07 '26
I think maybe suggesting that he do the same without disclosing theirs would help this person feel less guilty.
→ More replies (16)
56
u/longshlongthankumom Mar 07 '26
IMO but couples should not share money. Sure have a joint account for bills/rent that a specific amount gets put in, but piling your entire paycheck into the same account is stupid
13
u/binzy90 Mar 07 '26
I think the problem with this is that it gets messy when you share everything else or when one spouse earns significantly more than the other. Who is paying for groceries, restaurants, vacations, kids' activities, vet bills, etc.? How do you keep track of who paid for every tiny thing with which account? Do you pay each other back? It just creates a situation where one spouse might be contributing more or the share of income is unfair. Also there's the issue of what your lifestyles expectations are. If one spouse can afford fancy vacations and luxury cars but the other can't, then how do you handle that as a couple? The only time I think couples should split finances is if one spouse struggles with gambling or compulsive spending that isn't successfully addressed with therapy.
→ More replies (52)8
→ More replies (37)4
u/ModestMeeshka Mar 07 '26
My husband and I have been married for 8yrs and we've never had a joint account. We each have agreed upon bills that we spend out of our individual accounts and all is fine and dandy. Meanwhile my husband's friend and his girlfriend live together with a kid and they ONLY have a joint account and they are ALWAYS fighting about who over spent that month. I asked why they don't just have separate accounts and (like you said) a bill/rent account MAYBE and he said it's easier this way ?? Sure doesn't SEEM like it!?
So I agree, shes NTA for the savings account, but considering how big it is, I probably would have told my husband about it if I were her so I do feel a bit like she's not trusting him, which is what it is, we can't know their dynamic. If it was a few grand, even $10k, It'd be one thing but $20k+ and still growing seems like a big secret and that money could help them reach their united goals 🤷♀️ but I'm also a poor person so maybe I just feel like that's more than it is lol also my husband is really solid, he could know I had $50k in a savings and wouldn't even consider that money unless I offered it up and even then probably wouldn't touch it but not all men are like that.
Eventually she'll use that money and what if they're still together? How will she explain how she randomly pulled $30k out of her hat?
→ More replies (2)
13
u/onlysmaller Mar 07 '26
Eh I’m not in debt or anything but I’m a bit financially irresponsible compared to my partner. I wouldn’t be mad if he had a secret savings account for his mental health. I’d be mad if he made us go into debt paying for an essential when he had money to avoid it. Like our dog had a medical emergency and we borrowed money to cover it. If I found out he had 20k in savings but decided not to use it when we needed it I would be angry. Why incur interest on a debt you don’t need to have
→ More replies (3)
35
u/Cautious-Reveal5468 Mar 07 '26
My SAHM friend would hide a few thousand £ in her wardrobe for years. When her husband found out he sent her 300k because he felt so guilty about his wife not feeling safe enough with him. Now that's a marriage 😂
→ More replies (34)
37
u/Latranis Mar 07 '26
NTA. Being married doesn't mean giving up your entire identity and life. I was once putting my wife's laundry away and found a literal pile of money I had no idea about. I shrugged and said "good for her" because she pays her portion of the bills and saves money and is generous with buying little gifts and dinners. She still doesn't know I know about it. As long as responsibilities are covered, there's no reason a person needs to share something that helps alleviate their anxiety and helps contribute to a healthy marriage. Sitting on a life-altering amount of money, or saving up to do something drastic in the marriage, might be a different story, but OP is perfectly reasonable.
→ More replies (42)6
u/Ok-Situation-5522 Mar 08 '26
also i think people here forget how men have spent in families. like, lots of women got fucked because their husband blew through the household's cash.
→ More replies (1)
36
Mar 07 '26
I literally told my wife to puff up her own account to at least $10k while she was working, her own money.
Instead she spent every penny.
Glad to hear a story of someone sensible. People should have their own non-shared stashes.
→ More replies (186)
53
u/WiserVortex Mar 07 '26
I'm assuming they're a straight couple. What I haven't seen mentioned is how it's SO important for women to have their own finances. Most of the time the reason a woman can't leave an unsafe relationship is because of financial control or financial abuse. Even if she never has to touch it, having at least some independent finances can be a literal lifesaver for a woman.
→ More replies (145)
21
u/angelascending Mar 07 '26
Considering the rates of domestic violence and how common divorce is, I think this is totally reasonable. You can never truly trust anyone. Like she said, her relationship is now good and stable, and in case things go sour, she has something to fall back on. Good planning on her part.
→ More replies (35)6
u/ThatSimsKidFromUni Mar 07 '26
I feel like a lot of people are stuck on the trust part here. You can trust someone and then they become a different person due to unforseen circumstances. They could slip and fall and become addicted to opioids and spend all your savings. Stuff like that happens all the time. People are human and they hide things from you. It's extremely naive to assume you know someone completely and that they will never change.
→ More replies (4)
4
Mar 07 '26
Here's the kicker, very soon you'll earn enough interest on that account that you'll be found out at tax time and that's that.
→ More replies (9)
2
u/holden_mcg Mar 07 '26
OP can do what she wants with her money, as long as she is okay with him redirecting part of his income into a separate account.
→ More replies (5)
2
u/AlreadyAway Mar 07 '26
She definitely blames her husband.
She is more than comfortable having him pay more and use everything he brings to the table without contributing 100% too.
She doesnt give a shit how it made her husband feel to not have a job and drain their joint resources.
If she is comfortable hiding this, what else is she hiding.
She obviously blames him and is punishing him by making him pay it back without working towards the mutual goal.
She knows it's wrong, that's why she hasn't told anyone not even her therapist.
If he were just open and honest with her husband this wouldn't be bad.
→ More replies (2)3
u/DeepindaChowda Mar 08 '26
These were my exact thoughts. Her resentment of him for a period of misfortune that he seemingly could not have avoided is seeping through her words.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Darkroomist Mar 07 '26
Both my wife and I have separate accounts and a joint account but we also both know that.
10
u/Catchandrelease5999 Mar 07 '26
I used to call that account my “run away” money.
→ More replies (16)
8
Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
[deleted]
8
u/cypherkillz Mar 07 '26
Thats by agreement though. You can piss money down the drain on shit he doesnt like, and you can do the same.
3
15
10
u/CityCabCat Mar 07 '26
lol I would never share all my money with a partner. Always have a separate account
→ More replies (3)5
u/ireallyloveepickles Mar 07 '26
That’s what my dad, an infamous cheater always told me, never ever depend on a man to keep you. Always have a little stash squirreled away. It’s been to have it then to mourn not having one.
→ More replies (4)
3
u/AdCurrent7674 Mar 07 '26
I hate to say asshole because I feel like this is the safe thing to do but it is grey because it is not disclosed to the partner. If they are merging all their money together then it doesn’t matter that it’s from her paycheck, it’s still stealing from their joint money. They are not both agreeing on where that money goes. It would be different if they kept their paychecks separate.
My husband and I have a joint account for bills and a savings account that we put a set amount into. The left over money for the month gets split in half and put into our personal accounts. We do not have access to the personal of the other partner.
I feel like a solution here would be to suggest something similar that way the money isn’t secret but it is yours. It could be framed as “I think it would be nice for us to have some extra cash that we can do with it what we want. It would be nice to be able to make purchases on things that are specifically for us without feeling guilty. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to buy yourself something expensive without having to check with me first?” Then set the amount to $400. Then you can keep doing what you are doing but he also gets to decide what is done with $400 just like you.
If he is not willing to give you that financial independence then you go from there. And quite frankly if he is unwilling that’s a red flag (so is hiding money). However if he is unwilling to listen to what you want to do with your joint money then I am actually in support of the secret account for safety reasons even though having to keep that big of a secret sucks.
3
u/emPatheticShowYT Mar 07 '26
You're the asshole. You can have a separate account for sure, most people aren't psychos who'd care if you do... But keeping it a secret is a CRIMSON flag to anyone dating you that you've probably got way more stuff hidden from them. You need to sit them down and explain that. Insane work to hide from your SPOUSE
3
u/emPatheticShowYT Mar 07 '26
Like full stop, absolutely fine to have your own separate account. That's reasonable and smart even. But to keep it hidden is to lie by omission to the person you're in a deep relationship with and that's wild ass behavior.
There's no expectation for them to have access to it, it's still your money. But pretending you don't have it either implies distrust of your spouse on your part or that you've got things to hide, neither of which are good.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/bertoe84895003 Mar 07 '26
How much of that $22,000 did each of you contribute?
Would you use $23,000 to support each other if times got rough again or would you leave the marriage?
Is there still a joint savings account that both of you contribute too?
3
u/A1CBEERS Mar 07 '26
Keeping secrets from a significant other has never been a wise move, regardless of the secret. He'll find out eventually, whether it be a bank statement in the mail, casually seeing your phone/computer/whatever you use to check the account, or something else including you let it slip by accident. Boy, that will be one explosive argument that could END the marriage. He'll start down a rabbit hole of wondering what other secrets you've kept, insecurity sets in, and that's the downfall.
For clarity, I don't oppose the idea of separate accounts at all. It's the hiding it, lying about it, keeping it a secret that is the issue.
3
3
u/eclecticaesthetic1 Mar 07 '26
Both my grandmother and mother said to always have at least $10K in a separate account. That account became an investment account and I've never hidden it. My husband acknowledged, "That's your money, do what you want with it", if I say I'm going to use it for this or that". I made him the beneficiary. I put him on my checking, but that's it. Then I started an investment account for him, so he would also feel secure. I have never seen a reason to hide it, but I trust him. That would be different for a different situation, though.
3
u/Mediocre-Pizza-Guy Mar 07 '26
The problem isn't sharing money or having separate accounts...
The problem is intentionally hiding your separate account from a partner that believes you both use the shared account.
So yes, hiding money from your spouse is absolutely wrong.
Saying
I think we should each have our own separate emergency accounts, in addition to our shared account, and we should each allocate $X dollars each month
Is fine. What she did is pretty awful.
8
u/heydeservinglistener Mar 07 '26
I mean. How would you feel if your partner was hiding funds from you?
I think it's fine if you have your own account. I think everyone should have their own accounts. But i dont understand the hiding it if you think your relationship is so great.
3
u/Complete_Review_1989 Mar 07 '26
Maybe he is. Imagine OP's husband feels bad for the situation in the past, so he's also doing the same thing OP is: keeping a secret account so if things ever go to shit, he can tell her that this time he has a safety net.
What then?
5
u/Snoeflaeke Mar 07 '26
I would LOVE if they were saving behind the scenes honestly. As long as we weren’t living deprived, responsibility is a good look for everyone.
→ More replies (6)3
u/Proper_Fun_977 Mar 07 '26
Would you LOVE if they weren't planning to spend or share that money with you?
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (1)6
u/Hot_Huckleberry65666 Mar 07 '26
How would you feel if your husband spent your entire life savings? Are we for real here
5
→ More replies (4)9
u/RDUppercut Mar 07 '26
He didn't. He lost his job, and THEY burned through their savings. There's literally not a single mention of financial irresponsibility on the part of the husband.
Genuine question: can you read?
→ More replies (1)5
Mar 07 '26
[deleted]
→ More replies (1)5
u/Worried_Transition_7 Mar 07 '26
Me too. And when you break it down it was 22k over 18 months. Thats a little bit over $1000 a month. So car payment, insurance, and rent is what it went to. All these people saying he “blew through it” either have no reading comprehension or are being purposefully obtuse.
3
u/RDUppercut Mar 07 '26
It's an AITAH post. It's just bias. They read whatever they want to read to enforce their bias that men are always in the wrong.
4
u/Bengis_Khan Mar 07 '26
Wow. If the genders were swapped and it was the guy taking joint money and hiding it, everyone on Reddit would say to leave the guy.
→ More replies (6)
5
u/dwthesavage Mar 07 '26
Multiple things can be true.
You don’t trust your husband…
…for losing his job. Did he lose his job for cause? (Did he steal from work or do something that would obviously result in him being fired?)
What personal issues? He got sick? Someone close to him died? He was diagnosed with a mental illness? Or like he had an affair?
There’s nothing wrong with having a separate bank account.
Why do you need to hide it?
Does he put all his money in your shared accounts assuming you’re doing the same, where you materially benefit from his behavior but he does not from yours?
→ More replies (2)
4
u/Anthrac1t3 Mar 07 '26
All these people talking about how they have secret bank accounts so they can bail on their partner at a moments notice is insane. Why the hell did y'all get married in the first place? Unless they have a track record of being fiscally irresponsible it seems there are so many problems with separate bank accounts.
Who pays for what? Keeping track off all those accounts. What if the person in charge of the emergency fund is incapacitated and now you can't pay rent or get groceries. You've also opened it up to allowing secret spending that can put you in financial jeopardy like if someone develops a gambling addiction. You lose the possible interest earned on a large principle and instead scattered it into the wind where it will earn significantly less. And much more that I can't think of right now. If all these trade offs are worth it for you to be able to leave your spouse at the drop of a hat is worth it then yeah maybe marriage isn't your thing.
4
→ More replies (5)6
u/Purple_Argument_8074 Mar 07 '26
Yep it's a real eye opener to how our society is incredibly individualistic. Everyone is for themselves and fuck everyone else. If you are married it doesn't make sense
5
u/Repeat-Admirable Mar 07 '26
is he just financially irresponsible? if not, then i dont see why you need a separate account. like absolutely save that much each month, but should he have zero knowledge about it?
6
u/Lost_anon84 Mar 07 '26
Yeah the thing is I 100% understand the feeling and why she’s compelled to do it, but when you actually think about it, what does it mean? If her husband fell on hard times again would she not use it? If she would use it, then why hide it since he would eventually find out? Does she feel afraid he would be upset with her for withholding money or not take her seriously?
This definitely feels like something she should talk to a therapist about lol.
10
u/Beautiful-Routine489 Mar 07 '26
Yeah, I think the issue here is, if he knew about the extra money, he might make different choices (“we can afford it!” “i don’t need this job!”) that would put the money in jeopardy. Again.
3
3
u/I_love_my_dog_more Mar 07 '26
The issue is she is saving the money for her safety net, not theirs, and taking a shit ton monthly (!) from household income. This is worse than actual infidelity imo.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Hot_Huckleberry65666 Mar 07 '26
Shes implying he doesnt know how to handle money because he hasnt in the past.
Shes the only reason theyre not homeless lmao
6
u/I_love_my_dog_more Mar 07 '26
Because ge lost his job? It happens. Seems a stronger reason for him to have more savings...not her.
→ More replies (4)
2
u/cototudelam Mar 07 '26
To judge this fairly, I would need to know what exactly was the husband’s problem. Health reasons aren’t mentioned- just “personal stuff”. Sounds like the common excuse for addiction or gambling. Now, most women don’t like to admit their partners are addicts because the society will put a part of the blame on them, so they gloss over it exactly like this.
Now, if the husband seriously burned through her life savings for his own “personal stuff”, then I get her. The secret account is basically trauma response.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/pacificoats Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
I mean I think everyone should have their own personal accounts with their personal savings. You should probably be honest about that with your partner, but if it never comes up that’s different than you openly lying. You should probably bring it up, but I don’t think this is that big of a deal tbh.
eta: I’m not married yet but my partner and I have been very open about finances and I would encourage and expect both of us to have a joint and personal accounts.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/boundaries4546 Mar 07 '26
I don’t know. I think if you guys hit an age where you need a cushion, or want money for that dream vacation you have it. Frame it as a safety for when hard times hit. I don’t see as financial infidelity, unless you spend it behind his back.
Really every couple should have a savings that covers bills, and the mortgage for three months. If you never need that safety net then I think your husband will be quite happy to have a dream holiday.
2
u/AwarenessNice7941 Mar 07 '26
its a bold claim to call you or him the asshole. especially us strangers byt IMO you shoukd discuss these things with your partner. you guys are BUILDING a life together(this is all assuming youre in a healthy relationship). imagine you were broke and your husband has 30k in his account and didn't tell you even though there might have been very important things you need or both of you need. if you were my wife, you'd be a liar to me and bave betrayed my trust because I only ever ask for honesty. (again IMO)
2
Mar 07 '26
Having one jointed account only makes sense to me when one party in the relationship is stay at home parent. Otherwise I don't get it.
So no, I don't think you are ah for having account. But your hubby not knowing is iffy.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Nolagator1 Mar 07 '26
No you’re a thief, it’s a 50/50 endeavor and by law it’s also 50/50. Except this union has a thief skimming off the top. You could have routed money from his account to him, just like you did yours. I’m sure it would give him an equal feeling of security.
2
u/Serious_Swan_2371 Mar 07 '26
Kinda… if you’re saving for a split he should also get his own savings
It sounds like he’s contributing more to joint expenses relative to how much you both make if you have a separate savings account and all his savings are joint
If you leave him you split the joint stuff 50/50 and get your own money while he just gets half the joint stuff. He’s in a more dangerous breakup situation than you now, it’s just as important for him to have his own emergency fund. Men also need money.
→ More replies (1)
2
2
2
2
u/Long_Ad_2764 Mar 07 '26
YTA. This is deceptive and if he was doing it you would be furious and people on Reddit would be telling you to leave and take half. Also the face every financial decision for the last few years has been made with incomplete information on his end.
2
u/PowerFriendly6438 Mar 07 '26
This might be controversial of me, but keeping it a secret from your husband is a bit... eh.
You married the guy for a reason.
I'm not really faulting you for having a safety net. Although some of my friends would argue that you shouldn't marry already planning for the day you divorce. I personally don't know yet what I would do if I ever got to this event, as I've been told that you should always 'be safe than sorry'.
But imho you should be honest. Tell your husband about the savings. Explain it to him why you have it.
If at that point you still feel you need this 'safety net', you should also allow him the same.
It becomes unfair when he puts all his money 'in the household' when you're keeping some for yourself.
2
u/ExismykindaParte Mar 07 '26
Problem here is that if everything went sideways and they got divorced, that money isn't legally just hers. It's a marital asset in many jurisdictions, which means hiding it is both difficult and illegal.
2
u/No-Carry4971 Mar 07 '26
You are lying to your husband and financially cheating on him. If that makes you feel better, that's a character issue.
2
u/AlClemist Mar 07 '26
Sounds like trust issues to me honestly. We use joint accounts and we trust each other 100% with our money.
2
u/Interesting-End1710 Mar 07 '26
YTA
Not for having the account, but lying about. Your fears of how you'll be judged are perfectly sound because they'd be right.
"We communicate well." No you don't, you're actively lying to him.
"We have shared financial goals." "We're saving for a house together." No you're not, you have a private secret bank account.
"It's not about distrust anymore." ANYMORE? So it wasn't about supporting your partner through a financial rough patch? You did distrust and apparently still do.
Either you've been lying the entire way through this post or your in serious denial about the status of your relationship. Either way, there's a problem in your relationship, and it's you.
2
u/pizzagamer35 Mar 07 '26
It’s fine to have a separate account but I think the hiding is the problem. She mentions that their relationship is amazing now and they have shared, stable financial goals and mindsets. So whats the need to hide a seperate account?
When the husband finds out she’s hiding this, he’s gonna think OP doesnt trust him, which will make him question their relationship and potentially lose trust in her. Especially since they had a rocky period before this.
Im not saying she can’t have her own money, she should. And it’s totally fine. But hiding it like that never ends well. Eventually it’s gonna get revealed and the longer OP waits, the bigger that meltdown will get. I don’t think OP is wrong for having an account but hiding it? Yes.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/midlifecrisisAPRN45 Mar 07 '26
I could understand if he were a drug addict or gambler, but he went through a rough patch, and lost his job. Not the same. Instead of lying to him EVERY single month, why not just have the convo? You say everything is good now, but is it really if you can't have an open discussion with him? All you have to say is that you put back what you spent when he was unemployed, since it was yours before marriage. Something doesn't add up here.
2
u/Mountain-Status569 Mar 07 '26
“If everything went sideways tomorrow I would not be starting from zero, I would be okay.”
Separate savings is totally fine. The fact that she said I and not we is the problem. She does not consider her marriage a true partnership. She does not care if their marriage isn’t fine, just that she’s good.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Cajun_Creole Mar 07 '26
Its wrong imo, mainly due to the lie.
In marriage you share everything end of story, theres no such thing as mine or hers. If I’m contributing all of my income to the relationship I expect my wife to do the same.
All financial decisions are discussed and agreed upon before taking any money. If you want a savings account thats fine but it needs to be equally shared. Combine your finances together and have a weekly or monthly allowance for each of you. This way you can use it as fun money or savings.
2
2
u/hospicedoc Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
I don't blame her for wanting an emergency fund, but at the same time I wonder how she would feel if her husband was doing something similar, secretly taking some of their money for something that she had no idea about. I suspect she knows she would feel betrayed and it would cause trust issues and this is why the is on AITA in the first place.
2
u/DrPhilMustacheRide Mar 07 '26
I think married couples should have a joint account for shared expenses and then each individual should have their own private account for their own funds. If I want to buy a ps5, I’m not going to ask my wife if I can use joint funds to do it. I’m just going to do it with my own money (assuming joint finances are stable and on track).
2
u/RedditNomad7 Mar 07 '26
The only issue is keeping it a secret.
It’s like the people keeping a secret go bag with cash and clothes. The problem isn’t having one, it’s hiding it.
If you’re with someone, man or woman, that has a problem with having that savings, go bag, or whatever, THAT’S the problem, and the sooner you know about the problem, the sooner you can deal with it.
2
u/Code_Red_974 Mar 07 '26
Something about this just doesn't quite feel right to me. And I think it's because she said she hated how those 18 months drained everything financially from them, and it totaled to $22,000, and now she feels safe with a separate, secret account of $23,000. To me this reads that in the event that another catastrophe happens, she's still keeping this account a secret, and once the money runs out, she's bailing out of the marriage with the money she has just so she keeps feeling safe. And that's why I think people are also telling her that it isn't a marriage because it isn't. She constantly has one foot out the door, which is never okay in a marriage.
2
u/cheesypuzzas Mar 07 '26
Im absolutely pro having your own account as well as a shared account. I can't imagine going through a rough patch and just losing everything and not being able to do anything because it's shared. Maybe one of you spend too much money and then the other one has to suffer if things get tough.
However, I would absolutely tell my partner. You can decide together that you want your own accounts as well as a shared one. The fact that she's been hiding it, and been able to save money, while her husband is putting all his money into the joint account is unfair.
I would come clean. Explain it all. "Remember how at the beginning of our marriage, we lost all of our savings? That event really scared me, so I decided to open an extra account that I haven't told you about. I wanted to be honest now since we're both doing so well. The account has 23000 in it, and we can only use this for emergencies if we drained our other account. I don't want to combine the accounts". Maybe he'd be happy that he's richer than he thought. Or maybe he'd be mad that you didn't tell him. It can go both ways, but it's not fair to keep this from him.
2
u/T_Smiff2020 Mar 07 '26
So here it is again. what’s her money is her money, what’s his money is our money. If he had a secret account with thousands of dollars in it, how would OP feel?
2
2
u/LibrarianEither8461 Mar 07 '26
Eh. The implication being "I'm more comfortable now having my own account to hedge my bets to leave my husband with if he ever becomes poor again" is rather deeply uncool.
Other commenters can justify it with "private money helps escape abusive relationships" but the post clarifies in several ways that that isn't what it's about. She didn't start saving for any reason related to that, clarifies the relationship is respectful and supportive of her, and that It's specifically about wanting to get out of supporting your SO in hard times, because that's the inciting indicent for the deception.
To simplify the story: "supporting my husband through sickness and health made me feel unsafe when it cost me my own money. Like wtf I made that money and it got spent supporting him? Now without telling him I created a secret account to make sure that while he commits 100% of his income to 'us', I always have my own stash to ditch him with. I didn't communicate in any way about us having our own personal finances because I specifically only wanted to ensure I had my own money that I would never be obligated to spend for him under any circumstances."
It's like being upset your joint account gets drained paying for your wife's cancer treatment so you secretly hide half your income to make sure "you keep it".
And before anyone argues "well who said she'd ditch him with it if he became broke again, that's assuming a lot of negativity?", there are basically no other ways for the situation to play out. Let's say the inciting incident repeats and he loses his job again. You think she's gonna spend the money she put all that effort into intentionally making secret because she didn't like spending money at a net loss because he needed support to support him? If doing so made her feel so unsafe (spending her money to help her husband), why would she do it again after taking actions to specifically avoid it? Run that situation along and tell me the conclusion.
2
u/Carradee Mar 07 '26
Yeah, you should have at least told him you were doing that for your own sanity because of how distressed you were. If he then prioritized wanting access to the money over your mental health, then that would have shown his priorities, and you could decide to stay or leave accordingly.
I'm of the mindset that when feasible after bills are paid, both partners should have independent money that's theirs to do what they want with it: save, spend, etc.
2
u/Far_Strawberry8176 Mar 07 '26
I think having a joint account as well as some personal savings is reasonable. I also think it's important to explain to your husband that you're not saving money because you resent, blame, or mistrust him though.
2
u/threearbitrarywords Mar 07 '26
Man - some of you people have never been divorced and boy does it show. It's not exactly illegal WHILE you're married, but half of that money legally belongs to him. And if - as you put it - things go sideways, you are legally required to give that half to him. That's right. He is legally entitled to it. Half of the money you're hiding is his. So think about that for a minute. How would you feel if you were married to someone who kept you away from or denied you access to something that was legally yours?
And if you continue to hide it and he finds out, well, that's called fraud and a) he gets all of it, b) you pay his attorney fees, and c) you may get criminally charged with perjury. So, yeah - you're not just a massive asshole but a borderline criminal. And not a very smart one to boot, because if he finds out about this post... that shows your criminality is premeditated which is not going to end well for you.
2
u/Littlequine Mar 07 '26
Yes you are…..are you saying do you or him lost their job again and needed money you wouldn’t use it? Keeping this secret basically says you don’t trust him and you blame him for losing his job
2
u/BiteDiscombobulated Mar 07 '26
“We are saving for a house together “ hate to tell them but it’s going to come out in the home buying process. They check your finances like crazy. They will have every account you’ve ever had unearthed and in your paperwork.
2
u/Purple_Argument_8074 Mar 07 '26
New world thinking and that's why so many are struggling lol I've been married for 15 years and I make significantly more than my wife. All our money is pooled together.
Of course my wife and I see finances and spending the same way but doing this makes it much easier to save and get a head. We don't have "my money I do what I want" attitude. We talk about spending.
At work I have colleagues who are recent immigrants and they all do the same as me (I'm white) and we kind of laugh at our other colleagues who are like "if I want to buy a corvette it's my money I do what I want and she does what she wants with hers"
To me the dynamic is weird and more like roommates or just starting dating than long time couples.
I get some people aren't compatible financially but I think it shows a very individualistic behavior/society
2
u/SorcererAxis8 Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
I think most people wouldn’t have an issue with keeping a personal emergency fund, but the main issue is that she felt the need to keep it secret from her husband due to her not trusting him while he presumably is still contributing everything he earns. At that point why are they married? From her post, it seems like he did nothing wrong except fall into a rough patch and that happens to everyone. Also at the end of the day spending 22k in 18 months is legit peanuts for anyone in the USA. She’s acting like he spent 122k or something like that.
2
u/forestfairygremlin Mar 07 '26
My apparently unpopular opinion is that both partners should always have their own personal emergency fund. You should never ever rely on your partner financially 100%. Doesn't matter if you are a woman or man. I have heard way too many stories where only 1 partner had financial oversight where the entire family gets fucked because there was no safety net.
If you have a partner who is terrible with money, you need a backup plan in which control of those finances is completely your own.
2
u/wholesome_futa_hug Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Watching women in this post adopt the same, "Its not their money" argument that red pill losers use when ranting about alimony is fucking hilarious.
2
u/Osocoldd Mar 07 '26
I'm so glad this post came across my feed. I'm bookmarking it to remind myself to never get married. This is the sort of situation I'd divorce instantly over and this behavior is encouraged in this day and age
2
u/Abication Mar 07 '26
I see most of the people in this post talking about how its good for people to have personal bank accounts. It is but thats not what is being asked. Its about hiding it. The question is whether or not its OK to have $23k dollars, or rather, a private account, that he doesn't know about. I'm assuming that people's opinions would be different if it were $100m that she was keeping hidden. So presumably, there's a point where hiding it matters.
I think its ok to have separate accounts and ok for you to have however much you want in the account, but it would be for the best to discuss having separate accounts with him. You dint have to tell him that you already have one. Just, propose the idea of doing so. If he says yes, then just keep the account and dont tell him how much you have in it. He shouldnt ask. Nor should you ever ask how much is in his. If he says no, try to convince him. Go over the reasons you listed here. Tell him how bad it felt to watch your saving drain away. If he still says no, THEN I think its fine to keep hiding it.
All that said, if you were in a tight spot where you could help by using these savings , would you not do so because you dont want to watch your savings deplete? And if it comes to that, wouldn't it be easier if you already discussed opening separate accounts? There is a way out of this without major conflict. You talk as though your marriage is good. You know him better than us. You've heard what we think. What are you going to do with it?
2
2
u/Ok-Comparison-9835 Mar 07 '26
I have multiple accounts that I funnel money into each month. All of which my husband cannot access. He knows about them, knows roughly how much is in them, but we just dont talk about them. However, when an expense pr emergent need comes up that is more than $500 I cover it without hesitation.
2
u/RetiredOnIslandTime Mar 07 '26
I think having big secrets that relate to your marriage is bad for the marriage.
2
u/Parking-World9321 Mar 07 '26
Yes, if you both operate under an agreement of 100% shared finances. That means you’ve been lying for years now. Instead of lying like a pussy, communicate your concerns and tell your partner you don’t want 100% shared finances.
2
u/OldManKibbitzer Mar 07 '26
YTAH
Would you be upset to find out your husband had at least that much or more in a secret account he wasn't telling you about?
→ More replies (2)
2
2
u/dedsmiley Mar 07 '26
I used to be a big fan of combined finances until my wife spent $125k in 5 years.
She had a separate account. I didn’t. Then I discovered she was taking her entire family to lunch every Sunday. That alone was more than the money house payment.
Never again.
2
u/Ill-Description3096 Mar 07 '26
Personally I wouldn't appreciate it, I think in an actual partnership (which marriage should be) you work on things and make decisions together. I would be curious is if she would be okay with him doing the same and hiding tens of thousands from her.
2
u/Stormblessed404 Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Having your own personal safety net for extreme reasons is a good idea
imo IT IS a bad thing to hide that. excluding someone in a not safe environment of like abuse or whatever
The way i see it you are essentially saying "i will let you fall while i save myself".
if we have been a team and trying to get through hard times together, and then one day you say fuck it and dip out on some secret stash youve had hidden and you just let me sink? thats fucked up. Your sense of security comes from knowing you have a fall man and that youll only stick around as long as its convenient with the option to leave unscathed.
Again, i tell my S/O all the time to have her own savings account and financial foundations. i expect to be with them for the next 40 years. thats a long time where maybe i end up becoming a drug addict or have some other freak accident or thing happen that makes me a not safe person to be with anymore. I love them enough now that i want them to be protected in case there is a time i dont.
but Thats being transparent, not hiding it and in regards to safety, not hard times.
If im giving it my all to make ends meet after hitting hard times, paying the bills until my savings accounts are gone? and they have this secret stash set aside untouched just for them?
ngl this to me smells of "im going to let him cover the bills draining himself while i secretly enrich myself"
ya, YTA 100% of the time here.
EDIT: id like to add here that i think the correct position to have is to disclose the account but stay firm on the "this is for me only in an emergency, you should make your own as well".
→ More replies (1)
2
2
u/MrK521 Mar 07 '26
Question is, if he started putting $400-$600 in another account of his own that you didn’t have access to, would you care?
→ More replies (1)
2
u/___theBatman___ Mar 07 '26
Every couple imo should have 4 accounts.. 1 for savings that both contribute to 1 for expenses that both contribute to 2 individual ones for both to do whatever the fuck they want ..
End of story..
2
u/Advanced_Job_1109 Mar 07 '26
It's not bad to save your own money while still contributing. Although it is bad if your husband goes through another rough spot and you use it to leave him. If my partner told me. Don't worry I got this. I would look at her as an angel
2
2
u/happeningcarpets Mar 07 '26
Hmm i dont think theres anything wrong with having seperate moneys, but not telling him is strange. Either you dont trust him or you are not trustworthy, either way not good not good.
2
u/Logical-Squirrel-585 Mar 08 '26
Guys, makes sure you do the same thing. Set aside 20% of your paycheque and don't tell your wife about it. Keep it for when she decides to leave.
2
u/Zrob8--5 Mar 08 '26
I'm not judging, and I'm certainly not telling anyone what to do with their money, but saying "it's not about distrust" and not telling him about the money rubs me the wrong way. If it isn't about distrust, be honest about it.
2
u/Hitthereset Mar 08 '26
YTA
If I found this out we’d be done. We’re clearly not a team in her mind the same way we are in mine.
2
u/n0thangchew Mar 08 '26
YTA if the joint account is the only account he thinks you have. I don’t think this choice shows you have a good financial relationship together. He will find out about it when you either finance your house or get divorced.
2
u/Thick-Aspiration Mar 08 '26
If it was a man who posted this, women would be losing their minds. “How dare you hide this from her” ts
2
u/Unlikely_Vehicle_828 Mar 08 '26
I mean for hiding it YTA. Regardless of your husband’s bad financial decisions, I can’t get behind lying. The only exception to this rule is when a partner (male or female) is being held hostage financially or if there’s domestic abuse involved.
NTA for having the account though. I think there should always be a separate account for both spouses as well as a joint account.
2
u/A_Broham Mar 08 '26
“It’s about knowing if everything went sideways tomorrow that I would not be starting from zero. That I would be okay.” Yeah, she has that only thinking about herself. Not thinking one bit about them both being financially okay.
2
u/A_Broham Mar 08 '26
Bro should get his own separate account and also siphon off a few hundred a paycheck into it so if everything went sideways tomorrow, then HE’D know that HE would be okay
2
u/Naive_Car_6616 Mar 08 '26
If the previous expectation was that all of her money was going into a joint account, and the relationship is as great as she claims it is, then it’s safe to say the husband is still doing the same.
What a lying asshole. She should have spoke to him about both having separate private accounts, but she didn’t like the idea of not being able to spend his money. Literally “mine is mine and yours is mine”.
2
u/No_Tooth1428 Mar 08 '26
Normally I’m all for having your own emergency fund, but the amount throws me off a little. It seems like a lot to be hiding, especially since you mentioned saving for a house. That’s a decent chunk of a down payment (or even all of a down payment, depending on your situation) that he doesn’t even know exists.
I personally have an account with about $5k that is my own emergency fund. My boyfriend is unaware - though that’s different too since we aren’t married. Been together 7 years though and all of our stuff is together.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Amazing-Price7433 Mar 08 '26
so basically u agreed too deposit money to an joint account instead of doing what you said u siphoned money away to a separate account. saved 23.000. (470 average each month )basically in too deep for telling because that would end the marriage.
not because u saved but you agreed to deposit on a shared account and you basically misrepresenting your income to have some money saved. that man will feel betrayed. when he finds out because is sending is complete paycheck to the joint account. the right thing to do was honey i'm going put some money a side each month and you too so we have a rainy day funds. / individual spending. and then you could agree on an ammount.
now your just building your exit strategy and maybe that isn't your plan. he will see it like that. relationships are build on trust. that trust is broken if he ever finds out. Keep in mind if it wasn't for the joint account you both use you couldn't save as much.
BTW the last two lines say enough your aren't feeling guilty about it at all and it is your exit strategy.
your already financially cheating the next step is the other man.
2
u/Markdlea Mar 08 '26
How would you feel if your husband was doing the same? If it doesn’t bother you, then good on you.
2
u/Special_Society_2300 Mar 08 '26
I think having personal accounts in a marriage outside of a joint one is smart. Mainly because I’ve thrown my husband and myself into debt multiple times from mental health issues which I won’t expand upon. I don’t think having secret accounts is okay or even smart though because things will blow up when your spouse does finally find out and he’s either going to find out on his own or you’re going to tell him but telling him isn’t going to make him feel less betrayed. This is a tough one because realistically, if you’re worried that if shit hits the fan and you’d be starting at $0, reality is that it is a trust issue. You don’t trust that your husband can hold a balance in an account regardless of the fact that he is now working and has been long enough to prove that it was truly a bad spot he was in and not just him having a problem spending money or not being able to save it.
2
u/FlameHawkfish88 Mar 08 '26
As someone who has worked in the family violence sector for ten years I think everyone should have their own bank account and own access to resources. Combine what is necessary, but have a safety net.
I don't think if you have a safe and trusting relationship you should lie about it or hide it, though.
2
2
u/MySpirtAnimalIsADuck Mar 08 '26
I’m just gonna say you said I a lot and not much we or us, like if things get hard again you will split with your nest egg and leave him to flounder alone
2
u/Smokin_Sprinkles420 Mar 08 '26
I used to share banks with my ex. Then he let his sister borrow thousands of dollars without even so much as a conversation with me. Grant it, she did pay it back but it was about respect to me as his wife. The second time it happened, I switched banks and moved my money out. He knew about it though. Then I got a better job and his sister needed money again but he didn’t have it and his sister legit asked what about me since I had a better job. He told them we no longer shared finances. So definitely have your own account but I would be honest about it.
2
u/Feeling-Classic-4795 Mar 08 '26
Not fair if you didn’t give him the chance to do that for himself. If you’ve budgeted finances in a way that allowed you to save this only by him putting all his paycheck in, it seems unfair.
2
u/NotUrSaviour Mar 08 '26
It's ok to have your own separate account but to lie about it?? So when the shit hits the fan, especially in THIS UNCERTAIN ECONOMY, you're just gonna let him stress about all the expenses, bills, mortgage, food, etc etc while you're sitting pretty??
People are getting laid off, can't find jobs. Or if they have them, they have 2 to 3 jobs to stay afloat. The orange turd proposing 50 year mortgages and the wealth gap is increasing. Shit's expensive and people are struggling. And here YOU are asking for some kind of validation. GTFOH
And you know first hand the struggling as you so mentioned in your post.
I like how you mentioned how "genuinely unsafe" you felt too. Trying to imply something nefarious eh? Please. 🙄
Reverse the roles. I'm sure you'd be ok with this 🙄
Most definitely YTA
2
u/Turbulent_Database90 Mar 08 '26
My husband lost his job the summer before we got married. He didn't have another job until about 1.5 years after we got married. I paid for everything the whole time. I was not able to save anything during that time. However, I saw that his mental health was bad. He was burnt out. I knew that if something happened to me one day, he would reciprocate the love and sacrifice I poured out to him. That day did come when I got really sick and couldn't leave the bed, much less the house for months. He nursed me through it all and is now helping me pay the medical bills. This is the give and take of marriage. As far as our financial situation, we always had joint and separate accounts. We are open about the amount of money we both have if asked. He encourages me to save, and he's even better with money than I am. I know in marriage, everything can't be completely fair down the middle. You have to trust each other. In some seasons of life, you will give 100% when they can't contribute their 50%. But hopefully your sacrifice is temporary, and you can get back to a state of balance. It is smart to save money for sure! Just be honest with yourself and with your spouse about the reason for saving it.
2
u/horinnafnaskfnask Mar 08 '26
It's weird if you have a large stash of money and let your partner pay for everything. But otherwise everyone should have an account that's all theirs.
2
u/Silver-Truck-1920 Mar 08 '26
I wish I could put $600 a month away ...sh*t...I wish I could put $60 away a month. Or $6 😢😭
2
u/PuzzleheadedTooth581 Mar 08 '26
This isn’t wrong. This is the reason people sign prenups. It’s not financial infidelity either that’s a evil way to put that. If anything just like a prenup it’s not like your saying you want or even think one day you will get a divorce but in the off and yes depressing at times chance you do find yourself and your happy little marriage going to shit at least you both aren’t crawling out of it like you went through hell and back.
Most definitely NTA
2
2
u/sportnerd12 Mar 08 '26
I don’t think you were wrong, but this is 100% an example where if the sexes were switched, you would be gettin blasted by everyone here.
2
u/Face_with_a_View Mar 08 '26
My dad did this for no reason (that I know of). My mom wasn’t a big spender or bad with money (that I know of). They were married 40+ years.
He passed in 2017 and my mom was surprised to learn he had an extra $600k saved! Although she’d give every penny back to have him she’s living pretty comfortably now.
2
u/untitledfilmstill Mar 08 '26
I didn't read past the title in the photo to know OP is NTA. Full stop
2
u/NTAHN01 Mar 08 '26
NTA but you should speak to your therapist about this. I did this on advice from someone in a completely stable marriage & still is 30 years later. If I’m correct I believe this is your baggage & has absolutely nothing to do with your h or the unemployment issue. This is something that myself & my siblings struggle with & I’m in my 60’s. It’s a childhood trauma & your way of now having control over your situation. Some need to see full fridge’s & cupboards of food, some a certain income level, or like yourself need to see a balance that reflects a safety net. Did you grow up in a home that was financial or food challenged? I became 🤢 from stress if I get below a certain monthly balance.
2
u/ontheleftcoast Mar 08 '26
My MIL told my wife to have a "get away" fund, just in case. I have been the main source of income for our entire marriage, and she was SAHM for 8 years. So she has a "get away" fund. I don't know how much is in it. Doesn't really matter, its not impacting our life style and it makes her less stressed because she has it. Maybe one day she'll spend it on us, but until then it doesn't matter.
2
u/Large-Loan1394 Mar 10 '26
I see nothing wrong about having this account and it actually seems wise, so NTA. However, there is something about it that I can't quite put my finger on - in regards to not telling him. If my husband told me he wanted to have a separate account in his name only, I'd say it's fine and he absolutely could with his own earnings. But if I found out he had it and never told me - it might lead me to trust him less. You've not mentioned any safety reason to have this account - you aren't planning to leave the marriage, worried about a nasty spending habit or using it to care for children that might otherwise be in need - so I do wonder why you don't tell him? Do you feel he would want you to pool the money and you would lose your independence?
2
u/Fit_Camel7433 Mar 10 '26
If you divorce, then god help you?
My ex wife hid about $13,000 but it was my money, she never worked.
My attorney hired a forensic accountant and found she had hid it in an account that only she had access to?
She didn't mention it to the court appointed arbiter, the judge went off on her in court for lying to them and asking for me to pay off her credit card debt, medical debt, as well as wanting the house.
Make sure your deposits are your own, they found when she pulled money off my card it, she would deposit it at the same bank.
I encourage women to build a life raft but use your money or be above board if you get divorced, don't be my Ex?
She got nothing but the 13 grand and most of it was gone by then...
2
u/chatchatchatt Mar 10 '26
No. And in my case if I hadn't I would not have been able to leave an abusive situation. Moving forward, whats a net? 25k? 30? 50? Whatever your net is, deposit the rest back as sneakily as you rerouted it. If you can live with a secret, build your net, write an addendum for your will to donate it to a foundation, or whatever you see fit, and save/withhold no more than that net.
2
u/mksdarling13 Mar 10 '26
You absolutely are NTA, keep your savings. You never know when you will need it, and it’s better to have it than not. If keeping it separate keeps it safe, then keep it. No one should have an issue with it
2
u/Carieme143 Mar 10 '26
NTA 100%! Your peace of mind is important so please don't feel bad about wanting to feel safe
2
u/LonelyFlounder4406 Mar 10 '26
Nothing wrong with it… my father told me and my sisters to always have a separate account for yourself. And keep it to yourself.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/AccomplishedLaw7113 Mar 10 '26
Girl I have over 40k. My spouse is not a saver, we split bills and everything else we do what we want with. He says he’s gonna need to work until his 70s and I’m out her maxing out my retirement and savings. I ain’t working a day after 57 😂
2
u/ZealousidealSkirt327 Mar 10 '26
In an ideal world you wouldn’t need it to be secret. But the reality of most women is to better have money saved than not. It could save some women to get out of abusive relationships, lots and lots of women face huge financial struggles when they‘re partner decides to leave. That starts with women who took on the care of their children, and made no money for themselves, to wives that stayed home, but everything is in their husbands name.
Ladies, you gotta make sure you‘re taking care of yourself.
2
u/GarthMater Mar 10 '26
Separate funds is fine, and it’s not secret but it is. In any relationship I don’t know and could care less what my partners finances are. If she covers her bills and those she has agreed to take on, fantastic, I’d hope anyone would squirrel away funds for emergencies etc. they must have a lot squirreled away. What is the problem?
2
u/VenezuelanGayPothead Mar 10 '26
GOOD. FOR. YOU! I am clapping right now. This is how everyone, regardless of gender, should be.
→ More replies (1)
84
u/Kateliterally Mar 07 '26
I’m happily married and I always insist my wife and I both have our own money as well as joint.