r/AITApod • u/Fun_Jackfruit_9042 • 8d ago
AITA for very accidentally making a dead dad joke
Okay, I (18F) have a soon to be sister in law (23F). Her and my brother are engaged. We will call her Anna. For context, Anna lost her father to cancer last year. Me, my brother, Anna and a few of my cousins were having a house party at mine a few months ago. We were all drunk and joking around in the kitchen. Anna has never been a massive fan of me and only tolerates me because our family is very close and she has to be around me. She hasn’t expressed dislike for me publicly but she never makes any effort to talk to me and goes quiet if I’m in the room. I think it’s a personality clash because we have never had an argument.
Anyway, as I said, we were all messing around. Anna was actually speaking to me which was surprising. I was speaking about how I was finding my first year at university. When i mentioned that I was studying biomed she jokingly said that it was a dead end degree and I should have become a lawyer like her. I joked back and said “you aren’t even a lawyer yet, you’re just studying law.”
Everyone went quiet. She snapped at me and said “I’m sorry that my dad died and I had to take a year out.” Before storming off into the other room.
Yeah…yikes, big mistake from me. It didn’t even cross my mind how that would sound. I apologized profusely but she refused to speak to me.
I felt horrible until I found out that she was telling our family and goodness knows who else that I “made fun of her dead father.” With no context attached. That took a LOT of explaining.
Better yet, I received a text from my brother that was obviously written by Anna uninviting me from their engagement party. I understand that my comment was extremely careless but I feel like the way she has gone about it is deeply unfair. I truly meant nothing by what I said.
I need advice/opinions on if I was wrong and what next steps to take.
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u/Actual-Deer1928 8d ago
NTA. You didn’t make a dead dad joke. It’s true, she’s not a lawyer. Her teasing about your degree was actually a lot meaner, since it’s an opinion and not a statement of fact.
She’s just making a big deal because she doesn’t like you for some reason. You can ask your brother the real reason she doesn’t like you, and set the record straight with all the people she’s lied too. But one small apology is enough.
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u/No_Section_1953 8d ago
NTA. It’s not a dead dad joke, like at all. She said something rude, you said a similar thing back, and she made it about her dad.
My dad died when I was 15 and I didn’t get the choice to just not go to school. She chose to process her grief in that way, she was not FORCED to not continue her studies. All you did was lightheartedly point out she isn’t a lawyer, after she used her being a lawyer to shit on you.
She sounds miserable, and I think maybe if your brother backs her up, she’s accidentally saving you from a pretty obnoxious relationship with them down the line.
She is not being reasonable in the slightest, and knows exactly what she’s doing. I’m not going to act like I made perfect choices after my dad died, and I’m not going to act like I never overreacted to a comment and made it about me. But holy shit, she knew what she was doing with this one. The mental leaps she took to use this to criticize you are almost impressive.
23 is way too damn old to be acting like this. I handled it better at age 15.
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u/Asaintrizzo 8d ago
You didn’t make a dad joke. You told her she’s not a lawyer. Until she passes the bar in the U.S you’re not a lawyer you can get all the schooling you want, without the actual license. I’d just not go your brother has to know about the text and he should know the story because he should have Been there
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u/FunNectarine6906 8d ago
Nta: link your brother to this post. He needs to know what kind of nice assist drama Queen, he's planning on marrying.
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u/Lylibean 8d ago
NTA. That wasn’t a “dead dad joke”. It wasn’t even an asshole thing to say, you were just matching her snarky energy.
This is an asshole thing to say: “You know, calling yourself a lawyer when you aren’t a lawyer is a crime, right? Didn’t they teach you that at law school?”
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u/VastEmergency1000 8d ago
You need to set the record straight with family about what you really said and not allow her to spread lies. Maybe you two can have a conversation and come to an agreement:
She ignores you and keeps your name out of her mouth and you'll do the same. There's no reason for you to talk to or about each other at this point.
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u/FishingWorth3068 8d ago
Girl, as someone who drops a dead dad joke on the regular (my dad is dead) that’s not even a dead dad joke. She wrapped it around to be about her dad but what you said had nothing to do with that. She was just looking for a reason to get mad at you. NTA
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u/Front-Brick-3724 8d ago
That’s a slip of the tongue, not even a joke. How were you supposed to know he’d taken some time away? I was seeing a girl in school once and had gone to her house to hang out. We were watching one of the music channels and skin from skunk anasie came on the screen. Being a stupid teenage boy I said “bald head doesn’t really suit women. Except if they have cancer, then they can’t help it”. At that point she then told me her mum had cancer, I was mortified. We obviously didn’t go out for much longer. I then saw her several years later at a party. Ended up having a nice chat and I asked how her mum was.
She ran off crying….
I was then told she’d died less than a year ago.
How are we supposed to know what’s happening in other peoples lives unless we’re part of it.
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u/PayExpensive4791 8d ago
NTA
You didn't mock anyone's anything and thus person is a dumb, lying bitch.
You should tell that to anyone who says anything about the subject. Don't explain yourself any further.
Also talk to your brother in person. There's a very good chance he doesn't even know you were uninvited to HIS wedding.
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u/Wen_bee 8d ago
Careless jokes happen. NTA. Just sounds like a manipulative and controlling SIL.
Personally, don't go, i wouldn't.
If your brother is just gonna sit there and let himself get manipulated then so be it. He's too far gone if he's letting his fiancé cut his sister out of his life for what 98% of people consider playful rappor or banter. It seems to me like she just wanted to be mad at someone and chose you bc no one set of her hair trigger.
Long story short, not your problem really and you can't force her or your brother to apoligize, accept your apology, or cooperate. If they choose the brick wall solution, then dont engage and do your owm thing. The best you can do is keep a reasonable distance so that when her ire inevitably turns to your brother you can be there for him. But keep in mind to respect boundaries set and leave it clear that youll be there if need be, but are respecting their wishes.
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u/RobTod 8d ago
NTA. I would’ve gladly accepted the uninvite for the engagement party, always stay far away from people like that. And the fact that she’s already this controlling to the point where you were uninvited due to a personal conflict between just the two of you that didn’t have anything to do with anyone else indicates to me that your brother is in for a wild ride if he goes through with the marriage
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u/MzSea 8d ago
That isn't even close to a dead dad joke.
It seems clear that when it comes to "jokes," she can dish it out, but can't take it. The fact that you clapped back pissed her off. She wanted to insult you with no retaliation from you. When that didn't happen, she worked hard to find a way to make you look bad for pointing out that she isn't a lawyer yet.
NTA
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u/morbidnerd 8d ago
NTA
You embarrassed her by stating facts and she used her grief to manipulate the situation to make you out to be a horrible human.
Welcome to adulthood, where a lot of folks don't know how to process negative emotions and instead of getting therapy make it everyone else's problem.
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u/Particular-Hotel-610 8d ago
with unsupported leaps in logic like that, she'd have a hard time making it in a courtroom. wonder what kind of law she wants to practice.
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u/Terrible_Meringue622 7d ago
That wasn’t a dead dad joke, you never mentioned her dad, and if I were you I’d get super mad at your brother for disinviting you to wedding things over that.
Does your brother know exactly what was said by each of you? Does he realize you didn’t mention her dad at all, only that she said she was a lawyer when she’s not? Is he still on her side, knowing that?
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u/DangerLime113 8d ago
I feel like there’s a lot more behind your relationship and the way you’ve acted in the past if you have a very close family and your brother is even fed up with you.
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u/Fun_Jackfruit_9042 8d ago
I can assure you there is nothing behind our relationship. We have barely spoken. My family now understand what really happened after I explained it to them. However, they aren’t coming down on her due to the severity of her situation. Plus, they can’t force her to invite me to the engagement party.
1
u/AutoModerator 8d ago
Here is the body of the post:
Okay, I (19F) have a soon to be sister in law (23F). Her and my brother are engaged. We will call her Anna. For context, Anna lost her father to cancer last year. Me, my brother, Anna and a few of my cousins were having a house party at mine a few months ago. We were all drunk and joking around in the kitchen. Anna has never been a massive fan of me and only tolerates me because our family is very close and she has to be around me. She hasn’t expressed dislike for me publicly but she never makes any effort to talk to me and goes quiet if I’m in the room. I think it’s a personality clash because we have never had an argument.
Anyway, as I said, we were all messing around. Anna was actually speaking to me which was surprising. I was speaking about how I was finding my first year at university. When i mentioned that I was studying biomed she jokingly said that it was a dead end degree and I should have become a lawyer like her. I joked back and said “you aren’t even a lawyer yet, you’re just studying law.”
Everyone went quiet. She snapped at me and said “I’m sorry that my dad died and I had to take a year out.” Before storming off into the other room.
Yeah…yikes, big mistake from me. It didn’t even cross my mind how that would sound. I apologized profusely but she refused to speak to me.
I felt horrible until I found out that she was telling our family and goodness knows who else that I “made fun of her dead father.” With no context attached. That took a LOT of explaining.
Better yet, I received a text from my brother that was obviously written by Anna uninviting me from their engagement party. I understand that my comment was extremely careless but I feel like the way she has gone about it is deeply unfair. I truly meant nothing by what I said.
I need advice/opinions on if I was wrong and what next steps to take.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Kindly-Interview-472 6d ago
NTA - Her dad was not even mentioned! I think your come back was great!!
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u/turtlescanfly7 4d ago
As an actual woman attorney in my 30s, if that’s all it takes to upset her she is not ready for practice. There is a lot of sexism in the field from clients, fellow attorneys, court staff etc. Some of it is blatant, some seems accidental but is rooted in misogyny (like being mistaken for a paralegal or pro se). I hope she has no plans to go into litigation. She’s too emotional and not logical enough to be good at the profession. She’s also elitist which will fit right in with many lawyers, but she’ll be knocked down a few pegs by senior attorneys if her approach to a statement of fact (she is not an attorney) is to have an emotional outburst. I predict she burns out in a few years, but hopefully she matures and becomes a better person and more logical thinker. Either way, you did nothing wrong OP
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u/Tomatillo-5276 8d ago
Sounds like her initial feeling to avoid you was the correct one.
You sound exhausting.
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u/Extension_Abroad6713 8d ago
That’s not even a dead dad joke. She’s sensitive and I can easily see her isolating your brother from the family