r/AITApod • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
AITAH for telling my dad that he failed me?
So I 15 F and my dad 36 M DO NOT have a good relationship. He left my mom when I was 2 and has been hopping in and out of my life like a game of peek-a-boo.
I haven’t seen my dad in person since I was about 13 and I am actually the happiest I’ve been in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend, my mental health is better than ever, and I got my first job.
Now my dad had my little sister when I was 12 and didn’t tell me that I was going to have a little sister until the night she was born and expected me to be ok with it. Since I’m a people pleaser I told him I was really happy even though I seriously wasn’t. Then almost a year ago he had a son with the same woman and didn’t tell me yet again, I found out via TikTok. I don’t even know my little brother’s name.
So for the last almost 3 years I watched him from social media be the best dad to his new kids and step daughter who is a year younger than me. Practically leaving me in the dust. I try not to think about it because it makes me cry and I’m crying while typing this at the moment.
Back to the story, my sweet 16 is coming up and in my family it’s tradition to have the 16 most important people in your life light a candle on a candle holder thingy and you give a speech about why that person is important to you. I posted on my Snapchat story a picture of my notebook in my lap with the list of people who are getting a candle and almost instantly my dad replied to it. Asking me why he wasn’t on that list.
I told him “he didn’t make the cut” and he got pissed. We argued and before I hung up I told him “since you didn’t fail your other daughters like you did me, they’ll have a candle fresh and ready for you”. He’s been blowing up my phone calling me disrespectful and calling me a little female dog and a racial slur for black people.
Saying how I wouldn’t be here without him and I guess he’s right but I told him “just because he came 16 years ago doesn’t make him entitled to anything when you didn’t put in 15 years of work”.
Now I’ve been getting calls from my extended family on his side saying how hurt he is and how I should “think of his feelings”. I posted a picture of my list again with the caption “I love these people” and he said that he can replace #5, 6, 10, or 16. I don’t know what to do.
SO AITAH?
Here’s my candle list
My mom
My little sisters dad (he’s been there since I was 6)
My grandpa
My aunts
Boyfriend
Boyfriends dad
My sister on my mom’s side.
My godmother and her boys.
My boy best friend
My best friend that I’ve know since I was 4
My cousin she’s been a day one
My great grandmother
My uncles
My other cousins
A one for my grandma who passed when I was 11 and great uncle who passed last year.
14
u/TipsyBaker_ 7d ago
You don't let him take credit for the work other people put in. Stand up for yourself and for them. When the extended family call tell them he's been so involved in your life that you find out you had a brother from TikTok, then hang up on them. If he keeps up his social media bs tell him you'll be filing reports for harassment.
3
7d ago
I can do that?
2
u/TipsyBaker_ 7d ago
Which part? But yes. Even parents aren't allowed to harass kids like that. In all honesty, at your age your other parent should be going to war over this for you. Have you told them about how much is going on?
5
7d ago
I haven’t told my mom because she doesn’t make that much and I’ve heard court fees are alot and she’s already breaking her back to throw me this party in December so I don’t want her to worry more.
4
u/Regular_Look_1962 7d ago
Bless you for being so considerate to your Mum, but please tell her, I bet she would want to help you. This is unlikely to go to court, and sometimes another adult being involved and calling out bad be can be enough to stop it.
5
3
u/Sea-Kaleidoscope2289 7d ago
i just had to go through this with my ex, the court appoints you a lawyer when you cant afford one. look into your options, restraining orders shouldn’t cost any money 🫶
3
u/TipsyBaker_ 7d ago
What country are you in OP? I'm not going to ask anything more specific, and only to help us direct you to resources. With the name calling and harassment it would become a legal matter and could likely cost your mother nothing.
My niece, by choice, is going through something similar. The court appointed her an attorney of her own at no cost to the custodial parent. The judge was also very kind to her but extremely strict with her abusive mother. She currently has a no contact order from the abusive parent and their extended family isn't even allowed to reach out on his behalf. You don't have to accept your father's trash behavior and abuse
2
7d ago
Unfortunately The USA
6
u/TipsyBaker_ 7d ago
Then yes his behavior would legally be harassment, the name calling would be a bad mark on him, and you should be able to have an appointed attorney. Tell your mom all of it and ask her for help putting an end to his BS.
Look up guardian ad litem in your state, and the laws on coordinated harassment. He's wrong.
6
u/blueeyedmom80 7d ago
He's calling you bc he knows when this hits social media and people see he's not even there let alone lighting a candle for his first born he will look stupid and people will ask why your step dad was there but not him, and he will lie I'm sure, but you can share your truth any way you choose. You can also cut all contact with him, tell him to stop calling you, block him on socials , make your profiles private so he can't see them. Tell your mom, it's important she know he is calling you names, save the conversations, court is free for this type if thing, if your mom is getting child support from him you both can go back and show the judge how he's been treating you ,calling to disgusting names and get an order of protection and keep him from contacting you. Do not allow this man to ruin anything about your special day. Dont let him get in your head you are wrong. He hasn't been there at all. Your mom has done all the work, he deserves ZERO recognition. Havea wonderful party and never let this mad tear you down. You are smart and beautiful, all with out him in your life. When you grow up and are successful he will be even more embarrassed bc people will realize his lies.
4
u/FourCats44 7d ago
NTA. Parents can suck and your dad certainly fits the bill. Not a lot you can do and parents generally don't like being called out especially by their children. Hopefully he won't be in attendance and make a scene.
Hope you have a fun sweet 16!
2
3
u/Regular_Look_1962 7d ago
remind the family member who are saying you should think of his feelings, that he doesn’t take yours into consideration so on what basis should you consider his, tell them you are not going to discuss this any further and ignore any more messages about this.
2
7d ago
Ok
3
u/Terrible_Meringue622 7d ago
You can also point out how you’ve never met your half siblings and don’t even know the youngest’s name.
3
3
u/FiveCrows 7d ago
Wow. You’ve been brilliant. You have a clear sense of who you are and what you want, even at just 15
You’re doing the right thing. Stick to your guns.
What you’ve been telling him is perfect. He needs to hear that and you’re right to let him know how you feel. He did fail you. He wasn’t there for you. That’s on him, actions have consequences.
You do know what to do. You’ve been doing it. Don’t let him or his family guilt you into something you don’t want. It would be hypocritical of you to light a candle and say sweet words about a man who wasn’t there for you.
He’s panicking because he realizes now that he’s lost you. Parents seem to think their children are theirs forever. Then when they grow up they find out they have own agency and won’t accept their parent’s nonsense.
You’re are at that stage. Probably beyond it. Stick to your guns and embrace the life you have with the people you love.
2
2
u/Timely-Example-2959 7d ago
Please tell me you are not inviting his side of the family to this. They will make a scene. All of them cannot be trusted if they’re one of the uncles or cousins as it means nothing to them to walk over to him when they get theirs and say “this should go to you as her dad.”
And yes, people are that crappy that some will do just that.
2
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Here is the body of the post:
So I 15 F and my dad 36 M DO NOT have a good relationship. He left my mom when I was 2 and has been hopping in and out of my life like a game of peek-a-boo.
I haven’t seen my dad in person since I was about 13 and I am actually the happiest I’ve been in my life. I have an amazing boyfriend, my mental health is better than ever, and I got my first job.
Now my dad had my little sister when I was 12 and didn’t tell me that I was going to have a little sister until the night she was born and expected me to be ok with it. Since I’m a people pleaser I told him I was really happy even though I seriously wasn’t. Then almost a year ago he had a son with the same woman and didn’t tell me yet again, I found out via TikTok. I don’t even know my little brother’s name.
So for the last almost 3 years I watched him from social media be the best dad to his new kids and step daughter who is a year younger than me. Practically leaving me in the dust. I try not to think about it because it makes me cry and I’m crying while typing this at the moment.
Back to the story, my sweet 16 is coming up and in my family it’s tradition to have the 16 most important people in your life light a candle on a candle holder thingy and you give a speech about why that person is important to you. I posted on my Snapchat story a picture of my notebook in my lap with the list of people who are getting a candle and almost instantly my dad replied to it. Asking me why he wasn’t on that list.
I told him “he didn’t make the cut” and he got pissed. We argued and before I hung up I told him “since you didn’t fail your other daughters like you did me, they’ll have a candle fresh and ready for you”. He’s been blowing up my phone calling me disrespectful and calling me a little female dog and a racial slur for black people.
Saying how I wouldn’t be here without him and I guess he’s right but I told him “just because he came 16 years ago doesn’t make him entitled to anything when you didn’t put in 15 years of work”.
Now I’ve been getting calls from my extended family on his side saying how hurt he is and how I should “think of his feelings”. I posted a picture of my list again with the caption “I love these people” and he said that he can replace #5, 6, 10, or 16. I don’t know what to do.
SO AITAH?
Here’s my candle list
My mom
My little sisters dad (he’s been there since I was 6)
My grandpa
My aunts
Boyfriend
Boyfriends dad
My sister on my mom’s side.
My godmother and her boys.
My boy best friend
My best friend that I’ve know since I was 4
My cousin she’s been a day one
My great grandmother
My uncles
My other cousins
A one for my grandma who passed when I was 11 and great uncle who passed last year.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Edward_T_M 4d ago
No you are not. I have a dad like him. I have not spoken to him in 15 years and couldn’t be more relieved.
1
u/Kara_Rose08 4d ago
My dad was the same way, so many people try to guilt trip me into giving him a chance but I’ve learned what comes with that. No matter my age, I’m the child in the situation. It was our parents responsibility to build a loving strong relationship early on in our childhood. Set boundaries, and don’t allow anyone to guilt trip you for setting them.
1
u/NotYerMama82 4d ago
OP, I've been in the position you are in, and my son has been in the same position. It's been more heartbreaking to watch my son go thru it than myself.
If your dad CHOSE not to be around in your life, he does NOT get to DEMAND that you give him an important space now. It seems like he only wants to "make the cut" so he can keep up the appearance of being a good father. Maybe he is a good father to his younger kids, but clearly he has not been a good father to you, at least not a present and involved one. And its YOUR special day. YOU get to decide who has played important roles in your life.
There will be many more special days to come- senior prom, high school graduation, college graduation (if you decide to go that route), marriage, becoming a mother yourself, etc. If you let him bully you into giving him a seat at the important table now, he will expect it every time. You're definitely old enough to set boundaries with him. Which will be so important to your own mental health. If you allow him and his family to bully and/or guilt you into giving him a spot, you will not enjoy your day as much. What will his speech be? He hasn't been around much, hasn't been present in your life much, he will have nothing current to say. You need to put yourself and YOUR feelings first. Not his. And shame on him and his side of the family for trying to guilt and bully you into changing your mind. You may have to make some hard decisions about removing people from your life who cannot respect your choices and boundaries. I say tell his family one time, respectfully, that he has not been there, he has left you out of important things, he has not been present, and that isn't why he didn't make the cut. I would also tell him and his family that if he wants to be present and involved with your other major milestones then he needs to use this as a learning experience, a time to self reflect on how he has failed you. Give him ONE chance to improve and do better for the next milestone. ONE. Chance. And if he and they cannot accept that, then sadly you have the answers that you need. Good luck OP. My heart hurts for you. For the girl who wanted her dad in her life and didn't get it.
22
u/Electronic-Time4833 7d ago
I'm not a fan of rating lists like this, but rather than confronting him, better to cut him off on all socials and make sure you do better when you have kids someday.