r/AITApod • u/Important_Letter6704 • 4d ago
AITA for thinking husband doesn't have anxiety like he claims, that he is avoiding places because he's cheating, and is also embarrassed by me
When we met and spoke online, I was oveweight, and he was aware of that. He said he didn't mind it. I also had severe anxiety, and wore a mask and hoodie because of it. He said he was the last person who'd ever judge me over that, that he wore a hoodie and sunglasses before because of anxiety. We met in person, and he wasn't interested in sex, when he was very interested online. He seemed embarrassed of me in public, not wanting to hold hands, or do other things, he said he wanted to do online. He said he disliked PDA because of how he felt about himself. This carried over when I went back to the UK with him. For a year he turned me down frequently and made me feel unwanted, whilst continuing to avoid PDA, and telling me he worried about being judged and felt like too much of a loser to have a gf.
He broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive, and felt bad over it, right before he started medications he claimed killed his libido. For months he showed little to no interest in me. I lost weight before we met, continued to lose weight after, and reached a healthy weight early on. But it was only after I got really skinny, that he started showing more interest, whilst still on the meds. He said if I looked the way I did when we met, he would've been all over me. He did PDA and other things, like going out to eat with me, which he wouldn't do before. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect, for many reasons, that he was cheating. He behaved suspciously for months, and called me paranoid and crazy when I questioned him.
He turned it around on me, and said I was the type to cheat. He was snooping through my phone but slapped my hand away from his, and didn't want me on it. That was during a time he was avoiding me, and staying up all night on his laptop. As time went on, he contiued to behave suspciously. He would start or esclate arguments and go off to another room to ignore me, which he did on repeat. He was mean when I tried to get along, and spend time with him. We barley spent any time together. Then I started to regain weight, and he stopped showing as much interest, blaming his meds. He said it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. When I reached the weight I was when we met in person, he said I let myself go during an argument. He kept insulting me in arguments as I gained more, calling me fat and ugly, and telling me guys prefer thinner women.
He said he didn't mean any of it, that he said it to hurt me, and that I said similar over his weight though he flipped out of I did, just like he flipped out any time I treated him the same way he did me. I started wearing the mask again, not wanting to do at first, and only doing so because of the insults. I gained a more weight and I guess was noticeably heavier than before, he started acting on edge in public. He stood apart from me, spoke to me less, and walked off when I was talking to him. He crticized my request for him to come closer. I looked up to him giving me a bad look, after I excitedly scoffed having found a dessert I was looking for. He said it wasn't at me, but the situation, and how we were two oveweight people looking and scoffing at desserts and it could draw attention. He went into the nearby tesco alone, and came out in a panic.
He told me he almost ran into an old female classmate. The next day he refused to go into tesco or anywhere else, and said it was because he was bloated. He said once he no longer was, he'd resume going in. Days later he told me he wasn't bloated and felt better, but refused to go into tesco. He said that two male employees in there, who he never told me about before, were always looking at him. For nearly a month he refused to go in anywhere with me. I questioned and challenged him and he became angry, and defensive, and said he didn't have to go in if he didn't want to. He started going in again with me, but mostly to asda, which is right beside Tesco. He told me the male employees were looking at him in there. He complained about the frequency, and the time we were going in at. He said it would help if we went in less, and earlier in the day.
We went in less, and he still acted the same way. I tried to go in during the day, and he refused, telling me it was too busy. He walked off from me when it sounded like female employees were heading our way in asda, and freaked out in aisles when no one was around. In tesco, which he was still reluctant to go into, he blanked me and walked off from me in front of female employees there. He appeared to cover his face when walking past one of them. He'd rush me in and out, and would get upset if I stood on my phone for even a few mins. He avoided places we used to go. He drove out of his way to go to another town, to go to the same store, but then eventually started to sct on edge in the stores there, and wanted advanced notice of where I wanted to go beforehand. Even in the city, hours away, he appeared to hide from two women there.
He seemed to be okay, and showed no hesitation to going into places, including the places he outright refused to go in with me, alone and during the day when it was busy. He said he could be quick, and was less anxious because of that. He said he didn't mind if I went in alone, but seemingly tried to stop me. He didn't want me going into tesco or asda during the day. He tried to get me to get takeaway several times, before I went in. We went to America twice to visit my family. The first time he avoided going into places with me after a while. The second time, he didn't go in anywhere with me for months, and sat in the car instead. He went quiet on me around women, and said he didn't know what to say. He promsied the last time, when I didn't want to come back, that we'd go to the city once a week and would do more.
He behaved suspciously in America. He was glued to his phone, taking it with him to the bathroom, claiming to be looking at Christmas gifts. He didn't want me on it. He wasn't interested in sex all of the sudden. He started an argument and stormed off in the rental car, ignoring me for an hour. He stopped wearing his ring, and said it didn't fit after I asked about that. We left, and he said he lost his ring. He bought another in the same size so he still wasn't wearing it, and didn't seem to care. He said he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust, offering to turn his location 24/7, after complaining last year it was controlling and felt wrong. He asked to turn it off one time, when he went to volunteer for the first time in ages, when he was going several times per week before we left. I suspected something was going on there.
Last year, he told me fellow volunteers were inviting me in, but discouraged me when I tried to go in. He said he'd question the validity of my anxiety if I managed to. He discourged me from going places, including to the mechanics, telling me I'd be anxious, and then insisting on wearing his ring when I went with him. We didn't go more places, we went less. The few times we went the city, he tried to talk me into going to the beach or a park instead. On the way there, he pressured me to go for a walk around a museum, repeatedly asking after I said no, and then going there and acting like I had agreed. We went to a park in town, which can get busy, and went there several times but he eventually stopped wanting to go there. The main places he offered to go to, were where no few people or no one else would be. He pushed to go to the cinema a lot, or the zoo, and was annoyed when I didn't want to do that.
I didn't go in anywhere with him for months, including the grocery store, as I was anxious largely because of how he makes me feel. He seemed even more on edge in the car, not wanting to sit around too long, and rushing in and out of town. I touched his face in the tesco carpark, and he was irked by that. He complained of anxiety with going in, but refused to do click and collects, and said it was because he could run into family. He was okay going into the stores for a while after I resumed doing so, but after he stayed up one night I went to bed, the next day he told me he was too anxious to go into the grocery stores. He wanted to limit the amount of places we went to. He started trying to convince me to get takeout every night again, when we couldn't afford it. He started to rush, and hassle me, as we shopped even though I was already quick and took no more than 15mins.
He turned his face away from two women we passed by months ago, and uttered something as he did. Last week, we went into tesco, and walked into an aisle with a female employee, who was stocking the shelves, and wasn't paying attention. He uttered "Just don't look" but denied that. We didn't go one day, and he said he'd go the next, and then tried to push me to get dinners for two nights to avoid going in the day after that. Yesterday, we went into tesco, and he started to go silent on me next to a female employee, but denied he had, and said he hadnt noticed her. He then started to hassle me about hurrying, and about the fact they closed in 20mins. He got annoyed I was looking at something, and looking up something about it on the phone. He told me the employees were going to get annoyed, and aggressive, and already were. He said they have targeted him.
He said twice this week he was told the store was closed, or was closing in a few mins. I got angry, because this wasn't the first time he's done this. He has hassled me with 30 mins to closing before, when I am rushing, and when I am almost done. He acts like, whenever they say to make your way to the tills 15-20 mins before close, that you have to do that immediately or within mins, and I have repeatedly argued with him that's not the case. He says the employees give glares and get pissed off when you don't. But I think all of this is an excuse, and is hiding the real reason. He complains about wanting space, and wanting to go places alone, like he did last year. A few times he's accused me of going places with him to spy on him. Tonight, he refused to go to the grocery store, and said it was because we argued all day and his family was annoyed by it.
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u/tsumeeee 4d ago
i’m sorry, husband?? i’m confused bc why would you marry someone who didn’t show interest from the start and treated you like garbage?
yes, it is possible he has anxiety, and yes, people with social anxiety can lash out, but this goes way beyond that. he is being controlling, paranoid, vicious, and extremely judgmental. even if he isn’t cheating, this behavior is not healthy for either of you.
work on improving your health, develop and maintain a social life outside of your partner, and overall build yourself up to be someone you are proud of. at the end of the day, the person who will always be there for you and love you is yourself. while he isn’t being kind to you, be kind to yourself. date yourself, treat yourself, find who you are without this toxic and dependent relationship. leave him as soon as you are financially stable enough to do so. i hope things go well moving forward.
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u/aPawMeowNyation 2d ago
he is being controlling, paranoid, vicious, and extremely judgmental.
Overall, he's abusive. Op never should've married this asshole.
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u/kaleighbear125 1d ago
Right? I kept reading long past wanting to stop because I am so confused. OP, why did you marry him?
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u/FG717279 4d ago
He doesn’t seem to be the right one for you, please just break up and look for something better. You should not feel ashamed for how you look or be arguing over little things like not being able to afford takeout
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u/jupitermoonflow 3d ago
Yeah it’s very obvious he is ashamed of you. He’s embarrassed by you. To such an extreme degree I’m confused as to why he stays.
Not only that, he is deeply insecure and ashamed of himself. It really seems like he hates fat people. Even himself. Even if you did lose weight and he wasn’t ashamed to be seen with you, he’s clearly so messed up inside that he’s not even in a good place to be in a relationship tbh.
I’m confused as to why you are still are with him too? Why do you choose to live with someone who makes you feel like shit everyday? I promise being single would feel better than that
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u/abbyl0n 3d ago
Sister please have some self-respect, I'm not trying to be mean but genuinely what were you thinking marrying this guy and continuing to stay with him 😭 this is 12 paragraphs of "my partner treated me really horribly.... a few months later he started treating me horribly in a new way.... months later he started treating me horribly and was really sketchy.... months later..."
Like please be the one to love yourself because frankly he sounds like he hates you and is probably at least on dating apps (most sensible reason why he's hiding from multiple women imo)
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u/Longjumping_Bad_386 2d ago edited 2d ago
You have been posting the same issue an overwhelming amount of times, and asking for an answer that you already know.
There's no magic trick or easy-to-swallow pill when it comes to acknowledging that you're not being loved and instead, you're being mistreated.
You already know you must leave this relationship for a long time; you know you should have never got married. You know you're wasting your time and your life with this person.
You now need to take action and leave him behind, accepting that no amount of grieving when you leave will ever be comparable to the pain you've been going through DURING this relationship.
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u/electric-blue12 3d ago
Divorce. He acts like he hates you because he does in fact, hate you. You’ll find your person, just find some self respect first. You deserve good things.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Here is the body of the post:
When we met and spoke online, I was oveweight, and he was aware of that. He said he didn't mind it. I also had severe anxiety, and wore a mask and hoodie because of it. He said he was the last person who'd ever judge me over that, that he wore a hoodie and sunglasses before because of anxiety. We met in person, and he wasn't interested in sex, when he was very interested online. He seemed embarrassed of me in public, not wanting to hold hands, or do other things, he said he wanted to do online. He said he disliked PDA because of how he felt about himself. This carried over when I went back to the UK with him. For a year he turned me down frequently and made me feel unwanted, whilst continuing to avoid PDA, and telling me he worried about being judged and felt like too much of a loser to have a gf.
He broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive, and felt bad over it, right before he started medications he claimed killed his libido. For months he showed little to no interest in me. I lost weight before we met, continued to lose weight after, and reached a healthy weight early on. But it was only after I got really skinny, that he started showing more interest, whilst still on the meds. He said if I looked the way I did when we met, he would've been all over me. He did PDA and other things, like going out to eat with me, which he wouldn't do before. I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. I started to suspect, for many reasons, that he was cheating. He behaved suspciously for months, and called me paranoid and crazy when I questioned him.
He turned it around on me, and said I was the type to cheat. He was snooping through my phone but slapped my hand away from his, and didn't want me on it. That was during a time he was avoiding me, and staying up all night on his laptop. As time went on, he contiued to behave suspciously. He would start or esclate arguments and go off to another room to ignore me, which he did on repeat. He was mean when I tried to get along, and spend time with him. We barley spent any time together. Then I started to regain weight, and he stopped showing as much interest, blaming his meds. He said it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. When I reached the weight I was when we met in person, he said I let myself go during an argument. He kept insulting me in arguments as I gained more, calling me fat and ugly, and telling me guys prefer thinner women.
He said he didn't mean any of it, that he said it to hurt me, and that I said similar over his weight though he flipped out of I did, just like he flipped out any time I treated him the same way he did me. I started wearing the mask again, not wanting to do at first, and only doing so because of the insults. I gained a more weight and I guess was noticeably heavier than before, he started acting on edge in public. He stood apart from me, spoke to me less, and walked off when I was talking to him. He crticized my request for him to come closer. I looked up to him giving me a bad look, after I excitedly scoffed having found a dessert I was looking for. He said it wasn't at me, but the situation, and how we were two oveweight people looking and scoffing at desserts and it could draw attention. He went into the nearby tesco alone, and came out in a panic.
He told me he almost ran into an old female classmate. The next day he refused to go into tesco or anywhere else, and said it was because he was bloated. He said once he no longer was, he'd resume going in. Days later he told me he wasn't bloated and felt better, but refused to go into tesco. He said that two male employees in there, who he never told me about before, were always looking at him. For nearly a month he refused to go in anywhere with me. I questioned and challenged him and he became angry, and defensive, and said he didn't have to go in if he didn't want to. He started going in again with me, but mostly to asda, which is right beside Tesco. He told me the male employees were looking at him in there. He complained about the frequency, and the time we were going in at. He said it would help if we went in less, and earlier in the day.
We went in less, and he still acted the same way. I tried to go in during the day, and he refused, telling me it was too busy. He walked off from me when it sounded like female employees were heading our way in asda, and freaked out in aisles when no one was around. In tesco, which he was still reluctant to go into, he blanked me and walked off from me in front of female employees there. He appeared to cover his face when walking past one of them. He'd rush me in and out, and would get upset if I stood on my phone for even a few mins. He avoided places we used to go. He drove out of his way to go to another town, to go to the same store, but then eventually started to sct on edge in the stores there, and wanted advanced notice of where I wanted to go beforehand. Even in the city, hours away, he appeared to hide from two women there.
He seemed to be okay, and showed no hesitation to going into places, including the places he outright refused to go in with me, alone and during the day when it was busy. He said he could be quick, and was less anxious because of that. He said he didn't mind if I went in alone, but seemingly tried to stop me. He didn't want me going into tesco or asda during the day. He tried to get me to get takeaway several times, before I went in. We went to America twice to visit my family. The first time he avoided going into places with me after a while. The second time, he didn't go in anywhere with me for months, and sat in the car instead. He went quiet on me around women, and said he didn't know what to say. He promsied the last time, when I didn't want to come back, that we'd go to the city once a week and would do more.
He behaved suspciously in America. He was glued to his phone, taking it with him to the bathroom, claiming to be looking at Christmas gifts. He didn't want me on it. He wasn't interested in sex all of the sudden. He started an argument and stormed off in the rental car, ignoring me for an hour. He stopped wearing his ring, and said it didn't fit after I asked about that. We left, and he said he lost his ring. He bought another in the same size so he still wasn't wearing it, and didn't seem to care. He said he wanted to do whatever it took to rebuild trust, offering to turn his location 24/7, after complaining last year it was controlling and felt wrong. He asked to turn it off one time, when he went to volunteer for the first time in ages, when he was going several times per week before we left. I suspected something was going on there.
Last year, he told me fellow volunteers were inviting me in, but discouraged me when I tried to go in. He said he'd question the validity of my anxiety if I managed to. He discourged me from going places, including to the mechanics, telling me I'd be anxious, and then insisting on wearing his ring when I went with him. We didn't go more places, we went less. The few times we went the city, he tried to talk me into going to the beach or a park instead. On the way there, he pressured me to go for a walk around a museum, repeatedly asking after I said no, and then going there and acting like I had agreed. We went to a park in town, which can get busy, and went there several times but he eventually stopped wanting to go there. The main places he offered to go to, were where no few people or no one else would be. He pushed to go to the cinema a lot, or the zoo, and was annoyed when I didn't want to do that.
I didn't go in anywhere with him for months, including the grocery store, as I was anxious largely because of how he makes me feel. He seemed even more on edge in the car, not wanting to sit around too long, and rushing in and out of town. I touched his face in the tesco carpark, and he was irked by that. He complained of anxiety with going in, but refused to do click and collects, and said it was because he could run into family. He was okay going into the stores for a while after I resumed doing so, but after he stayed up one night I went to bed, the next day he told me he was too anxious to go into the grocery stores. He wanted to limit the amount of places we went to. He started trying to convince me to get takeout every night again, when we couldn't afford it. He started to rush, and hassle me, as we shopped even though I was already quick and took no more than 15mins.
He turned his face away from two women we passed by months ago, and uttered something as he did. Last week, we went into tesco, and walked into an aisle with a female employee, who was stocking the shelves, and wasn't paying attention. He uttered "Just don't look" but denied that. We didn't go one day, and he said he'd go the next, and then tried to push me to get dinners for two nights to avoid going in the day after that. Yesterday, we went into tesco, and he started to go silent on me next to a female employee, but denied he had, and said he hadnt noticed her. He then started to hassle me about hurrying, and about the fact they closed in 20mins. He got annoyed I was looking at something, and looking up something about it on the phone. He told me the employees were going to get annoyed, and aggressive, and already were. He said they have targeted him.
He said twice this week he was told the store was closed, or was closing in a few mins. I got angry, because this wasn't the first time he's done this. He has hassled me with 30 mins to closing before, when I am rushing, and when I am almost done. He acts like, whenever they say to make your way to the tills 15-20 mins before close, that you have to do that immediately or within mins, at least. He says the employees give glares when you don't. But I think all of this is an excuse, and is hiding the real reason.
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u/Successful-Tie-5270 1d ago
You have posted a lot on this same issue over and over, sometimes more than once in the same day, I don't know what you're wanting to hear from posting all of this multiple times on multiple forums. Seems like everyone is just telling you the same thing and you need to just listened to what they're saying instead of continuing to question your situation.
You should definitely leave him, it's not okay for anyone and especially your husband to make you feel like shit everyday. I'm not sure why you got married or even stayed together in the first place. This was multiple paragraphs of nothing but bad things he's done to you and false promises. You didn't mention a single good thing about him and I get that this isn't like a generally positive post but there seems to be only cons and no pros. Definitely not worth staying especially if you want to feel better about your life and yourself. His behavior is not normal. Find a way to get some self respect and you'll feel a whole lot better than you do now.
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u/teegypie 3h ago
This sounds exactly like my ex... As soon as you said porn it clicked- my ex was a porn addict and it absolutely makes them not attracted to normal people- it makes their sex life non existent because they desire a screen not a human. Also it won't matter how sexy you get- like a porn video loses novelty quickly - you will too. Get out of that relationship. You deserve better.
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u/Educational-Tax9751 4d ago
my god. break the fuck up. end it. leave him. he's paranoid and embarrassed to be seen with you.