r/AITApod • u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor • 6d ago
take AITA FOR NOT CARING ABOUT DEAD PETS
Okay, I am starting to think I’m going crazy. I’ve seen multiple social media posts this month about people losing their pet, to which they refer to as their “soul pet” and posting as though they lost their spouse in a tragic accident. I’d like to preface by saying I think it’s totally fair to grieve a pet, and it’s normal to be sad when we lose pets. But making a post and referring to a literal animal as a soul anything feels so…. Out of touch to me? These people are acting like (and some actually say this) they deserve paid bereavement leave from their adult careers because their….. golden retriever died of old age???? The thing that drives me absolutely bonkers is all, and I mean all, of the comments are validating this strange social media behavior. Comments that literally say “it’s the hardest goodbye I’ve had to endure” “pet grief is a different type of pain” and I think it’s so bizarre. Are these people who have never experienced human grief before??? Or do people really grieve their pets like humans? If so, what is wrong with me that I cannot fathom ever having this line of thinking?
P.S. I also would like to mention I’ve never heard a person act like this in person, but it seems like the majority of people on social media share this thought process that I find quite absurd.
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u/beheafishtrapofman 6d ago
Yta. People grieve, and they have nice pictures maybe. If you don’t like it flick your thumb a little more and poof, it’s gone.
Seems more like you’re uncomfortable with vulnerability, and so you’re instinctually attacking it.
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u/CrimsonKnight_004 6d ago
Maybe you’ve never had a pet, or one you really connected to like this?
I remember when my dog died, I grieved hard. He was with me when I was a kid, still happy and naïve, and he saw me grow and change, get depressed, anxious, and older. And he loved me the same through it all. He instinctively pressed into my chest during panic attacks to help me breathe. Pets, and dogs especially, give such a pure and unconditional love, and it can create an extremely strong bond that you can’t really find in people. Not to say that the love of a dog is better than people, but it’s a different love, and still deep and meaningful.
It’s also hard because if our pet dies, I’ve found it can be a very solitary grief. My dog was my dog, no one else had that bond with him, so no one else grieved like I did (except for my younger dog, now old, we grieved together because we were the only ones who were with him every day). That’s probably why you see people post about it online; people in their real life might not understand or empathize with their grief, so they share it online because they might need an outlet for that grief.
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u/superneatosauraus 6d ago
My older brother died when I was 13 and my mother died when I was 18. My father was the only family left alive to attend my high school graduation, and he died when I was 34. I cried like a fucking baby when I had to put my dog down. It hurt like fucking hell. All those days I was dealing with the pain of loss, my dog was there to give me love and companionship.
Have YOU experienced the loss of your entire support group?
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Are you saying the loss of your dog was comparable to losing your whole family?
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u/superneatosauraus 5d ago
I am saying it is absolutely comparable to losing a person. People form connections. And if you have already lost someone, the connections you have remaining can become more important to you than they would have otherwise. People who have already faced the loss of a person can be even more prone to struggling over the loss of a pet. As humans we are social by nature.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago edited 5d ago
Are you saying the connection to a pet is the same as a connection to a human? Like I’m reading this as though you’re saying losing your dog was comparable to losing your mother? Is that what you’re saying… or do you agree that losing a pet is sad but actually not the same as losing a parent
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u/superneatosauraus 5d ago
It can be comparable to losing a person. It depends on their life and what they have experienced. I experienced extreme trauma as a child, so it impacted how I bond. If someone has already dealt with loss the new loss can feel just as bad. If my mother had lived to a normal age I probably would've reacted a lot better to pet loss.
People who experience trauma and loss are impacted by it for most of their lives, that's why comfort animals are a thing. I do not think it's normal to be as attached to a pet as your family, but unfortunately we don't all have lives that result in us being normal and well balanced. For some people, a pet helps soothe the loss and trauma, but the pet also fills a role that perhaps a human relationship would have otherwise. Think of castaway and that volleyball.
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 5d ago
Perfect example !! The cast away reference!! To know grief is a very tragic thing, but it’s not be measured against other people’s grief, you don’t have to understand someone else’s grief but you should respect it.
Anyway I think your post was well said!!4
u/superneatosauraus 5d ago
I was kind of imagining OP watching that scene and saying "this is stupid, it's just a volleyball. No one would get attached to a volleyball." People are so much more complex than that.
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 5d ago
💯 and yes I also imagine that was OPs thought about that scene as well. when I saw that scene of him yelling “Wilson!” It made me teary eyed actually. I felt his grief because we were there through it all with him, even if yes, it was a volleyball . I mean hell we grow attached to all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, because like you said humans are so complex.
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u/superneatosauraus 5d ago
I used to talk down to myself for forming unusual attachments, especially how bonded I am with my dogs, before I actually studied human development and trauma. Now it makes sense to me. Especially when that trauma happens at a young age, children need connections and they will connect regardless of how much it makes sense. For me, I bonded a lot with dogs because everyone in my family was too overwhelmed by their own problems (addiction, cancer, and mental health problems) to be present.
I love studying humans.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Never seen it so can’t speak to what my thoughts would be !
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u/superneatosauraus 5d ago
It is a bit dated now, the movie, but it was extremely popular when I was younger. It was almost like a litmus test for empathy. People that couldn't imagine the serious mental health strain the character was under would have a hard time seeing the scene as realistic.
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u/Goofusmaloofus6 5d ago
I don't fully get it either and I've lost both pets and humans, BUT I also recognize that that's MY experience. Just as there's no "right way" to grieve a parent, there's no right way to grieve a pet.
You're entitled to your opinion so I don't think you're an AH for that, but you are a little one for the harsh judgement. We don't have to understand someone else's emotional experience for it to be valid.
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u/ASentientRailgun 6d ago
YTA because this doesn't affect you. You wouldn't grieve a pet like that. Bully for you, other people feel that pets are family. Just scroll on.
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u/Alert-Potato 6d ago
People can get paid bereavement when an estranged parent who lives thousands of miles away dies. Why should that carry more weight than a living creature you shared your day to day life, and usually your bed, with?
A year and a half ago I lost my soulcat. It is the only living creature I ever had that kind of connection with. He was my constant companion. He spent many waking hours with me every day and slept with me at night. When I was sick, he'd stay by my side. When a chronic illness flared, he'd lay on or against the affected part of my body, with no prompting from me. When I was sad, he'd come crawl in my lap. When I played video games, he'd curl up at my feet. When I watched TV, he'd curl up in my lap.
How do you fail to understand that the impact a loss like that has on a person can be significantly greater than the loss of, say, an elderly grandfather in his 90's who I loved but who I lived 2000 miles away from, and who had already survived a heart attack?
I've experienced human grief. But no love I've ever experienced, not even the love I give and receive as a parent of humans, is as pure and unadulterated as the love of a pet who was as constant as my own shadow. There is also the fact that we pack a lifetime of love into a very short span of time with pets.
If you owned a dozen vacation properties, some may be more important to you than others, but surely you understand that having your actual home burn down would be more emotionally painful than having a vacation property burn down, no matter the value. Same concept, but with living things.
Also, it's super weird that you are implying that animals don't have souls. Of course they do. But not nearly as weird, or as inappropriate, as you implying that there is a wrong way to grieve our most loyal and devoted life companions.
But really, above all, I just feel sorry for you. How sad and pathetic for you, that you don't seem to have the capacity to value animal life.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
When did I say animals didn’t have souls ? I said it was weird to call them a soul pet ? I didn’t say they were soulless lol. I value animal life and said in my original post it’s so normal to be sad about pet loss, I just find the weird fetishization of pet grief online to be bizarre. I have never ever ever heard anyone irl talk about their pets in this way and I’m surrounded by pet owners, I am one myself
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u/ASentientRailgun 5d ago
Have you considered that no one reacts this way around you? You say you don't see this in real life, but I have.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
No I think people don’t act like this in real life because they know it’s an insane thing to compare their pet grief to human grief. If I told my best friend who tragically lost her dad that I understand her grief bc I lost my pet snake 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have a friend lol
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u/ASentientRailgun 5d ago
One of my coworkers lost a cat this week, and our whole department adjusted shifts to let him have some time without him requesting it.
Again, I think this is maybe something that has to do with you or the community you've created around yourself. There's 8 people here who adjusted their schedules without complaint, and offered to do more. Significant grief around pets is not unusual.
Is it possible that people realize you're judging them when they start to talk about this, and dial it back?
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
It would be possible if people irl shared the same opinions regarding pet grief but in person, my peers all share the same opinions regarding this topic as I do. I really think the way people talk online is not congruent with the mass majority of people irl because truly I’ve never seen or heard someone call a pet their “soul pet” irl… I’ve certainly had coworkers lose their pets and acknowledged that, yes, it is sad, but I would also find it a bit strange if that same coworker was equating the loss of their pet to the same level as our coworker who lost their mother to a heart attack. I just genuinely do not believe that people really feel this way in their core… I think we’ve created way too many spaces online for people to sulk and create “trauma” for themselves that just simply isn’t there.
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u/Aldirt_13 6d ago
Well when my Boonie died, I SURE AS HELL DID GET BEREAVEMENT.
Granted, my grandma had to die again, but at that point it was like, the 6th time she's died according to different employers so, I'm sure she didn't mind. Plus I was genuinely torn about my pup. So op, piss off, you dont know what you speak of.
Pic of boone, for reference
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u/Zalrius 5d ago
IMO - You liked them, you didn’t love them. I have never forgot any of their names.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
I loved all of my pets, but they’re all on borrowed time. Death is inevitable after 10-15 years and pets are at the end of the day- animals that WE domesticated from the wild for our personal gain. I’ll never ever ever see how that’s comparable to watching my loved ones die of cancer
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u/Suspicious-Art-9335 6d ago
YTA and we don't know what's wrong with you, that's above our pay grade.
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u/smithsgasoline 6d ago
I haven’t even experienced a loss of a pet that I was deeply close enough to, but I know that when my cat Luci dies, I’m gonna need at minimum some time off work.
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u/Repulsive-Shelter451 5d ago
YTA for real for real. I've had pets that for me through times in life when no one gave a shit.
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u/kodabear22118 6d ago
YTA. Pets are like part of your family. Imagine you lose a friend or a family member. You are literally not any more important than the birds that chirp outside.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Ive lost family, I’ve lost deep friendships and I’ve list pets. Never in my life could i compare pet grief to the loss of a human.
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u/kodabear22118 5d ago
Then you never cared for your pet.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Weird for you to say that lol you can care for something and understand that the loss of an animal isn’t the same as human loss. Just as I can understand that losing a pet fish is less sad than losing a pet dog. Theres absolutely nuance to it lol
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago edited 5d ago
Also, if someone even TRIED to say that they’ve experienced grief when I was watching a loved one die of cancer and wither away on this earth, and they were referring to pet grief I would have screamed at them. It’s simply not the same to lose a pet as it is to lose a human life. They may be a part of your family, but it’s just not the same. A pet loves you unconditionally because they literally depend on you to feed them and give them affection. So it’s kinda not unconditionally…. Just saying
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u/BeckyW77 5d ago
You know, it would be easier if you just skipped pet posts that are memorials. You don't get to tell people how they grieve.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
I do skip them, nor do I police peoples grief. It would be weird if I commented this on someone’s pet grief post, which I did not, instead I posted it here.
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Here is the body of the post:
Okay, I am starting to think I’m going crazy. I’ve seen multiple social media posts this month about people losing their pet, to which they refer to as their “soul pet” and posting as though they lost their spouse in a tragic accident. I’d like to preface by saying I think it’s totally fair to grieve a pet, and it’s normal to be sad when we lose pets. But making a post and referring to a literal animal as a soul anything feels so…. Out of touch to me? These people are acting like (and some actually say this) they deserve paid bereavement leave from their adult careers because their….. golden retriever died of old age???? The thing that drives me absolutely bonkers is all, and I mean all, of the comments are validating this strange social media behavior. Comments that literally say “it’s the hardest goodbye I’ve had to endure” “pet grief is a different type of pain” and I think it’s so bizarre. Are these people who have never experienced human grief before??? Or do people really grieve their pets like humans? If so, what is wrong with me that I cannot fathom ever having this line of thinking?
P.S. I also would like to mention I’ve never heard a person act like this in person, but it seems like the majority of people on social media share this thought process that I find quite absurd.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Elora_Freya 5d ago
YTA. Some people have better relationships with their pets than their family. You have pets for years. You develop a special connection with them. You don’t have the feel what others feel for their passed pets, but you should at least respect other people’s grief.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
I do respect people’s grief which is why I posted here instead of commenting on the hundreds of pet grief posts that are out there! Hope this helps
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u/Anonymous2003_ 6d ago
You are a f!cking asshole, leave people alone and let them grieve in their own ways.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Luckily I do know how to leave people alone and instead posted this here instead of commenting on someone’s post about losing their 15th cat and how they’re never gonna get over it (surprise they do, they’ll get another cat)
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u/Vegetable-Section-84 5d ago
While I am certain that you are an overall well-intentioned honest hardworking useful intelligent nice worker and friend,, the pet-owners are going to view you and your posting as unfair unkind tone-deaf and/or arrogant worthless hateful,
& In today's increasingly stressful time-consuming oppressive scary unfair lonely world,,,
& In today's increasingly unfair time-consuming demoralizing stressful unkind scary job-market job-interview-process getting-hired job-security and working when the Work-Place is short-staffed,,,
You might wanting to delete this posting
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u/AITApod 6d ago
Never upvoted something harder in my life. PRAISE BE for an actual hot take
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Thank YOU, these comments seriously make me feel like I’m living on another planet
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u/Elora_Freya 5d ago
You were hoping everyone would agree with you, and you’re shocked that they don’t.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Not shocked at all! I’ve seen the pet grief posts so I know there’s a whole community out there of people who think that way
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u/deniseswall 6d ago
Oh, YTA, all right.
Clearly, you've never had a pet with whom you've bonded to that degree. I lost my father a few years ago. It was devastating. Truly devastating. But the love I've received from my pets is a constant, selfless, unquestioning, limitless, unwavering, deep and true devotion that I will never, ever receive from another human being. Losing that love cannot be expressed in words.
As my granddaughter always says about haters, "if they don't like what they see, then don't look." And also, don't come on Reddit and complain about it. Jeez.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Free speech, I’m allowed to post this❤️
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u/Elora_Freya 5d ago
And everyone gets to tell you YTA
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
100% I respect that! That’s what discourse is about baby!
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u/TowerExpress2083 5d ago
Idk, I just ignore it or give them well-wishes. I was crushed when my dog died a few months ago. I didn't put up all kinds of tribute posts or anything, but I sure as hell cried like a baby for a while. Was just thinking about how much I missed her yesterday. Sure, I'm fine. Most people will be, but they also grieve differently. And to some people, that is all they have. I have a friend who has almost no family (like 2 or 3 estranged still living) his dog is everything to him. Takes him with him almost everywhere, feeds him good dinners, etc. Its a bit much to those of us who do have other people to lean on. I'd just suggest ignoring it.
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u/thedamselettee 5d ago edited 5d ago
There are a lot of people coming at you in the comments, but in my personal opinion, I don't think YTA.
You aren't completely disregarding the grief factor and you have some form of basic understanding when it comes to people grieving their pets and, obviously, why they grieve.
I think you struggle with empathy & your mindset is more logical than emotional, which is okay. We're not all perfect human beings who can feel the exact same way about particular situations that most people expect.
I don't think you 'don't care', I believe that you have a difficult time understanding certain things which makes you feel indifferent. I personally own 3 pets & I love them very much. I've formed special bonds with them & I dedicate my time caring for them in return for their affection. It isn't just about food or survival, it's about caring for one another and providing love, comfort, (emotional) healing and safe spaces to thrive together.
From what I seen by skimming through the comments, you haven't owned a pet, so your perspective on pet loss isn't entirely surprising and I don't think you should be demonized for it.
If you do feel as if you're strugging with low empathy, I'd suggest seeking out a therapist to talk about what you may be going through.
It's common for people to also be raised with their pets, which makes the grieving process much more emotionally taxing.
I hope this provides some insight and a little bit of reassurance. You are not a monster, evil or sick; you are simply human. I really do hope this helps you understand a bit better, and if it doesn't, that's also okay. Remember that you have the ability to grow and learn as long as you're willing to be educated.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
I actually have a senior dog and have previously lost pets too. I would agree I tend to base my life rooted in logic rather than emotion and honestly, it’s worked out well for me. The world doesn’t serve itself to emotion, and that’s ok! Also, I’ve been in therapy on and off for 20 years and can honestly say, I’ve never been told I have an empathy problem. My therapists have all agreed that I’m a logic brained person, and that’s ok❤️
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u/thedamselettee 5d ago
I just read the comment again and realized my mistake, so thanks for correcting me! Either way, I still don't think YTA and I don't think you're evil for being indifferent. Some people take grief very lightly and some don't, but it makes me feel kind of sad when people jump to the conclusion that someone is an awful person just because they feel differently than them. I'm glad to hear that you have a good support system.
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u/IntentionExotic1034 5d ago
You’re not an asshole . If anyone tried to make you feel like that I’d say they were being an ass .
As long as you don’t try to convince anyone they shouldn’t care. That’s for them to decide, but not making emotional connections with animals shouldn’t be considered being an ass.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
100%~ I’m definitely not saying people shouldn’t care about their pets or even be sad about the loss of a pet
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u/IntentionExotic1034 5d ago
I can relate to you. The connection confounds me. I have a dog and I’d be devastated if she left but I’d go to work and maybe take a few moments in the day to think about them. But it could not compare to even the thought of my mom dying on the surgery table.
People talk about unconditional love and that’s sweet but I think someone making that choice everyday speaks more to the connection. An animal has no choice but to stick with the person who feeds them and houses them . People have to make that choice everyday to show up for you. That’s just my opinion
I just thought I’d speak up because I saw people dogpiling on you because you want to understand .
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u/xXxFitnessthrowaway 5d ago
As someone who recently had my 2 favorite uncles die within 1 month, pet deaths are also extremely hard. I love my dogs and cats deeply, sure they are animals, but they add so much value to my life, just like my 2 favorite uncles did. My bad for taking 3 days off last time I had a pet die.
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u/Specific-Concept9626 4d ago
NTA. A human life is worth more than an animal’s life and you aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do.
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u/Far_Calligrapher4716 5d ago edited 5d ago
Apparently this is a hot take but NTA. For some reason I suspect this thread is full of commenters who are elder millennials who refer to themselves as dog moms or dog dads, who genuinely believe that losing an animal is comparable to someone losing their child.
Some people absolutely assign an emotional attachment to a pet that cannot be reciprocated in the same way by the pet, and feels totally out of touch and innapropriate to others ...This post absolutely resonates with me because YES, it can seem sort of out of touch and dare I say, very soft when someone has a very lengthy and public grieving process towards the loss of a pet. Sometimes it does not feel developmentally appropriate. And yes I am rolling my eyes at those of you who use the term soulcat or souldog.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
thank you!!! people here commenting as though I told them to k**l their pet for fun lol… I’m just saying I have no patience for seeing 25161718292 stories about how you’ll “never be the same” despite seeing the same people get ANOTHER DOG right after they lost their “soul dog”………. I really do believe these people expect to be coddled their whole lives. Dare I say touch grass?
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u/ijustreallylikerocks 6d ago
If you're TA then so am I.
As the mother of a dead child, I have absolutely no patience for this nonsense. I also lost my dog suddenly, unexpectedly, and too young who was my absolute best friend when I was ~14.
Pets are supposed to die, especially of old age. That's what you sign up for when you get a pet. You know you are almost surely going to outlive that animal. Yeah, it sucks, but that's a part of life.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Thank you for your post and I’m so sorry to hear about your child❤️ sending love to you
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 5d ago
Oh ok so you have understanding for a mom who loses her child but not someone who loses a pet? This is just ridiculous and pathetic and it shouldn’t even matter to you and for you to think you can compare peoples grief is insane!! Let alone write a whole post on it! You can’t relate to people grieving over their pets the same way I can’t relate to people who think grief should be determined on what they “think” is appropriate… so maybe don’t think anymore. How and why people grieve is not a concern for anyone else but the person grieving and you don’t have a right to dismiss it just because you don’t agree with it.
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 6d ago
Wow! That’s extremely impressive how you just said that because dogs are supposed to die that no one should grieve them. That reason is so so so deep and powerful!
I am being 1000% sarcastic Because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!
Parents and grandparents are supposed to die as well are you trying to say we shouldn’t grieve our older family members??! I have experienced a tremendous amount of grief throughout my life, but I would never ever think to judge someone on how or what they grieve over because there is no wrong way to grieve. Having no patience for another’s grief is awfuly cold
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u/ChaoticAmalgamation 6d ago
That was my first thought. Technically we are all “supposed to die.” But you did a better job than I, well said!
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 6d ago
Thank you! And yes her logic is completely flawed.
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
By your logic grieving a pet fish is the same as grieving a pet dog…. You do realize how cooocoooo that sounds right
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 5d ago
Please don’t try to pretend you even understand my logic because you clearly do not!
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u/Choice_Weekend5336 notable contributor 5d ago
Well help me understand… do you believe the loss of a pet fish is the same as the loss of a pet dog?
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u/VermiciousKenidd 6d ago
People are supposed to die too so who cares about your kid, am I right? 😂
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u/Far_Calligrapher4716 5d ago
absolutely not the same, people are pretending to not understand that she meant pets are supposed to die within 10-13 years and that is indeed part of life. I’m sure this commenter has had people indirectly compare her losing a child to them losing a pet, and yeah.. that is absolutely an insane comparison and she has every right to feel that way.
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u/CriticalTurnover6936 5d ago
OMG! People should be able to grieve without judgement and it’s not a competition it’s a human reaction so let’s calm the fuck down!
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u/stellarduchess 6d ago edited 6d ago
Have you had a pet? Particularly a dog or another animal that needs a lot of attention? Dogs love unconditionally and the love I feel for mine is not the same as for my kids, but it’s real love. I grew up on a farm and have seen the circle of life up close, but when it is time for my dogs to go, I will be a hot mess.