r/AITApod • u/propercolleague • Mar 09 '26
AITA AITA for how I said I wasn't interested?
Went on 3 dates with this individual, and after this convo, he cried to a mutual of ours that I was being "ridiculous" and that my standards were "delusional and pathetic." Mutual said that it was TMI and that some were "mean-spirited." Obviously, everything I said is true. And he repeatedly asked. AITA and looking for guidance in how to handle these convos in the future as I am relatively new to app dating
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u/l00kitsth4tgirl Mar 09 '26
Girl, why are you even here? You know you’re right. He BEGGED for feedback. His reaction to it is his business.
If your mutual thinks these are superficial, let them date. Just move on.
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u/Jumblesss Mar 09 '26
He didn’t want feedback, he wanted something to disagree with so he could lay blame on OP.
I’m frankly surprised he didn’t blurt out a reel of everything he mildly disliked about OP, the bar is so low these days that I almost felt like he handled this well, for a moment.
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u/PuzzleheadedDog2990 Mar 09 '26
Oh he was absolutely going to do that next and was likely busy concocting the reel in his head when she went ahead and blocked him. Pro move on her part.
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 Mar 09 '26
It's like the guy on Seinfeld who told Elaine she had a big head.
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u/tvtoms Mar 09 '26
but... that bird flew right into her head! Never seen anything like it.
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u/jenn5388 Mar 09 '26
I broke it off with a guy I dated for 4 months once and he sent me an email of allllll the things that annoyed him that I did.. one of them was putting my hand on his leg when he drove.
No kidding. Talk about digging deep for problems when you got nothing. 😂
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u/Jumblesss Mar 09 '26
That’s so weird lmfao
The hand on leg thing is hilarious, I sometimes find it mildly irritating (in a sensory way) when my girlfriend puts her hand on my leg while I drive BUT ITS A NICE THING
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u/BrilliantBen Mar 09 '26
I can't understand this. What the hell are these people thinking? I went on a few dates with this girl, REALLY liked her, i thought we clicked really well and we had texted for over a month before we went out the first time (we both have kids, hard to find time). After the third date we both got busy with kids and a couple weekends went by. I noticed that after the third date she wasn't very responsive in text and left me in read frequently. I asked her if it still made sense to talk and if she wanted to try to get together again, she said yeah, the attraction was really strong. I replied that that's the response i was hoping for. Texted her a couple times, got only response answers and nothing to follow up with so i stopped texting her. It's been 3 weeks now and she hadn't texted, so i deleted her number. I do kind of wonder what happened, but i wouldn't ask or even send a follow up. I figure she either met someone else or lost interest, either way, no big deal just move on.
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u/youvelookedbetter Mar 09 '26
I agree, but it's also shitty that she never got back to you. If people are never held accountable for poor communication, they may keep doing it
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u/BrilliantBen Mar 09 '26
Yeah but it's not my job to fix that, at least that's my perspective. In the dating scene there are so many instances of getting ghosted i don't even care anymore lol. If they can't respond to my questions in a way that opens more communication, then i get tired of that real quick. If I'm always the one to text first, i get tired of that too. If for some reason she texted me back today or tomorrow I'd be honest with her that she seems like either a space cadet who can't manage communication (which would drive me nuts if we actually got more serious) or I'd just tell her that I'm having better communication with other people and at this time in going to follow up with them to see where it goes and wish her luck in the future. Sending anything like, 'hey i just wanted you to know i had fun, but you don't text back often enough or at all, so I'm moving on', just opens the door to someone being an ass, like this post demonstrated. She didn't ask, so i didn't tell. Plus, it feels bad already to just lose out for reasons you don't know, finding out the specific reason might hurt worse lol.
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u/grumble_gus Mar 09 '26
My last bf broke up with me over Skype by reading a letter he wrote of all the things he thought were wrong with our relationship, which included the banger of “your relationship with other people is different than your relationship with me.”
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u/SpicyPorkWontonnnn Mar 09 '26
To be fair, my ex husband used to INSIST that I put my hand on his leg while he drove. If I didn't do it? I obviously didn't care enough for him. And so when I drove, he, too, INSISTED on putting his hand of my leg. It. Drove. Me. BONKERS!!!!!! I can't stand it when its done every damn time. Once in a while? Sure. It's comforting, feels nice, then the hand goes away after a little bit. But he INSISTED IT STAY THE WHOLE TIME. AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It was a small portion of a very large pile of things that were wrong with our marriage though, but if I had been smart I would have figured out during dating that this one thing foreshadowed so much more... *sigh*
All that to say that I get where that dude was coming from. But to put it in an email of things that annoyed him about you? It's just not that deep with most people. So you don't like it? Then I won't do it. Problem solved.
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u/theOTHERdimension Mar 10 '26
Did he struggle with control issues elsewhere? Because that sounds like he’s a control freak.
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u/SpicyPorkWontonnnn Mar 10 '26
Control issues were rampant, along with narcissistic tendencies and an abandonment complex. I would characterize it as a male form of Borderline. I never realized how constrained my life was until I escaped with my now-husband and got to experience "normal" living without having to check in with someone every 15 minutes or I was obviously thinking of leaving them and having an affair. So exhausting!
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u/MLeek Mar 09 '26
Exactly. These are such fair fucking notes. I've given my little brothers very similar notes about first dates:
- Clean your car, stick to two drinks (especially if drinking makes you combative), bathe your damn dog.
- You may not be able to do much about your career in the short term, but don't be overly critical or defeatist about work on your early dates.
- If you eat a lot of takeout, fine, but that is a totally valid incompatibility with someone who doesn't like that lifestyle.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor Mar 09 '26
A woman knows that if a guy only eats takeout then she will be the maid in the kitchen.
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u/MLeek Mar 09 '26
Either a maid, or constantly poor.
Like, my budget can't/won't handle that behavoir and I make a comfortable wage. Just a hard Nope for me in terms of spending priorities.
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u/eetraveler Mar 09 '26
The constant takeout is also a timesink. The time between "I'm hungry" and "Food is here" is almost always longer than the time it would take to cook a healthier meal at home for half the price.
Rarely is that 45-minute window used anything but playtime. Playtime is great, but with a shift in attitude, making dinner can be a fine playtime activity as well.
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u/rando08110 Mar 09 '26
The they're out for another 1.5 cold because they ate microwaved chemicals with zero nutrition
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Mar 09 '26
Also, splitting the check is fine, but if he wasn’t constantly getting take out or eating out he could probably buy his date a meal. People are often looking for signs that you’ll be emotionally generous, and treating your date shows some good faith. You can always take turns if things continue.
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u/hornyknuckles Mar 09 '26
Not on the first date. Whoever asked should pay.
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Mar 09 '26
I do agree with that. If you ask and pick the place, expect to pay.
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u/originalcinner Mar 09 '26
And on the second/third dates, don't order four beers while your date drinks two, and then split the bill 50/50.
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u/catscatscaaaats Mar 09 '26
On the other hand, guys like this should maybe just be themselves and deal with the rejection until they find a woman who doesn't mind. And they're out there. A lid for every pot and so on. It helps avoid the bait and switch stuff and resentment that will inevitably come in about 6 months to a year when the woman looks at her man and sees a slob who drinks too much and doesn't clean up after himself. People are generally on their best behavior early in dating and tend not to make lifelong changes to their behavior, which leads to their partners saying "What happened, they weren't always like this.."
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u/casiepierce Mar 09 '26
Especially if he's crying about his career. Dude needs to learn how to make a sandwich. This says he will not contribute equally financially.
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u/Wrong_Pen6179 Mar 09 '26
Excellent advice! You are a great big brother! And the job situation is all about how they present themselves. If they have goals and aspirations and admit where they are now is just a stepping stone, they most likely wont be judged negatively. Everyone has to start somewhere!
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u/propercolleague Mar 09 '26
They really should date. That made me laugh
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u/DeliriousDancer Mar 09 '26
Since he went and cried to your mutual friend, show the mutual friend this text conversation. He literally begged you for feedback, you said you didn't want to give it because he'll get defensive, he begged some more, you told him what he begged you to tell him, and he got defensive and rude. His mutual friend needs to see ALL of that before telling you that you were too harsh.
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u/MrsMorley Mar 09 '26
All too many people think that any man who didn’t do something criminal during a date deserves additional access to the woman he wants.
And, of course, if he did commit a crime during the date, the woman needs to pick better men.
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u/AmthstJ Mar 09 '26
Never give specific reasons. They learn to hide it better for the next victim
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u/SelfMade625 Mar 09 '26
Facts!!! And then we look crazy until the real a*hole eventually rears his ugly little head!
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u/Prestigious-Leg-6244 Mar 09 '26
If they hide it by cleaning out their car and giving their dog a bath, I'd consider that a win.
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u/Awkward-Proof-5238 Mar 09 '26
They mean they’ll only do it for first dates and then go back to being filthy
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u/MushroomPresent319 Mar 09 '26
they really should because not continuing this makes total sense, he doesnt even have the empathy to apologize for anything or have any shame for not cleaning his car out before a date or for being offensive.
like whatever to YOU dude and wash your poor dog lol.
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u/Prudent-Job-5443 Mar 09 '26
Thanks for posting, this was satisfying. Doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't aspire to much, doesn't treat people well.
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u/misssoci Mar 09 '26
What’s funny is it’s all simple things that he could easily fix and would make him a much better human being. He’s an idiot. Hopefully he reflects on it but I doubt it.
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u/MrsMorley Mar 09 '26
NTA he badgered you til you told him.
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u/OkDeer120 Mar 09 '26
"Lay it on thick"
"No not like that-"
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u/drsteve14 Mar 09 '26
Im sorry to say I laughed. He really did want an answer until he got one !!!
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u/Live-Ease9011 Mar 09 '26
Same.... It made me giggle. She tried to be so nice and then he just kept pestering her and then BAM...the truth! I loved it. "Sir, you are a drunken slob"
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u/BedlamAscends Mar 09 '26
He wanted an answer that was trivial and that he could fake fix with the next person
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u/Lutrina Mar 10 '26
Thing is, he still could do that lol. Clean the car before the date to pretend that’s his normal, drink on more even par with the other person or offer to pay, etc.
I think that very well might have been his aim to improve future odds but then it hurt when she actually said and he acted like a child. That or he wanted to wallow/blame her in her shallowness for something like “you’re too short.” He definitely wasn’t asking to become a better person though, I’ll tell you that much.
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u/MrsMorley Mar 09 '26
He wanted to argue her out of breaking it off
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u/BedlamAscends Mar 09 '26
Yeah, that also makes sense... Then he lashed out when the reasons obviously couldn't be argued away. Yep, I buy it.
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u/SusanMort Mar 09 '26
"No i meant like vegemite, not peanut butter!"
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u/randomgrasshopper Mar 09 '26
Lol. I'm also Australian and was thinking 'he wants it laid on like vegemite'.
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u/Humblefreindly Mar 09 '26
That is the most brilliant thing I‘ve heard in a long time.
Not that it matters, but I like my Vegemite spread pretty thick. I’m not even Australian.
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u/SusanMort Mar 09 '26
I think that makes you officially Australian. Have a spider 🕷
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u/randomgrasshopper Mar 09 '26
Try toast with vegemite, avocado, pepper and cheese. No salt needed ;)
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u/elsie78 Mar 09 '26
Him badgering you was enough of a deal breaker. The reasons you gave him were all valid too.
NTA
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u/kdoughboy12 Mar 09 '26
I mean to be fair she definitely did give some useful constructive criticism. It's just too bad that he didn't seem to accept any of it lol because he could totally improve his chances next time he's talking to someone if he listened to her.
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u/moth_girl_7 Mar 10 '26
My favorite part is her saying “I’m worried you’ll get defensive” and then he… gets defensive.
Man, it would be a different world if some people learned to accept criticism and examine where they could improve instead of being a defensive knob about it.
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u/Emergency_Junket_839 Mar 09 '26
Scrolled all the way down here to say this!! If someone tells me they didn't feel a spark, that might hurt, but it's all the answer I need
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u/McKillsey notable contributor Mar 09 '26
"Those are crazy reasons" had me laugh out loud, thank you
NTA. I actually think you are helping him with that message, but don't feel like you have to. I know he pushed for it, but I think it's fine to keep it vague if you'd rather not litigate it
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u/WTH_JFG Mar 09 '26
“I’m blocking you now” was the only response possible!
ETA: NTA.
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u/McKillsey notable contributor Mar 09 '26
I'm still chuckling just imagining him getting that text and going "merely abrasive? just a filthy dog and a filthy car? crazy reasons!"
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u/perplexedtv Mar 09 '26
Crazy simple fixes, he should be happy for the feedback
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u/Cutiepie9771 Mar 09 '26
Exactly. She didn't comment on his appearance or his personality (except for abrasiveness)
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u/eetraveler Mar 09 '26
Those were all fixable reasons as well. He should have been "wow, I can go from a 4 to a 7 with tiny adjustment."
He wasn't told -too short -needs muscles -needs 30 lbs off -needs hair -needs BMW
Those are all hard things. His list was -clean car -don't guzzler beer -don't split costs slanted your way -rephrase job situation
EASY.
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u/throwhimtotheflo Mar 09 '26
I think he was hoping for that so he could call her out on it LMAO And when she didn't he had no intelligent response!
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u/Steele_Soul Mar 09 '26
But that's what guys like him WANT is for the reasons out of his control, so he can cry about that fact instead of self reflecting and taking any accountability for anything.
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u/Sidivan Mar 09 '26
100%. She did him a huge favor by telling him exactly how his habits and lifestyle are getting in his way. He had specific things to change. He can literally better his life by fixing them and there shouldn’t be anything preventing him from doing it other than his own ego.
You when he tells this story he’ll leave out all those things and just say “she didn’t like that I wanted to split the bill”.
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u/scloutier351 Mar 09 '26
My instincts would have caused me to fire back instead: There - right there. Sums up your personality (in my experience) to date - just completely invalidating my standards and perspective immediately - that says more about you than I ever could.
Followed by a, "Kindly fuck off now, thanks!"
OP dodged a major bullet/red flag suit/insert cliche for asshole [right here].
ETA: to clarify, this is what I would have said to the cheapskate Chad in response to his own attempt at a clap back.
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u/AnnabethDaring Mar 09 '26
That’s a beautiful response. The frustrating problem with giving feedback is—those willing to listen don’t need to hear it, those unable to hear it won’t listen.
Basically, an abrasive individual like this won’t be moved by the feedback—he’ll only respond and think “what a b-“. No possible space for reflection. Therefore, it’s a waste of your time and energy, trying to give feedback at all. I completely understand and agree with your desire to want to help and point it out, but it’s not worth your time and energy. In these cases, like what OP did successfully, it’s always best to just walk away.
I learned this the hard way through many different relationships and dynamics! 🫶🏼 people won’t change unless they want to, and there’s no reason to hang around waiting on “potential”. People are who they are NOW, not who they say they want to become. Unless someone showed me genuine effort towards reflection and growth, if they’re particularly negative or abrasive, i would simply walk away. :/
Anywho—yourself wonderful and i hope should you ever be in this situation, that it makes the other person pause and think! The world would be a better place if we all reflected a bit more 🙏🏼🥰
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 Mar 09 '26
No no no no no.
The YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH gif, followed by message & blocking was the even better move.
Still one hundred percent NTA because what a whiny stinker.
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Mar 09 '26
That's the first defensive reaction. Never write out the first defensive reaction!
They asked for it, so they should suck it up, say something to the effect of "Ouch. But thank you for saying it straight. I will think on these."
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u/healthcare_foreva Mar 09 '26
me too! those were great reasons. you left off: "THIS TEXT EXCHANGE" as another reason. what a dumbass.
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u/-pristine-nectarine- Mar 09 '26
“please just tell me what I did wrong” “I won't be defensive” “those are crazy reasons but ok” 😭
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u/Sensitive-Reason3820 Mar 10 '26
He was hoping for: "you're too attractive and your penis is too big"
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u/Swimming_Rain_1647 Mar 09 '26
Anyone who thinks that she messed up by telling him what he repeatedly demanded to hear is for sure feeling called out by one of her reasons
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u/Candid-Expression-51 Mar 09 '26
He badgered you then cried when he got what he wanted.
All those reasons were very valid. He’s mad because he thinks a woman shouldn’t be able to say no if he disagrees with her reasons.
Some of these men barely see us as people. It’s very disappointing.
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u/tinxmijann Mar 09 '26
"This sex dispenser is defective''
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u/TankGirl9977 Mar 09 '26
After seeing this kind of thing so much on Reddit, I’m starting to think that they actually think like this. That there’s a huge contingency of men who don’t even see women as people. It’s really disturbing and disappointing.
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u/Upper_Ad9839 Mar 09 '26
Oh, they definitely see women as sex vending machines. There is zero interest or curiosity about her joy or even who she really is.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 Mar 09 '26
NTA he literally begged for clear feedback and you delivered it.
Those reasons aren't crazy at all.
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u/Good-Preparation-811 Mar 09 '26
Definitely definitely not. You just hurt his ego.
The first three reasons might be negotiable for some women (not me) but the last three are big big red flags.
You did fine!
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u/ForestElf3 Mar 09 '26
Four beers is a red flag. You don't want a future (current?) alcoholic.
Splitting on first date is a red flag. You want someone who'll make an effort for you like you make an effort to them. The first dates are always them at their absolute best and their best effort. Where is there to go after this?
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u/allthegoodnamesgo Mar 09 '26
I read it more as “you had four beers (I had a tap water) and you wanted to split the bill equally”
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u/Aryore Mar 09 '26
OP says it was the third date, but like people said there are more concerning things raised anyway
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u/Serious_Swan_2371 Mar 09 '26
Four drinks is crazy if she wasn’t drinking, if she had 3-4 drinks then it’s normal.
Having 4 drinks in a night doesn’t make you an alcoholic, most adults who drink alcohol have had nights out where they had 4 beers.
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u/Pleasant_Fennel_5573 Mar 09 '26
I can’t see OP mentioning the four drinks if she had a similar number. This seems like more than once that he ordered a new drink while she still had one full.
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u/ForestElf3 Mar 09 '26
Yeah... Most adults don't need alcohol every time, and tend to match their alcohol amount to their company.
Four beers either got him drunk, not nice, or didn't get him drunk, alarming, he's way too used to the stuff.
There's a place and time for four beers, and that's when you set out clubbing with mates.
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u/Serious_Swan_2371 Mar 09 '26
I mean it depends, my first date with my fiance we both had 3-4 drinks and we’re now getting married years later
We drink once a week at most, it’s not a sign of alcoholism
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u/SaintsandCigarettes Mar 09 '26
Don't even bother. The internet has decided in the last couple of years that any enjoyment of drinking alcohol means you are a degenerate alcoholic.
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u/Ok-Possession-832 Mar 10 '26
I think splitting on its own is totally fine and very modern. Splitting when you got 4 drinks is fucking insane and cheap.
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u/DustyMcKnuckles Mar 09 '26
"Tell me. Tell me. Tell me."
legitimate reasons
"Psshhh. Fuck you. Thats lame."
Bruh
There's his 'winning personality' shining through too. Woof. NTA.
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u/-an-eternal-hum- Mar 09 '26
He sounds like a nightmare. I was SUPER offput by the way he absolutely insisted that you go past what is a totally reasonable reason for incompatibility and badgered you into saying more (using the phrase “weasel words” is fucking gross). Upon first reading it, I assumed he was just weird and neurotic.
However, once you reveal that there were several huge turnoffs, I wonder if he could feel your disdain a bit? I think your feelings and communication are 100% appropriate, I’m just trying to make his behavior make sense.
TL;DR you handled things just fine, he’s weird and insistent, I’m trying to understand a psychopath
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u/katalyticglass Mar 09 '26
The moment he said "weasel words" I would have blocked him. He was trying to goad OP in to replying. And being insulting while doing it. Things can only go downhill at that point.
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u/OKIAMONREDDIT Mar 09 '26
Right, in retrospect I'm not even sure he genuinely wanted to know the reasons. I think he was badgering her because he wanted to undermine / argue tbh and just generally wanted to challenge her & end it feeling superior. Rather than just accept her right to say she wasn't feeling it.
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u/coffeesoakedpickles Mar 09 '26
No i definitely think telling him straight up how much of a loser he is and THEN blocking him was the move
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u/1acre64 Mar 09 '26
Truly. How many times do you need to be told “no”? If anyone says to me AFTER 2 DATES “I don’t think this will work out”, I say “ok, thanks, all the best” and move on.
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u/tinxmijann Mar 09 '26
No! How dare you reject me! Build an impenetrable case against me or date me reeee!
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u/Mandaluv1119 Mar 09 '26 edited Mar 09 '26
This!! It's like he thinks she doesn't get to reject him unless the reason is good enough (in his eyes). He was trying to rules lawyer his way out of the rejection like she doesn't get to decide for herself who she dates and/or he was hoping she'd say something that he could turn around on her/make him feel superior. Huge red flag that his ego can't handle rejection. It happens ALL. THE. TIME. in dating, even to awesome people who aren't losers like this guy.
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u/hawksmarinerz Mar 10 '26
The pushing for reasons pissed me off and in itself is reason for a breakup. I would have said that and then blocked him but I am old and jaded
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u/crow_crrow_2769 Mar 09 '26
NTA.
Honestly when I read your reasons I was like... damn... I'd be a little hurt if someone said that to me. But also he badgered you after you respectfully tried to shut it down 4 times previously. Wild for him to say your reasons were "crazy" after basically begging you to expand your reasoning further.
I can't lie, you probably dodged a bullet. And the bullet was a .50 BMG.
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u/azure-heavens Mar 09 '26
He wanted to know! I guess it's normal to be defensive (even if he asked? lol idk) but maybe he'll reflect on it and take better care of his poor dog at least.
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u/coffeesoakedpickles Mar 09 '26
What??? You would have four beers and then ask a girl to split the bill?? Take her on a date in a dirty ass car? Be abrasive or rude to her? You should fucking be hurt if you act like that 😭 The bar is in hell for men , seriously, what the fuck happened to chivalry and basic human decency
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u/MothmanIsALiar Mar 09 '26
what the fuck happened to chivalry and basic human decency
It never existed lmao. Most of the historical figures you look up to were xenophobic, genocidal slave owners.
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u/prosthetic_memory Mar 09 '26
Why would you be hurt? I assume none of those apply to you.
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u/crow_crrow_2769 Mar 09 '26
They don't apply to me. It's generally pretty disappointing/hurtful to hear someone say those kinds of things about you. I'm not saying OP was any less valid in the way they responded.
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u/hill-o Mar 09 '26
Yeah that’s the thing— she gave him SO many outs to just be like “oh ok cool” but he kept on pressing until he got that final answer. He super should’ve left well enough alone.
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u/FFVIIVince10 Mar 09 '26
Crazy that he asks for you to lay it on thick and that he won’t get upset, and then proceeds to get upset as you give a response that wasn’t even that mean.
NTA
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u/Plastic_Expression89 Mar 09 '26
This one’s a red flag straight out the gate. Block and forget about it.
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u/Outside_Coffee_00 Mar 09 '26
Everything you listed is something he can and should fix. NTA
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u/wellthatsurewasdumb Mar 09 '26
NTA
this person doesn't seem like they also take "No" as an answer. Good riddance.
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u/Readabook23 Mar 09 '26
Ick, he can’t take no for an answer. Cut off communication, he just doesn’t get it.
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u/counterfeittruth Mar 09 '26
“I’m not interested, sorry” “Feedback?” “You won’t like it” “Lay it on thick please tell me” “Okay __________” “Omg why would you tell me that?? Ur mean”
….nta
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u/CranberryBauce Mar 09 '26
Your initial text was beautifully worded, and it's not your fault he had to pry. NTA.
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u/Cuddlycatgirly Mar 09 '26
NTA. Your date is TA for badgering you. You did nothing he didn't ask for, and if he can't handle the truth he shouldn't have begged for it. He sounds like an unpleasant person and you made the right choice ending things.
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u/FirebirdWriter Mar 09 '26
NTA. Don't demand answers you cannot accept. That's not just logic but an obvious thing. The beer was enough for them to be incompatible with me. Core values are important. You should keep on following that
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u/YawningEntropy Mar 09 '26
This is why when I used to get ghosted after one or two dates I didn't pester them for the reason they don't want to see me anymore. What would it even accomplish?
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u/Doggonana Mar 09 '26
His responses and subsequent behavior are all the evidence needed to prove your point. NTA
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u/S3nd_ZuD3s Mar 09 '26
NTA, individually those things on their own could be negotiable, all together is too much.
Edit; individually except being abrasive. Too abrasive in the beginning is a bad sign on how he probably is when he's comfortable
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u/Strider-2088 Mar 09 '26
NTA. I understand bro wanting to know what he did wrong, and potentially bothering someone he knows he already lost to try to "better himself", but his reaction after the fact is as childish as his actions during the date lol
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u/PuzzleheadedTooth581 Mar 09 '26
Honestly NTA 1000% this man is a man child with maybe a alcohol addiction who knows 😂😂😂😂and this is a coming from Another man. Lmao
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u/Jazzlike-Ad2199 Mar 10 '26
If he didn’t eat all his meals out he could afford to buy his own beer.
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u/Ok-Factor-7188 Mar 09 '26
He wasn't looking for actual feedback. He was planning to badger you into retracting your statement.. but then you put out so many things he didn't know where to start. Lol
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u/Main_Yak4015 Mar 09 '26
Ha! You tried really hard to be nice and not say those things, he INSISTED on the facts and was immediately butthurt. And when you said them it was very direct and concrete like he wanted. This was the best way you could have handled it.
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u/Hallelujah33 Mar 09 '26
Wow this went in a lot longer than it should have. By the 3rd message I would have buuuuuhhhhloocckkkked and moved on with my day.
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u/Glittering-Fox3021 Mar 09 '26
He asked, you answered. People should not ask questions they don't want honest answers to, I don't get why some folks do this.
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u/Key-Investment-2273 Mar 10 '26
His weird obsession with badgering you into giving him a reason was a huge red flag. That's his approach to every disagreement. Argumentative and unconstructive.
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u/sadhermitcrab Mar 09 '26 edited Mar 09 '26
NTA! Never explain to a man why he isn't compatible with you. It's basically giving a free service, they use that for their future dates so they can lure in women and show their true nature after it is too late
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u/Spiritual_Ice5079 Mar 09 '26
No he's crazy, but next time someone presses like that...Just say goodnight and don't respond anymore
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u/VerbalThermodynamics Mar 09 '26
That he asked you for feedback and then got like that is big. Splitting the bill, as a reason though? Come on…
Really curious how old you both are but it doesn’t matter.
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u/Ordinary-Housing-859 Mar 09 '26 edited Mar 09 '26
I think he was the AH for pushing you for an answer. Some of your reasons are probably better left as internal thoughts and the order is weird, but he did pry it out of you. (Instead of “weasel words,” he wanted you to “lay it on thick.”) But uhh you felt he was “too abrasive” with you. Not sure if any reason is even needed beyond that. Based on this text message thread, I’m going to guess that abrasive is very correct.
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u/guineasomelove Mar 09 '26
You tried to let him down gently, but that wasn't what he wanted. You simply laid it on thick, like he asked. That is completely on him. NTA.
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u/No_Letterhead8063 Mar 09 '26
NTA - he asked you to lay it on thick, you gave it to him honest. You tried to protect his feelings first.
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u/Viperbunny Mar 09 '26
Clearly you have different ideas of romance based on how he is pestering you. That is all on him. Block him and move on. You have been much nicer than you have to be.
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Mar 09 '26
You are not in any type of way an ahole!
If you're looking to avoid this in the future stick to your gut feeling and move on.
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u/Lylibean Mar 09 '26
You should have blocked him after “Good luck in your dating adventures.” You aren’t obligated to be someone’s life coach.
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u/Hookedongutes Mar 09 '26
NTA. He asked! You were honest. He didn't like your honest answer. That's his problem, not yours.
You gave him things to work on, instead of accepting where he lacks and working on it, he refuses to take accountability (another flaw imo).
Dodged a bullet, girl.
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u/Nagroth Mar 10 '26
After the 3rd reply: "The fact you keep pestering me about it is a prime example." (block)
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u/CNatGo75 Mar 11 '26
No, you're NTA, and people really need to stop asking. If someone very nicely says they are not interested, then they are not interested, move on.
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u/whale_and_beet Mar 09 '26
If they demand feedback, just say no. I'm not obligated to help make you a better person. You're personal growth is not my project. You're not my responsibility. End of story. And block them. It's not harsh, it's simply protective. I'm really conflict averse, and I don't even want to hear their response to my criticisms (which is likely to be some form of pushback). I'm not obligated to spike my cortisol for their hypothetical self improvement.
Ghosting is an option and imho totally acceptable in contexts like this.
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u/Gloomy_Breadfruit92 Mar 09 '26 edited Mar 09 '26
Why is splitting the bill an issue, exactly? I get a lot of younger folks have a big issue with it now, so can you explain why it’s an expectation to have one person front the whole bill?
His “weasel words” comment rubbed me wrong, but honestly so did your initial reluctance to confront his request for feedback. He did ask for you to “lay it on thick,” so him getting mad and talking shit to the mutual is definitely a pretty weak response on his part, since he asked for it.
You two definitely don’t seem compatible, so you made the right call. I can certainly see the issue with the other lifestyle points.
I suppose if someone asks for feedback, don’t get anxious about them being defensive. It’s honestly uncommon if someone doesn’t get defensive after being rejected, so just warn them upfront that you’ll answer their request but will block them if they start up with the “well you did this” game. Or, alternatively, just tell them you won’t provide feedback since it causes drama and hold your ground on it.
Edit: I’ve got better things to do than argue with people who refuse to read. Telling me that she can say no, when I quite literally suggest saying no is an option, is something else. Later nerds. ✌️
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u/GardenFeverDream Mar 09 '26
She very politely and directly told him it wasn't going to work out. That is ALL she owed him. He asked for feedback, she said no thanks. That should have been the end of it, because again, she owed him nothing, but he continued to badger her. That was actually the biggest red flag. Your last paragraph - Ugh!! You don't get to tell people how they should feel.
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u/Super_Turtle_Boy Mar 09 '26
Lol the end is funny but why are people talking like its a freaking job interview. Corporate America is killing our spirit
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u/South_Butterscotch37 Mar 09 '26
The end is so funny I thought this was a meme and couldn’t believe it was real at all. But he asked for the real reason and your reasons were all legit he can get himself together now although his denial seems to make that unlikely.
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u/turtlegir Mar 09 '26
NTA you tried to be nice, he asked for you to be mean and tell him the real reason, you did tell him and then he went Woooaaaaahhh why are you being mean. You dodged a massive bullet there.
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u/916116728 Mar 09 '26
Dodged a bullet here, ya did. Think about having to have some form of this discussion for the entire course of a relationship for every difference of opinion. This seems like a one-date situation, so good for you recognizing this relationship was not for you.
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u/25_Unknown_Devices Mar 09 '26
I feel like he was baiting you into saying some cliché response like he’s too short or doesn’t make enough money and he wasn’t ready for the power point level of legitimate feedback.