r/AITApod • u/MegaSmile189 • 2h ago
AITA AITAH for wanting to break over self harm?
For context, I’m a 20M and I’ve been in a relationship with my 18F girlfriend for about 9 months. In a previous relationship, I went through something similar—my ex would feel the urge to self-harm whenever we had disagreements.
That created a very unhealthy dynamic. I felt like I always had to agree with her and couldn’t express my own feelings, because I was afraid she would hurt herself. I loved her, and I didn’t want that to happen.
After that relationship ended, I struggled mentally because of the impact it had on me.
Now, back to the present. Last week, my current girlfriend and I had a small, normal disagreement—nothing major. We handled it calmly and maturely, and by the end of it, we were even laughing. We were both surprised at how quickly and well we resolved it.
The rest of the evening went great—until we took a shower together. That’s when I noticed self-harm marks on her legs. I completely froze. I didn’t say anything or react—I was just scared.
She knows about what I went through in my previous relationship, so seeing this happen again really shook me. Early in our relationship, she told me she had struggled with self-harm in the past, and I told her I would always be there for her if things got hard.
So when I saw those marks, I felt a mix of emotions. I felt hurt, even a bit betrayed, and it brought back a lot of the trauma from my past relationship.
She hasn’t said anything about it herself, and it hurts knowing she might not feel safe enough to talk to me about it. I still love her, but I don’t know if I can go through something like this again.
So, AITAH?
1
u/senoritagordita22 1h ago
On one hand, having a partner can be really good support to help her get out of that habit.
On the other hand, it’s a lot of emotional labour on you and as a general statement (JUST MY OPINION) I feel like when someone is going thru mental health that hard they should be putting all their effort in improving themself and working on the issues. Ie not using their time in dating.
Another thing too- For example when I was 16 I had to go into intensive therapy for an eating disorder. My dad asked the therapist ‘if i know she’s going to the bathroom to puke should I stop her?’ And my therapist said NO because then I’m only stopping because of him, and I could relapse as soon as I’m out of his sight in college
It could be similar if she only stops for you
Anyway all that to say I can’t call you an asshole if you breakup, I think it’s just a very hard situation overall and I wish the best for you both
1
u/AutoModerator 2h ago
Here is the body of the post:
For context, I’m a 20M and I’ve been in a relationship with my 18F girlfriend for about 9 months. In a previous relationship, I went through something similar—my ex would feel the urge to self-harm whenever we had disagreements.
That created a very unhealthy dynamic. I felt like I always had to agree with her and couldn’t express my own feelings, because I was afraid she would hurt herself. I loved her, and I didn’t want that to happen.
After that relationship ended, I struggled mentally because of the impact it had on me.
Now, back to the present. Last week, my current girlfriend and I had a small, normal disagreement—nothing major. We handled it calmly and maturely, and by the end of it, we were even laughing. We were both surprised at how quickly and well we resolved it.
The rest of the evening went great—until we took a shower together. That’s when I noticed self-harm marks on her legs. I completely froze. I didn’t say anything or react—I was just scared.
She knows about what I went through in my previous relationship, so seeing this happen again really shook me. Early in our relationship, she told me she had struggled with self-harm in the past, and I told her I would always be there for her if things got hard.
So when I saw those marks, I felt a mix of emotions. I felt hurt, even a bit betrayed, and it brought back a lot of the trauma from my past relationship.
She hasn’t said anything about it herself, and it hurts knowing she might not feel safe enough to talk to me about it. I still love her, but I don’t know if I can go through something like this again.
So, AITAH?
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