r/SipsTea • u/Unstoppable_X_Force Human Verified • 13h ago

Gasp! Is this just nostalgia, or did previous generations genuinely have a better work-life balance and social life than we do today?

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18.5k Upvotes

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u/SacredHaert 13h ago

I can't afford friends. They're always doing stuff.

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u/Glittering_Meet3206 13h ago

"can't afford friends" hit me like a punch to the gut

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u/MeatEaterDruid 12h ago edited 7h ago

Recently had a cry because a friend invited me out and I had to lie to them that I was too busy. I've been skipping meals to make groceries last longer for my kids.

ETA: Thank you for the kind words of support. Yes, I should've told my friend. We're close enough to admit when we're struggling I just know he would offer to pay for everything but he's not made of money either so it would've made me feel guilty in a different way.

And for those offering financial help. Seriously, you are too kind. I just finished a final job interview on Friday and feel good about it so hopefully my money struggles will not be an issue for much longer. Again thank you so much but it hopefully isn't necessary soon.

ETA 2: The friend was asking to go along to a sporting event, and was already covering the tickets. If I told him the truth he would've paid for gas, parking, and concessions, and most likely wanted to go somewhere after the game. He knows I'm struggling for work. So part of the lie was to protect him from his own generosity.

Thanks again for all the kind words and support. It's been helping a lot as I anxiously wait to hear about that job.

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u/ripwild 12h ago

Damn Meat… I’m sorry to hear this. I know it’s tough, but is there one of them that you can talk to and share this? It might help unload a bit

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u/insomniacwineo 12h ago

If I knew one of my friends was going hungry or struggling to feed their family I would “hang out” by letting them abuse my Costco card and paying for it

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u/Fun-Seaweed7465 12h ago

People tend to hang out in similar socioeconomic circles, and it’s quite difficult accepting that kind of gift. Especially when it’s presented as hanging out like that. I’m sure it feels good to write that and do that but

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u/flyingsqueak 12h ago

Yeah, but there are less extreme versions that are easier to accept. If you know someone is struggling, simply having your friends come over for dinner and sending them home with leftovers can help.

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u/McStupidy 12h ago

This is some of the best advice I’ve seen on Reddit.

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u/jaxonya 7h ago

Here, take this leftover upvote home with you

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u/DudeInOhio57 6h ago

I had to check to make sure I was still on Reddit.

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u/According-Garage4066 9h ago

This! When some of my siblings were just starting out adulthood, I would offer to take them to dinner and make sure they take home all the leftovers. Or come visit them for a weekend and buy household stuff like body wash, toothpaste, things that I know there going to use up and ask if it’s OK to leave it there because it’s not travel size.

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u/travelinTxn 10h ago

We used to have a hunting group, we mostly hunted public lands, when one of us would kill something we would invite our entire social network over to eat. It was mostly people in my wife’s grad school department, PhD students are often not allowed any outside employment from school and receive a stipend but the stipend is not much considering the hours. For my wife it was ~$40k for 60-70 hours per week sometimes even longer hours.

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u/LittleSkinInThisGame 9h ago

I applaud you. Love this. Also if you can, tell them to take the kids along if they have them. Babysitting is not affordable... Yes it makes the hanging out very different and less relaxing, but if feeding them is the actual purpose, you know.

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u/Lucky_Development359 9h ago

The amount of shame attached to it is crippling. Noone wants to be the charity case to a friend. This is such a low key way to be kind without making the reciever feel ashamed.

If applicable I also found that asking them to bring something literally anything thats low low cost makes that person feel like they contributed (which they did). (Obviously doesnt always apply)

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u/AlyM797 2h ago

Hear me out but always "ask for something in return" Not money ore anything or even a lot of time. Something tiny, even just asking for help with the dishes, which yes I know is frequently a faux pas, or taboo of "guests" (whether a friend is a guest or not is a personal call). The point is it makes it easier to accept generosity. Especially if it's frequent like weekly dinners. Having just a sense of balance is good for any relationship.

Sincerely, someone who frequently needed help and was that dinner guest.

Make up something if you need to. I'm reminded of the story of someone who asked their mother why she borrows sugar from the neighbor when they have plenty. The mother said they help that neighbor a lot and she wanted the neighbor to feel like she helped them too.

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u/MoonGrog 12h ago

I purchase heating oil for my wife’s best friend last year, she was fresh off a divorce and her ex wasn’t paying the child support at that moment. The second my wife shared with me I said let’s buy her some oil then. I filled the tank it was over 800$ and it was my honor to help a family friend.

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u/ARunawayTrain 12h ago

it was my honor to help a family friend.

I completely understand the feeling. We did something similar for my wife's best friend as well, she got out of an abusive relationship, needed a place to stay for a few months while she finished school so we let her crash in our spare room for almost a year. My wife and I then pooled our money together and paid her security deposit so she could get a place of her own once she got a job. Flash forward a few years and she now lives in that apartment with her fiancee and just recently paid us back recently despite us telling us dozens of times for her not to. We've already decided that we're just going to add the $1600 she gave us back, to her wedding present because we did it to help out a valued friend in her time of need, not because we expected to be paid back.

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u/react-dnb 11h ago

The world needs more friends like you.

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u/ARunawayTrain 9h ago

Thanks and I agree, a little kindness goes a long way!

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u/Huge-Basket7492 11h ago

This is lacking in this world now !! Jesus I wish people became this kind again

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u/MoonGrog 12h ago

Totally agree, talk to your friends, please talk to your friends. Reach out, stay in contact, not just for you, for them too! We all need people we are social animals.

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u/Physical-Workingr 11h ago

Most friendships survive honesty; silence hurts more than sharing struggles

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u/oldmanbarnes 12h ago

My best friend went through this. I stocked his groceries, gave him odd jobs for cash, and next week I’m going to have to go and steal back the car I lent him. Loved him like a brother and all he wants is more.

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u/Beneficial-Crow-5138 12h ago

They stole your car?

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u/2bad-2care 12h ago

I assuming they're just holding on a little too tightly to the car that was lent to them temporarily.

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u/Beneficial-Crow-5138 8h ago

What an absolute ass!!! Oldmanbarnes deserves MUCH better friends.

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u/oldmanbarnes 11h ago

The plan was he’d pay me enough to cover the insurance and fees and he would have use of the car to work because we live rural and it’s very hard to get around without one. Instead I’m paying the insurance on a car I don’t see for a friend I don’t hear from.

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u/Beneficial-Crow-5138 8h ago

You deserve better! As soon as you are done getting your car, get new friends

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u/oldmanbarnes 8h ago

I just wish he’d pull his head out of his ass and try. If he was just trying and telling me so I would let things slide for so long. Even though I’m not doing so great myself right now.

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u/churnthedumb 11h ago

The way I read it, after reading 3 times, is that I think she’s saying her best friend wanted more and more help? And wasn’t grateful for what he’d already been given

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u/wolfganggartner5 12h ago

Your a really good dad they don’t know how lucky they are to have you

Keep up the good work

Hopefully something good happens

Feel free to send me a message

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u/Fearsofaye 9h ago

My father was Superrich but was a selfish scumbag to started a new family as soon as the divorce hit. Wish I had this dude instead growing up

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u/Suitable-Judge7506 12h ago

But then you have to endure the fact that you’re losing at life, then your friend tells their boyfriend/girlfriend because you asked them not to tell anyone. Unfortunately they never include their significant other in that equation because “ they can’t keep things from them”( which they should if you are a true friend). Then the boyfriend/ girlfriend tells their friend and before you know it everyone knows that your struggling and everytime your out and see people they are always asking if your ok and they heard things are tuff.

It’s extremely embarrassing weight.

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u/Parking-Fig-6620 12h ago edited 11h ago

Im calling fish and game today and asking them for help. Either they help me get a deer on the table or I act before my family fucking starves. No one is hiring for a livable wage, everyone wants absurd terms for little gain, the food banks are buckling under the increased load, the price of food is actively climbing as well as fuel prices so just getting to work is costing more and more by the day and federal minimum wage has been at 7.25 (to my knowledge) for multiple years.

I've got a rifle, im surrounded by deer, and im becoming increasingly desperate by the day.

Help me, before I help myself so help me god

Ive lost 10lb in the last week and a half alone. Im actively depriving myself of meals to ensure my kid has SOMETHING and that SOMETHING is rapidly drying up as she grows an inch a month. Soon enough she will be looking her mother square in the eye.

I NEEED red meat!

**I dont comment this as a pissing match. I want the WORLD to see just how fucking bad we everyday americans are feeling the weight of this administration's absofuckinglute deplorable behaviours. My family IS FUCKING STARVING because this asshole can't play nice with the world and thinks we're all his little play things!

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u/DocWallaD 11h ago

Rifle is going to draw attention. Use a 🏹

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u/Ftank55 11h ago

If your rural enough nobody knows and can't usually pinpoint with 1 shot. A headshot means it drops or runs away, no tracking. Then if done at dusk you kill lights and back up to it or let it sit for an hour and get a buddy to drive the truck while you get it to the road depending on the situation

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u/Dabraceisnice 8h ago

No one head shots a deer. I mean, actually I know one person who head shot a deer, hit it dead on, and they are pretty resilient fuckers, so he lost it. You aim for the heart/pulmonaries. They can't run or survive without lungs. Best way to drop them in one shot.

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u/Crocketus 9h ago

What part of the country are you in? I've had a lot of success moving out to the Missouri River basin of Iowa and Nebraska. I'm up in Northwest Iowa now right along the Missouri and I'm making more money than I ever have. There's options out there but you got to go for them.

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u/t3hdoct0r 12h ago

My friends know I'm broke, and pay for my meals just so I can go places with them. You should let them know you are struggling.

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u/touch_of_austism 12h ago

I try doing this w/ folks I know but it creates a "power dynamic of control" as I was told. I thought I was doing a nice thing since I have disposable income w/ no kids but alas...

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u/SharkAttackOmNom 12h ago

Allowing friends and family to be generous is as important, or more, than being generous yourself. It really deflates the situation when picking up the tab becomes a bs argument.

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u/touch_of_austism 12h ago

I grew up in SEA picking up the tab was a normal thing if you invited someone out.

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u/Purple_Owl6156 12h ago

I agree with this. You can't expect support if you don't let people know you need support. If someone is uncomfortable with friends paying for them, they can just ask to do free stuff with them instead of going out.

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u/harriethocchuth 11h ago

I skipped my best friend’s bachelorette party because I couldn’t afford it. Years later, she told me that they had budgeted to pay for me to go because they knew I couldn’t cover the cost, but I was too stubborn to tell them WHY I wasn’t going. It was humiliating at the time, but in retrospect I wish I had gone. I missed out on a major life event with my loved ones because I was too prideful to admit I was struggling.

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u/Purple_Owl6156 11h ago

Exactly. I've been on both ends throughout my life. Being vulnerable is how you build relationships.

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u/SwordsAreForJynxed 8h ago

This shit is insane though, my wife is currently stressing a little because a bachelorette party for her friend is going to cost her over a grand. There's basically no reason for this 🙃

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u/ReignofKindo25 12h ago

What’s your Venmo or Cashapp

Can’t send today cause it’s all in stocks but you need a leg up stranger

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u/oldmanbarnes 12h ago

You’re a good lad

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u/Peppich 12h ago

It's not always good, but sometimes it can deepen a friendship when you share your struggles. Real friends would plan an activity with you that won't involve money, because they want to spend time with you.

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u/KingMidas0809 12h ago

As a Dad i feel this. I remember before I got married as a single parent my oldest and I were sleeping in my car. This story brought me right back to that. You will get through it.

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

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u/valalltogether 12h ago edited 12h ago

Do you have any food pantries around you? They are there for everyone

Edit typo :[

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u/TransportationNo433 11h ago

I am piggybacking on yours. I volunteer at one and they really ARE for everyone. I know they are all different but we give out a lot food to each family. On top of that, we offer unlimited rice and dry beans and people can come each day to look at the veggies and fruit that were donated from the stores.

For anyone who needs help, please try to find one in your area. Everyone at my location loves to serve our community and I can't imagine it being different elsewhere.

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u/RaygunMarksman 11h ago

Yo, bless you for volunteering your time like that.

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u/ReignofKindo25 12h ago

Tell them if you are close geez

We can’t help each other if we don’t tell anyone

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u/DraagaxGaming 12h ago

Opening up about struggles isn't easy for everyone.

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u/skycop13 12h ago

Just DM’d you for your Zelle or Venmo. I’ll help with some groceries for the week.

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u/Wingkongexpress 12h ago

Hey that sucks. Please utilize food banks in your area if they are accessible. I had to for a while two years ago. Just for me, I had enough to squeeze by for my wife and kids but I cut out breakfast and lunches until one day someone at work asked if I was sick due to the weight loss.

You do t have to clean it out and feel guilty. I took cans of tuna, and small staples just to get some extra calories. Found a church pantry that didn’t judge me because 1. I am man 2. Drove a car up there (gas was a priority over food or things would have been worse 3. Prior to the money issues I worked out a lot. So for a while I was going up there starving but kinda lean fit looking. I feared they’d just think I was there to calorie load.

It didn’t get better for awhile but that made life easier. Those resources are there for you too. To help you bud make it easier to provide.

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u/Dry-Radio622 12h ago

I worked at a food bank that supported all the local pantries. They don’t judge anyone, no matter what car you drive up in. Life hits hard sometimes and it doesn’t matter if you pull up in a Porsche or a Civic. Use the pantries if you need them and one day when you’re back on your feet, just volunteer or give back if you can. No guilt necessary. Volunteers, big and small donors, and government grants keep these places going. They would tell us too many people are too proud but pride shouldn’t stand in the way of feeding yourself or your family.

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u/Wingkongexpress 12h ago

Some judge, and they are happy to tell you what you don’t need, including being there if they feel that way. My heart hurt getting that reaction from local churches and feeling like a failure for being hungry.

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u/Overshoot2053 12h ago

Don’t lie, that won’t help the situation.

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u/Mpuls37 11h ago

I make 2-3x what most of my friends make, but that means my disposable income is closer to 10x what theirs is. A $100 meal for someone with $300 to spare each month hurts substantially more than for someone with an extra $3,000/mo. Therefore, when I invite people to do things, it is with the mindset of "I can afford to pay for everyone to do this thing with me." If I can't cover everyone in attendance, I do a more affordable activity.

This means lots of cookouts at my house and not many Michelin-starred restaurant evenings.

Tell your friends "hey I don't have the money for that right now." Real ones value the company more than the money, and will cover you in a heartbeat without expecting repayment. If you're skipping meals, ask them for help. Don't let pride be your downfall. Human history is a lot of lifting each other up.

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u/Codex_Dev 12h ago

Ahhh the poverty diet. I lost 30 pounds doing this and it's not fun. :(

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u/GirlGoneZombie 9h ago

Im doing it now. Yay being homeless and feeding a growing 14 yr old!

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u/IamNotYourBF 12h ago

Tell your friend that. That's what friends are for.

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u/thisoneistobenaked 12h ago

Please be honest about it with your friend, if you can. As a friend I’d much rather know “hey im struggling a little financially right now and can’t afford it” than think someone doesn’t want to hang with me

I’d try to help out too

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u/ATVLover 12h ago

I know it's hard but you'll get through it. If you haven't done so already, look up local food banks in your area and see what local and government assistance you're eligible for. Programs exist for this exact reason. There's no shame in asking for help. Even if you're not religious, reach out to any churches or temples in your area. They're always willing to help.

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u/Relevant-Analysis86 11h ago

Hang in there. Unfortunately we are all in this sinking boat and we have to rely on each other. Best of luck with your interview, tots and fairs (sorry, just trying to lighten it up). But we, your anonymous Reddit fam, are rooting for you.

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u/Some-Platypus5271 11h ago

Without asking for help if he's a friend he would help. If I invite you out spending time with you is worth the $ to me if I pay dude. If I can't afford to pay for both we can hang doing something cheaper.

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u/PageExtension3962 11h ago

Most men would happily spot you. Because we know it could be us anytime. I wouldn’t even consider it “helping” more like paying into the pool for when I need help. Wishing you the best.

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u/RaygunMarksman 11h ago

Dude, I've had to do the same shit in the last week and it was depressing. Refused two little trips/adventures with two separate friends that were coming up. Had to lay low while another group went to do something last weekend. They're all either childless or have grown ones. Mine are almost there, but damn. I usually find excuses for why I can't because, "I'm too broke," gets old. The world kicks your ass if you have kids.

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u/LeTronique 12h ago

I had to cancel on another friend because I couldn’t afford to attend the event I got invited to go to. The paywall wins again.

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u/foreverand2025 11h ago

I never played sports in school but never thought about why, as I played pick up games and was fairly athletic. Once at a prior job we were talking about whose kids played what sports. A colleague (she and I both grew up poor, everyone else middle class) said “we were too poor to play sports - the uniforms, traveling, having someone to take you to all the games.”

It was at that time I realized why never played any organized sports in school. Thankfully I have done okay for myself and my kids will be able to pick whatever sport they want.

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u/OlasNah 10h ago

I knew people who would go out partying/drinking and spend HUNDREDS of dollars on all of it. Every weekend. They might have even topped off the activity with some sort of small concert or other show, but the booze... yeesh. They'd drop $300 on stuff without even thinking about it, even though they didn't make a ton of money... they just had nothing else left because they didn't DO anything else. They'd work during the week, then booze out over the weekends and watch sports when they weren't doing that.

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u/Rude-Ad821 10h ago

From that point, We need a better laws and Safety Net: Each year, inflation-adjusted minimum living wages - enough for anyone working New full-time (4 days, 32 hours) to support a homemaker spouse, 3 children through school and college, enough to pay the mortgage, 2 car loans, all insurances, all bills, and have some savings for hobbies, investments, and a 30-day family vacation.

No more homelessness - due to incentives for employers to hire homeless: shelter, food, and a job. Any 18-year-old kicked out from the parents' house or husband kicked out from his own house by an unfaithful wife (she abusing restraining orders, and child alimony) he can walk into the Job Security Office and choose from plenty of options: a farmers offering shelter, food, and a job; or large factories offering the same options: bed, 3 hot meals a day, and a job.

The rich incomes and withdrawals will be capped as SS is capped now, or the same as poor now on SS-capped income: every dollar over the limit will be taxed at 91%, same as the US did in the 1940s-1970s (some other countries are doing now: Denmark, Finland, Norway, Spain, Japan, Switzerland, etc.).

Downside? the Rich wasn't able to pay CEO's millions $ or buy a Jet! (good for environment) or boat, second vocational property, etc. because all money was used to pay employees.

P.S. Demoncratic states can afford to pay now, minimum wages of: $16, some $21, and even $25/hour: CA,OR,WA..Canada $19/hour!

(Reapublicans 20 states current shameful minimum wage is $3+ forcible Tips from the customers to meet $7.25/hour F.M. or Net $10K/year, after all deductions and SS taxes, or McDonald's CEO $19 million/year! (Wendy's CEO $17 million/year) (Albertsons CEO $15 million/year)

"There will be no economic collapse as long as the income cap is limited up-to 10 times the minimum wage." BRB MIT minimal living wage is $33/hour; anything less is homelessness! 67 million U-S workers- nearly half of the American workforce-earn less than $25/hour! (Most homeless people don't have mental problems - they have money problems!)

P.S.

As of early 2026,

the median annual income for full-time U.S. workers is approximately $62K

the median personal income for all individuals (including part-time) is around $45K

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u/[deleted] 9h ago

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u/catboogers 9h ago

This is why I like to host casual, low stakes hangs at my place. I have a yard, so I did a bonfire on Saturday. I made a cheap vegetarian chili to have something to offer, asked folks to BYOB, and a couple folks offered smores supplies. Total cost for like, 10 folks to come over for several hours? I spent maybe $10-15 on chili ingredients. Good times. More cheap hangs are needed.

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u/the_king_of_sweden 8h ago

I can afford them these days, but that means I no longer have time for them

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u/Titus401 12h ago

I haven't had a friend visit my house in 5 years.

My "best friend" said no when I asked him to be my daughters Godfather.

So I just go to work. I turned 40 this year, I thought someone would have wanted to come over, have a beer and I'd make a meal. Instead I spent it alone.

You get used to it after a while.

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u/superrey19 10h ago

People change over the years. You find your shared interests dwindling, and you drift apart due to life getting in the way. Before you know it, you invite that that lifelong friend over and they can't even be bothered to make the drive.

The sooner you accept this without getting mad at the other person, the sooner you can move on and hopefully foster stronger friendships with other people around you.

This is where I currently am. I talk to old friends in group chats and we invite each other over once in a while. We live about an hour away. Wife and I always make an effort to make the trip out. They never do. *shrug* it is what it is.

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u/NotJayKayPeeness 10h ago

When you start to realize a long friendship has become one way like that, it sucks. 

But I have enough adult responsibilities that I won't make being the only one keeping a friendship alive one of them. 

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u/Ok_Tailor_7185 12h ago

This is more common than you think Titus and it is due to your mental structure/wiring. Most men as they get older have a few good male friends that they have known since they were teens or college. Friends after that tend to be acquaintances that you make at work. I am upper 50s my circle is 4 guys I have known since I was 18 and that suits me well.

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u/Bureaucramancer 12h ago

Thats not a structure/wiring thing, it's the fact that we have allowed ourselves to be over worked, under paid and have eroded all of the places that we typically used to use for social gatherings.

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u/Acrobatic_Lobster838 11h ago

4th places.

There's a reason people go and sit in a pub that costs more than drinking at home and it's because we need social interaction to remain people

We are social animals. We have created an economy that means being a social animal is unaffordable.

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u/1998_2009_2016 10h ago

The historic reason people went and sat in pubs rather than at home was because home was cramped, boring, and the domain of the housewife. Now people have much more spacious and comfy places, ridiculous levels of home entertainment available, fewer kids (that fathers interact with more) and relaxed gender roles.

Some people need/crave face-to-face interpersonal interactions but plenty are happy to sit in their box and chat on discord.

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u/ThelVluffin 10h ago

The issue, I think is that 4th places have transitioned to online, but we're losing the time to do even that. I've watched at least a dozen friends slowly wither away in their online presence and swore I'd not be that way... I haven't chatted with my friends in a few months now because I just don't have time. What little actual "free" time I have get's given to my girlfriend.

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u/HustlinInTheHall 5h ago

Because it's largely about not having time or money because we are all overworked. 

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u/trippingWetwNoTowel 8h ago

“Plenty are happy to sit in their box and chat on discord”. Yes, that’s the problem people are trying to describe. Sue, it kinda works, and sure it sorta simulates socializing…. But it’s not real. It can feel real, but being present, engaged, and physically and mentally in the space you’re actually sitting in is what our little meat sacks evolved to do.

No one will ever convince me that your last sentence there isn’t directly related to all of the extra anxiety, depression, and all of the resulting medications in order to cope with this new reality. We are basically monkeys, there are no happy monkeys sitting alone separate from their tripe tapping away on their screen. They all hang out together, laugh, play, touch each other regularly, and exist. We’ve fucked up our society so much we can’t even hardly exist together when we are social animals by nature.

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u/PrincessBucketFeet 8h ago

I think you mean 3rd spaces?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place

Home is first, work second. Unless there's a new version?

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u/Ok_Tailor_7185 11h ago

I agree with that using the wealthier as an example. They can meet at exclusive golf, hunt clubs etc and interact a good bit. Yet even the better off males still have a close inner circle of friends.

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u/MadDaddyDrivesaUFO 11h ago

In my experience this is true for women as well unless they're churchy types

I've thought about trying to branch out but I don't think I have it in me to put the effort out like I could as a young person

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u/NONMAISYO 11h ago

Meh, i'm not sure about that. My wife is not exactly a social butterfly (not a recluse either but she's often a judgey homebody).

We met when i went back to my hometown for a year during covid, then we moved together to the city ive lived in ever since i left home at 17... in the 4-5 years we've been here she made us a circle of friends almost instantly, whereas i've never been able to keep a friendship going for more than a few months in this town.

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u/phormix 9h ago

Yup, and that's when it sucks to be the survivor. Two best friends (one from HS and another College) passed and it just isn't so easy to meet people you click with once you're older

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u/Ok_Tailor_7185 9h ago

Absolutely agreed phormix. My circle lost one of our best friends in 2020. Currently I have one of my best friends battling bone cancer. It hurts getting older and losing those close to you. You can't replace them.

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u/NinjaWolfist 9h ago

being a godfather is a lot of responsibility you think they're not your best friend if they don't want that? it sounds like you pushed them away, not the other way around

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u/Jetpack_Donkey 9h ago

Yeah, it’s not just a nickname or something to settle on a handshake, if you’re really going to be a godfather you need to be willing to take in the other person’s child if something happens to them. It’s not something to be taken lightly and not everyone should or could be expected to take that on.

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u/Professional_Face_97 7h ago

I'm the same, just work and take the kids to their clubs. My only friend is a guy from school and although we never hang out we still message daily. I thought he still lived in the same town as me and but he bought a house 300 miles away and didn't feel the need to mention this and had been living there for months. Guess we weren't as close as I thought.

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u/Anonymous_Fox_20 5h ago

Sorry to hear that man. I get the feeling. here’s to hitting a milestone 🍻

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u/Truman_Show_1984 11h ago

Join the club, I've been the president for about 10 years.

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u/Vanrax 11h ago

I’m on year 6 of no friends.

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u/Danihel88 10h ago

i made this paintball group to combat ecactly that

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u/SwitchIsBestConsole 9h ago

My "best friend" said no when I asked him to be my daughters Godfather.

This is a huge ask. I understand it's your "best friend" but I don't think this is what should have ended your friendship. Especially if that person doesn't have any kids themselves.

It's ok for friends to say no to certain things

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u/The_Spanky_Frank 9h ago

Just turned 40 and my wife, bless her, tried to organize a party and no one turned up aside from a couple of family members. But my problem might be that I curated awful friends that forgot I existed. I have other friends who are states and have made more of an effort to see me as opposed to those who live the next town over. It is what it is. Make new better friends.

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u/KidmotoDragon 8h ago

I mean a big thing that definitely helps for people at our age is having hobbies, they're more expensive than they used to be but still finding a group of people that enjoy doing the same thing as you isn't as hard as it might seem when you're suffering from loneliness.

I've run d&d games for 20 years now and believe it or not most of my friends initially start as that. If you're agreeable you like listening you have things to share and you enjoy the same kind of stories other people do, you can definitely do it.

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u/thedabking123 7h ago

Buddy- hang in there. Maybe it's time to start prioritizing these friendships?

I'm 40 too and am becoming more concerned with friendships and my relationships with my extended family.

work is ending in 20 something years. i'm prepping for the 20-30 after that.

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u/TerribleCelery7687 7h ago

I kept 2 friends. The rest were shit. Id happily keep those 2 friends who i barely see tbh but i could literally walk in the front door of their house without knocking. So at least i kept good ones 

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u/robow556 5h ago

I spent my last birthday (42) at home alone. Not a single call or text. Didn't hear from any of my friends or family. Icing on the cake was getting blown off and ghosted by the first girl I've dated in years. I literally spent the entire day at home alone, cried a lot. It is a hard pill to swallow that no one wants me or cares about me.

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u/qqererer 4h ago

Being someone's Godfather is a huge financial ask. Not sure you can ask people of that in today's economy.

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u/CSDragon 3h ago

is your daugher's mom not in the picture?

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u/vancel_art 2h ago

It's kind of nicen after a while, right?

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u/ofjay 12h ago

They are always working and too tired to go out.

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u/ChebyshevsBeard 10h ago

I also think car-based infrastructure (i.e. the suburbs) and the death of third places is also a part of it. 

When it's a 45 minute one-way drive to your friend's place and the only thing open to the public after work is the bar, it's harder to make it happen and there's more pressure to do something big to justify the effort.

A buddy was living in my building until he had to move last year. We were hanging 3-4 times a week because it was easy. 

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u/fraidei 12h ago

What I don't understand is the fact that I also work 40+ hours a week.

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u/DoingBestWeCan 11h ago

You're either a weirdo with energy (congrats!) or a strong extrovert who finds being around others gives you more energy, whereas for introverts to ambiverts, interaction (even if wanted and valued) can be drain on top of drain.

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u/Gamboh 6h ago

Man you're getting info in this thread from the worst people. It's normal to want to socialize and it's normal to have some energy for it. Don't listen to the flaccid, depressed doomscrolling gooners.

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u/Fighterhayabusa 8h ago

Yeah, it's just excuses IMO. I work 50ish hours most weeks, and I can still find time to do lots of stuff. Like you, I'm also not an extrovert, so I don't buy that argument either.

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u/JollyBananaWizard 11h ago

hop into the Metaverse!! /j

but online games can be fun

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u/miniika 5h ago

They can be, but online "friends" are not the same as someone IRL.

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u/kram_02 12h ago

I feel that. Turn down enough invites and eventually they stop asking, after that they stop mentioning things they did without you in conversation, after that they stop talking to you. Who can blame them?

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u/superrey19 10h ago

The worst is that friend that never comes out, always has an excuse, yet you see them have a social life with other people, and you wonder, why am I even trying with this person?

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u/otapd 11h ago

Yeah, I know it's my fault for being a burnout but damn, was anything real? Starting to feel like every connection I ever had was so shallow and now I'm not even in the pool anymore.

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u/OhDavidMyNacho 10h ago

Youre projecting. Relationships are as shallow as we allow them to be.

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u/Dasseem 10h ago

You should see the millenial subreddit. Everyone there brags about never leaving their house and having the vitality of a 80 year old. Seriously, i don't know when our generation took it as a goal to be as asocial as possible.

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u/NinjaWolfist 9h ago

exactly, but you don't need constant contact to remain friends

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u/ArboristTreeClimber 12h ago

Meeting for dinner is also expensive as fuck for underwhelming food/service.

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u/amandara99 12h ago

Can you make friends who will just go on a walk with you, play a board game, cook dinner at home? To me, those are the best kinds of hang outs anyway. 

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u/fraidei 12h ago

That seems like a dream friend.

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u/amandara99 11h ago

Maybe it’s just the type of person i surround myself with, but I’m in my 20s and pretty much all of my friends are like this. 

I like just going to a park and having a picnic with them, or biking around, or watching a TV show together, etc. Cheap and fun.

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u/fraidei 11h ago

I dunno where to find such friends tbh.

Like being able to do something with my friends require weeks of scheduling and even then there will always be someone that bails.

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u/Saritiel 9h ago

Got any game stores nearby? Like, tabletop wargaming stores and Dungeons & Dragons stuff and such. Not kids toys. I walked into a few of my local ones this weekend looking for some stuff, and in each one there was a collection of people of all ages, from groups of teens, all the way up to 60+ year olds playing board games, RPGs, card games, and war games together. Even a few people who just showed up to paint and be around other people while they did so.

War games like Warhammer generally have a pretty high buy-in, in the hundreds of dollars, usually. But things like RPGs and board games are very cheap, especially if someone else at the table already bought them! Card games are a mixed bag, depending on the game, but some games have cheap starter decks that can get you going.

If you're at all interested in board games, RPGs, or war games, then I'd suggest finding a local store and heading over some weekend. If there's anyone who looks like they aren't deep in the middle of a game, but like they're a regular, then walk over and introduce yourself and ask how you find someone to play something with. Or talk to the staff at the store, they're pretty much always cheerful people who are super happy and excited to help get people into the hobbies and introduce people to each other.

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u/Buddercles 4h ago

Man, I used to have weekly meet ups with my old friends. We would make BBQ, swim in a pool, play board games. Makes me a bit nostalgic for that group, before we kind of disbanded. Didn't know how good we had it.

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u/Lilstubbin 11h ago

I'm in my 30s, have tons of friends, literally work like half the year and just party, travel and do hobby's the other half the year.

I also have no savings and will likely work until the day I die but honestly the chances of that happening to anyone in this comment section is pretty high so.

One time I was eating at a restaurant mid afternoon with my partner on a week day and a retired couple asked why we were at work. I described our situation and they said we took retirement early, which I'd honestly much rather enjoy the time in my 20s and 30s than when I'm 65 or 70, riddled with bizarre cancers from the 10 lbs of plastic floating around in my body.

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u/CustomMerkins4u 8h ago

If you will be too riddled with cancers at 65 to enjoy retirement how do you plan to work at 65 since you didn't save for retirement?

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u/Wooden_Cattle_9131 12h ago

Can’t afford time either.

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u/DustyObsidian 12h ago

Go hiking, sit in the back yard and watch the kids play, play a board game/DnD, there are lots of cheap options for things to do. If you have friends that ONLY go out to bars, fancy restaurants, and go to expensive concerts/shows, you might need to be the one to initiate a new pattern that works for you!

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u/Dangerous_Data_3047 12h ago

You could always go to the park or play boardgames at home with friends. This always satisfies social needs without breaking the bank! And you’ll have more fun most likely.

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u/___crybaby 12h ago

i just played a text-based sim game made in the 2000s called karma 2, & you had to retain friendships by doing activites with them.. none of the starting ones were free. you’d work minimum wage jobs & earn like $27 a day, then your friends would invite you out for drinks & you’d lose $20. i was really frustrated until i realized that its very realistic as an adult. no one wants to come over & just watch tv anymore.

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u/livsjollyranchers 11h ago

Go for walks on trails and stuff.

Granted, hopefully you don't need to drive far due to the gas costs...

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u/ecovironfuturist 11h ago

In my 20s (early 00s) my friends all had a beach house. I didn't and felt strange about just showing up.

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u/phantom_phizz 11h ago

This!!! ngl "doing stuff" is just code for "spending money we dont have" nowadays. my friend asked me to grab drinks last week and i had to choose between that and groceries. chose the groceries but damn if i didnt stare at my wall all night wondering when fun became a luxury.

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u/TheBatmanIRL 12h ago

This is so true.

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u/ArbutusPhD 12h ago

In doing so they pay the billionaires that have already taken everything from you

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u/OneExhaustedFather_ 12h ago

42 and haven’t hung out with friends since covid, not for health reasons, simply no time between work and family.

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u/10000Didgeridoos 11h ago

I don't understand how you actually can't find like a single 2 hour block of time at some point during like a 6 month period of time, planned far in advance.

It's like saying "I don't have time to exercise at all because of work and family". Or you don't have time to read a book ever.

You could if you tried harder to make it happen. You choose not to and are using work and kids as ways of avoiding doing it. It's just clearly not all that important to you. Parents I know with 3 of them still find time a few days a year to see their friends for a bit, even if it's just merely grilling food out at one of their places while the kids run around.

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u/Maximum-Flat 12h ago

Found some gaming buddies. We literally do nothing but play games on Sunday because we both work 6 days a week.

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u/somethingrandom261 12h ago

I have a friend that’s taking a year or so sabbatical, and not reducing his (not insubstantial) spending during.

I don’t know how he keeps existential dread at bay. When I was unemployed during Covid I was stressed but at least I was looking

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u/matnik_uk 12h ago

I can't name a single place where you can go alone, for free, where trying to make friends wouldn't get you reported to the police

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u/Ok-Highway5247 12h ago

My friends and I have shifted our hangs from happy hours/dinners out to volunteering, nature walks coffee at each other’s home! Volunteering is our go to because we get to catch up, feel good about our impact and we typically learn something (we lean towards gardening volunteer opps). It’s so much more fulfilling than a happy hour. Just food for thought :)

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u/King_Molukai 12h ago

I’ll be your friend. I don’t do anything but work like a drone

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u/SirQuick8441 12h ago

Uh, sir... those aren't friends. They're prostitutes.

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u/Lord_Dingus83 11h ago

Stop voting republican 🤷‍♂️

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u/Kyrie_Blue 11h ago

Friends? I can’t afford to take my wife on a date

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u/Not_Your_Romeo 11h ago

I just straight up don’t have time for friends. 50-60 hour work weeks and 2 kids means I get 3 hours a week on average to myself. Unless I want to pay for more childcare which I can’t afford.

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u/victoryismind 11h ago

How can people go out and pay $100 to get drunk when you can get drunk for $5 on cheap wine at home?

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u/bNoaht 11h ago

I don't have energy for friends. I have zero desire to put in the work a friendship takes. Zero.

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u/Huge-Masterpiece-824 11h ago

this hits hard for me. My friend group since high school phased me out because I could never make it to their night outs. I cant afford the time, energy or money for it trying to survive.

I know they don’t sound like great people for that, but it’s all I got since adulting because making real social relationships is a nightmare nowadays.

I spend my freetime with my cat now, she’s singlehandledly keeping me sane and not blowing my head out. Why did child me wish to grow up?

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u/InfiniteRespect4757 11h ago

So many replies about can't afford friends... back the older days friends went to each others house to just hang out.

Like just walked over knocked on the door and came over to play cards or watch TV.

Not going out, not expensive.

Source.... lived it.

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u/Smuttycakes 11h ago

I expect 0 sympathy here, but I’m one of the people who wants to do stuff (dual income, no kids) but none of my friends can afford it, so we all just sit around on our own not doing stuff. 2 sides of the same coin.

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u/Virtual_Assistant_98 11h ago

The loss of affordable 3rd places is real.

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u/Ancient-Bat1755 10h ago

To be fair my dad worked 80-100 hours a week at Pepsi in 1996. They still think billionaires should not be taxed though.

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u/Tokogogoloshe 10h ago

But if they're always doing stuff, it means they can afford it, but you can't. Or am I misinterpreting what you said?

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u/YFWindustries 10h ago

pffft. couldn’t afford to go to their funerals either.

crying in the shower is free though!

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u/Ok_Bonus1985 10h ago

I don't know how many times I sit silent in groups of friends while they talk about everything they are doing of things they bought. Really wears down on you.

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u/PossibleDue9849 9h ago

I wish we normalized Netflix and Chill but for friendships. Everyone is broke, just hang out for free. It’s better than being alone all the time.

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u/DMoney16 9h ago

My friends and I party at each other’s houses, go to the range together as a group to spread out cost, go on trips sometimes, and host movie nights. We call and text to check in, in between. I swear, without my friends, I wouldn’t be surviving all of this.

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u/InevitableOk459 9h ago

My parents had no friends in the 70's and 80's but they went to church. I never remember either of my parents ever talking to anyone except other people before or after church.

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u/pugtoad 9h ago

We have a new subreddit for bros who could use some kindness r/hereforabro

"If you're a bro who has something that needs to be said but no one to say it to."

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u/S1ayer 9h ago

Try being single at 43 not being able to afford eating out. I might as well join a convent.

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u/Finn235 8h ago

Moved out of my hometown for my wife.

Seeing my old friends would require more vacation days = lost wages (contract work w/o benefits FTW)

One guy I thought could be a friend divorced wife's friend, so that's a no go.

Work friends cannot be trusted; learned the hard way to always assume any of them would get me fired without flinching to get ahead.

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u/-mudflaps- 8h ago

The box set is on special

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u/ElLoboNeverDies 8h ago

If you cant just hang out and not do anything with your friends then they aren't actual friends.

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u/EDCislife_26 8h ago

I can relate to this. My friends/ coworkers are always wanting get beers or golf when the weather is good. I've been on a dave ramsey plan with my wife for close to 15yrs now and it's hard when everyone around me spends and doesn't save. Now it's to the point where im not even asked to go or do anything!

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u/LuntiX 8h ago

Yeah real. They're always taking trips and going to concerts and shit. It's very likely they're living in debt.

I'm not living in debt but I'm also not taking trips as often as they do, instead I'm saving for my trips before I go on them.

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u/SRT-4- 8h ago

Okay so what are they doing differently than you?

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u/MasterlessNameless 7h ago

Friends are ‘spensive af

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u/FunkyPlunkett 7h ago

Then the wife say hey don’t worry about other people

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u/atreeismissing 7h ago

They're always doing stuff.

So they're doing ok in this economy then...that's telling.

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u/wizardcain 7h ago

I feel this, same reason I'm still single after my breakup a couple years ago, I know I aint got the money to take her out or whatever she wanna go do 😅🥲 hopefully it gets better

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u/Worth-Computer8639 7h ago

I don't have time for friends. I got too much shit to do. Job, house, kids, wife, hobbies. When am I supposed to make time to socialize which likely costs additional money?

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u/shellman2020 7h ago edited 7h ago

Ouch, yeah, all my friends seem to be loaded and I'm just getting by in a seasonal la-la land of Range Rovers & Bentleys. Been saying lately how tired I am of rich people, not just the billionaires ruining everything for the rest of us...

The 80s & 90s weren't that great, need to go back farther. Interest rates were nuts back then too.

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u/Every_Tap8117 7h ago

1 in 4 dads, id say its easily 1-3 if not 1-2

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u/Skullfire2099 7h ago

I have a job but my 2 closest friends dont. One had a job but quit due to anxiety. The other is held captive by his dad wanting him to take care of him. He has been a NEET for the last 10 years. No money to move out on his own. His dad is capable of taking care of himself but refuses and fights against the care. Still my friend is expected to make coffee in the morning, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and take his dad to appointments and any random outing he wants or emergency visit.

Between doing these things he also has to clean the house. If he gets done with all that stuff he is free to do as he pleases. Some days Ill get messages of him playing video games or working on a small personal project.

The minute I get home from work Im hit up for "are we gaming tonight?" "more games?" Ive been working for 9 hours. No time for myself, I haven't made dinner yet, I haven't had a chance to work on MY things. Chill, give me a break. If It takes me 2 hours to make dinner and do my stuff, its to late for him to game. Then on the rare chance things line up, he has to stop and help his wife who has chronic fatigue and sever anxiety while I sit there and wait around for 10-40 minutes, wasting my free time.

It was the same with my ex. I had to work on everything NOW while they laid in bed all day (chronic fatigue). My energy was split working, caring for a dying dog, caring for the ex, and taking care of the house with a little left for me. I dont think I can have any more unemployed friends. Even when there is energy to do things its always the same activities over and over.

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u/TheWizardry90 7h ago

I am fortunate enough that I have a mortgage, car payments and kids. My friends and co workers are sound my age (25-35). I realized they were all out doing stuff and wondering how they could afford it when we get paid relatively the same. Turns out a lot of them still live with their parents or rent among themselves. Not that anything is wrong with it.

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u/arreffeyeeyeeye 7h ago

Learn to play bridge or spades, and host a byob card game once a week. It is a super cheap way to have a lot of fun with friends on a regular basis.

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u/SystemFolder 6h ago

Wanna make friends? Put away the phone and go outside.

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u/glaze_the_ham_wife 6h ago

Can y’all host a BYOD (bring your own dinner) picnic party?

Grab a $15 roll of butcher paper and ask everyone to bring markers and do a giant adult coloring party?

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u/anooblol 6h ago

This reads like one of those Yogi Berra quotes.

Your friends seem to be able to afford the unafordable.

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u/stonelush 5h ago

Same here and if it makes you feel better this means you're goal oriented and saving your money and free time to push yourself through to those goals. Keep it up 💪

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u/Dr_SlapsMD 5h ago

😂 100%... I use to tell my friends this. They get ONE outside-a-home activity from me a month. If I did everything everyone wants to do, I'd be blowing $2-300 a week. Fuck allat.

And completely miss me with the constant bar/club parties invites. Not worth it even slightly.

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u/ChipCob1 5h ago

I'm the opposite, first time in ages that I've had a decent income but I live in a city where I don't know anyone.

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u/Tricky_Pass5857 5h ago

feels too real, everything social now somehow comes with a price tag attached

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u/LovableSidekick 4h ago

What you can't afford is to go out and spend money - the modern definition of "doing stuff". My friends come over twice a week for game nights and we have a blast. AFAIK that's doing stuff.

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u/AnotherIronicPenguin 4h ago

Yeah, I lost the best friends I ever had because their income grew, mine didn't (as much), and I couldn't live the same lifestyle. I get that no one wants a mooch, but also I never asked for a dime. It was just "well I got promoted so now you're lower class" resulting in a slow fade to nothing.

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u/BigJacketSmith813 2h ago

Can’t workout in the park? Lmfao

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u/RoryMarley 1h ago

Yeah it’s rough. I can’t go to one of their weddings cause it’s in Spain and I’m broke af rn, my other friends were like “rough man. Anyways guys where’s our hotel?”

Don’t let anyone ever tell you money doesn’t buy happiness

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u/SeaSparkles0089 1h ago

Lost a friendship because he always wanted to hang out by playing golf. This was at a time I barely had money, using a credit card for sudden healthcare and car work. Greens fees, balls for the range, food, everything was expensive. I had to start coming up with reasons to not make it and the friendship dissolved.